Gerard is suffering because Frank has left. Will he pick himself up again? -Chapter 3 in my Frerard Story :3
The last few weeks haven’t been the easiest. I’m in love with a man who I can’t be with. Last time we actually spoke, he asked me to choose between him and my wife. I told him I couldn’t choose, it was too hard a decision. So he left. Forever. To spend time with his children and wife. Since then, I’ve been crying, everyday, hoping he’ll come back.
I tried so hard not to give in, but it wasn’t enough. I’ve blown it. Mikey keeps hiding it from me and Ray checks my pockets for money when I go out.
I’ve started drinking again.
Without Frank, I’m nothing. I’m just a weak, lost man. I can’t take it anymore.
I tried. But failed.
This is my mess, I need to fix it. But I can’t, I haven’t the energy.
I’m so weak.
I need my Frankie, I need him so much. Without him I can’t breathe, it’s so hard, this isn’t easy. I wonder how it is for him. I just, I need him. Oh no. It’s happening again. I actually can’t breathe, Mikey where are you?! Mikey! Ray! They’re not coming for you. They’re not coming for me. I need them. They shut me in this room so I can’t drink. I’m sober, but it’s still too hard.
Frank, please come back. I can’t continue without you… Please come back. Did the door just move? Someone heard me calling. Someone heard me calling.
Help me. Help me!
“Help me!” I groaned. No one was coming to my rescue and after my mental monologue through out my panic attack; I struggled to get free of the room I’d been trapped in. I saw Ray moving outside the door and heard what sounded like keys. Were they letting me out?
“Alright, now you’re sober, we can actually talk to you.” He said, Mikey standing beside him. “Lyn-Z is worried. She knows you and Frank were close, but she didn’t think you’d react like this when you’d argue,”
They sat down on the best, next to me.
“We haven’t told her, about why you argued. We said we didn’t know,” Mikey smiled reassuring and put his arm around me. Ray gave me my sketch pad and pens.
“Thought you’d want these, draw how you feel and such,” He said as he handed me my things.
“Thanks. It’s really nice to know people actually care about me,” I laughed, sarcastically. Lyn-Z appeared in the door way.
“We all care about you, babe, why would you say that?” She seemed upset that I’d said what I did. Mikey spoke in for me.
“It’s the booze talking,” He turned back and winked at me, I smiled. “He’s still not 100% sober, but we’re trying to get him and keep him there.”
“Mikey. I appreciate what you’re doing, but I think my husband can speak for himself,”
“I’m fine, honestly. Still a bit woozey,” I said to her. Her eyes were sparkling as much as they did on the day we met. She smiled.
Before long, Bandit came into the room, she was walking along as if there was no-one else in the world and she kept doing her cute little smile every time she picked something up. To think, I almost left this, for Frank.
Frank. I’d actually forgotten about him for a while. I treated him so badly, I needed to make things better.
“Give me the phone.” I said to Mikey.
“I need to call Frank.”
“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. You haven’t spoken on good terms since the last show of the tour.”
“I. Want. To. Talk. To. Him.” My teeth grinded against each other, I’d never been so angry. Never.
Mikey still wouldn’t give me the phone, Ray held me back as I stood up to try and hit him.
“Mikey, take Bandit to Lyn-Z, I’ll talk to Gee,” Ray said. Mikey nodded and picked up my baby. “What has gotten into you?”
“I want Frankie…” And without warning, my eyes were watering. Again. I don’t think that Ray knew what to do, because he just stood there, watching me. “I just don’t know what to do anymore, I want my Frankie. I want Lyn-Z. But I can’t have both, I can only have one. But I can’t choose. It’s impossible.”
After a while, Ray sat down next to me to comfort me. He could see how distraught I was; he just didn’t know what to do and couldn’t do anything about it.
I tried breathing in. It wasn’t working. Fuck. Please don’t be another panic attack. Please, not two in one day. I couldn’t and wouldn’t take this anymore. I pushed Ray off of me and started to scratch at my wrist, panicking. Ray tried helping me, grabbing my arm to stop me from doing anything. It worked.
“Gerard, breathe!” He told me. I tried. It wasn’t working. “C’mon, don’t give up. If you carry on like this you won’t be able to see Frank.”
I tried harder. C’mon, Gee, you heard him. Carry on like this, no Frank. I need to carry on, for him. For only him. And Bandit, obviously. I didn’t love Lyn-Z anymore. Did I marry her just to get Frank out of my hair? Did I love her because I couldn’t come to terms with the fact me and Frank are meant to be? I didn’t know. I had no idea what fate and destiny had in store for me. But it was time to find out and create it myself.
Wait, I did love Lyn-Z. I couldn’t let her go. But I couldn’t let Frank go either. I didn’t know what to do anymore. This was my last chance to make things work and I didn’t know what to do. I guess I’d have to start with Pros and Cons…
After working out who I’d be better suited with, I decided Lyn-Z. I was already married to her, there’d be fewer complications. And Bandit wouldn’t have a rubbish life because her dad left her at a young age.
My head made up its mind, but my heart hadn’t. That’s when more problems started. My heart decided to stop. But I carried on breathing. Maybe I was just imagining my heart had stopped. Then I realised…
I was floating. Above my own body, I was floating. Was I dead? I was. My heart had given up, because I’d gone with my head. My body fell backwards, I flew towards it. Why would anyone love me? I looked a mess. I hadn’t combed my hair in days, I hadn’t changed in days. If I hadn’t changed, I hadn’t showered. That would explain the smell.
Maybe I wasn’t dead, but my heart was trying to show me what I looked like, without Frank. I needed him.
Then, I woke up.
I didn’t remember falling asleep, but obviously I had. I needed to find Frank. To tell him how I felt.
Frank Iero, I love you. I’ll love you forever.