Gerard had now crossed that fine line between barely coping and insanely disturbed.
I opened my eyes, letting the dark haze that covered them not moments ago, fizz away allowing my vision to clear and light to pour through the open door of the balcony. It looked pretty late into the night, practically morning already. My head hurt like a bitch and i could feel various bruises all over my body but i had honestly done worse to myself on stage. I heard a strange muffled sound beside me, almost like heavy breathing. I was now aware i was lying on top of the hotel bed, all my minor injuries attended to. I winced as i turned my head to scan the room, wondering what had happened after i passed out. Had one of the guys put me here? What did they do when they found out it was Gee that beat the living shit out of me? What if Gerard hurt one of them?
The heavy breathing was getting louder and more strangled. I twisted my neck to the left, following the sound. What i saw brought tears to my eyes. Gerard was kneeling by my bedside, head hung low so his crimson hair fell over his face. His body would jolt with every breath he took as if there was a iron weight resting on his chest. Although i couldn't see his expression i could tell by his body language he was ashamed and grief-stricken, he looked afraid of himself at this point.
''Gee'' I whispered in a small voice. I just needed to see his eyes and i would know it was my Gerard in there again.
He shot up at the mention of his name, looking at me like a frightened child. His eyes bloodshot and wide while i could see the cuts on his back had reopened leaving a trail of blood trickling down his spine.
''Frankie, i'm s-so so-ree. I thought y-ou were dead that i h-ad killed you but it w-wasn't me F-Frankie it wasn't'' Gerard sobbed desperately into the bed sheets, shaking in fear.
''Gerard its fine i'm not that bad see'' I pulled myself into the sitting position and swiveled round to face my quivering friend.
He lifted his head slightly to see in fact that i was fine, he seemed relieved but still a emotional mess.
''F-Frankie, it wasn't me i swear I-I''
''No, shhh it's okay Gee I know it wasn't really you'' I patted his arm comfortingly wanting nothing more than to make him feel better. But i had to know the underlying problem to help him overcome his demons. No matter how terrifying.
We sat in silence for a while in the dead of night, the cold breeze from the balcony still flooding through the window along with the moons silver light. I held Gerard in my arms tightly determined not to let go. I needed to identify how tact his mental stability was right now, but was unwilling to break this blissful silence. I was scared right now. Gerard had now crossed that fine line between barely coping and insanely disturbed. Because as far as i was concerned, prolonged night terrors that control and torment you, seeing things that aren't really there then being possessed by satanic sociopath were not normal symptoms of anything. I wasn't even sure we could face this.
My hopeless thoughts were broken by a quiet voice in my ear, shattering the perfect veil of silence.
''Frankie do you think i'm crazy?''
How do i answer that without scaring him? or worse...angering him?
''Gerard...'' I started slowly. ''There's something wrong, i think even you know that much by now. You're not crazy, don't even use that word kay. It's not you remember that, its whatever this is.''
I eyed Gerard, wary of his reaction.
''Do you hate me?'' He spoke finally and as shocked as i was at his question, it was understandable that he thought i only pitied him right now. What he had done was enough for anyone to call the nut house.
''Gerard, it wasn't you. We will help you get through this yeah? Me, Mikey, Ray, Lyn-Z hey even Bandit will be rooting for her dad. But we have to get you help first because i think everyone agree's we can't go on like this.''
I knew some of those words may have stung, but I think Gerard had accepted now that this was beyond his control. I saw the defeat in his eyes as he looked at me with that tear streaked, sullen face. The one i had been seeing for almost 10 years now, he was still my Gerard but that spark was gone.
''But Frank...it was me. Someone deep inside me, on some level i wanted to hurt you and make you feel pain. I'm not worth helping, you can't save me Frankie. I'm broken''
His words made my heart ache with sadness. Partly because they were so untrue. He didn't deserve to feel this way. Fuck, he didn't deserve any of this.
''Gerard look at me Gee.'' I cupped his face in my hands. ''You are not a person who wants to hurt other's. You want to save people, remember that's what My Chemical Romance is about. We save people Gerard now let us save you.''
''Okay Frankie'' Gerard looked at me through watering eyes. I could hear the slow drip of blood from his wounds onto the already blood stained carpet. It sent chills to my very core. I was happy he agreed that he was worth saving but something was off. There was something in Gerard's eyes that unnerved me. Not like last time that had been petrifying fear, this was more like a foreboding. A warning. I waited for him to speak again.
''Frank, My Chemical Romance is about saving. Always is, always was, always shall be. Even when i was depressed and hurting, it saved me. When all i wanted to do was pumped all and every drug into my system, it saved me. When your weak and desperate, it will save you, because My Chemical Romance is made up of 4 strong leaders. But there's one problem with that. If one starts to crack, the band falls and we can't save anyone anymore. And i want to save people Frank, so badly, i want to help and the only way i can do that is if i let the band carry on'' Despite the immense power in Gerard's voice he was talking strangely.
Wait what? Was Gerard quitting the band? I didn't understand?
''Gerard what are you saying'' I whispered.
He smiled sadly at me.
''I'm sorry Frank. He was right though....i'm not happy, but you all have to be. For me be happy.''
It all happened so fast after that. One moment he was there in front of me, the next Gerard was climbing the balcony railing. I watched as he steadied himself against the wall with his bleeding hands. Then it hit me. We were on the 11th floor.
I jumped to my senses and sprinted to where Gerard was swaying a top the slippery white bars. I couldn't process what was happening. Was he guilty about what happened with the show? He was My Chemical Romance, we couldn't save anyone without him.
''Gerard WHAT THE FUCK GET DOWN!'' My voice was drowned out by the wind and swept off into the dark city sky. The heavy traffic bellow up was the only sound now.
''Frank'' He spoke calmly. ''Tell Mikey i'm sorry. Tell everyone. But this just ain't living.''
''If i don't get out now i will end up hurting you all. No one will survive.''
''GEE I CAN SAVE YOU'' I screamed, tears now pouring down my cheeks.
''Don't stop if i fall...and.do.not.look.back.'' Gerard let go of the wall. His hands leaving a muddy red imprint. There was nothing i could do but watch as his body fell into the blackness of the city skyline. Limp before it hit the ground.
We have one more chapter here it's not all over quite yet. R&R?
NOTE: Who's seen the new Harry Potter film? it was the best fucking film i have ever seen EVER :D