His heart was lying down, the end was in sight.
He hadn’t seen Brendon, but Ryan knew Brendon still kept it in captive. Brendon hadn’t visited Ryan either, or even mentioned anything to Spencer about him. Brendon probably hated him, Ryan thought. Spencer allowed Ryan to sleep in his bed at nights, and most of the day. It never bothered him. Ryan ate small portions of the meals. He never left Spencer’s room and Spencer always kept a close eye on him.
Spencer’s family were downstairs, eating dinner, while Ryan sat on the edge of Spencer’s bed. His eyes were glassy, tears slowly falling down his pale cheeks. His entire face was tear-stained, and simply heartbreaking to even look at. Depression. It’s not your type of “I love him so so much I can’t live without him” kind of depression. But it was the type where Ryan lost all faith in everything. Spencer, his family, etc.
Ryan stood up as his whole body trembled. He could feel his heart breaking. Literally. It hurt, so much. It was the worst feeling anyone could ever go through.
Ryan. He tried to end it before. But Brendon was there. Brendon stopped him from having Ryan finally end it all. All this pain. Brendon wouldn’t let him stop it. But it was all too much. They just didn’t understand that. Each breath he took was a mistake. He didn’t deserve to breathe.
Ryan slowly made his way to the small bathroom as his conscience begged for him to do what’s right. It was practically screaming in his ears. But Ryan had to do it. He needed to stop being such a disappointment to everyone else. A tear slipped down Ryan’s cheek and onto the floor.
Once he was in the bathroom, Ryan looked through the small cabinet doors, frantically looking for anything sharp. He had to finish it quick before Spencer, or anybody else came up here. They weren’t expecting Ryan to come down to the kitchen and eat with them. Most of all, Brendon wouldn’t be here.
Ryan let out a small breath of relief as he found a small razor. Its shiny gleam, clean and sharp. He looked down at the bandages on his arms and began to cry. He cried and cried hard as he ripped the bandages off. Ryan winced every time one of the bandages stuck to the skin on his arm, sending a sharp wave of pain up Ryan’s arm.
The scars had healed, leaving very faint lines of his previous cuts. Ryan lifted the razor up, carving a quick and painful ‘B’ on the inside of his wrist, near his elbow. It stung, of course. It always did. But there was that feeling that told him things would end soon. He watched as the bright red blood made neat lines, and started to slide down his pale skin. ‘R’ was next.
As Ryan continued to carve Brendon’s name into his wrist, thoughts of him came popping into his head. Brendon’s beautiful eyes, his charming smile, everything about him. His humor, how happy he always was. The thought of him made Ryan sob even more as he worked on the ‘E’. Sweet, beautiful, happy Brendon. Now he would always be like that. Without having Ryan in his life.
He cut the ’N’ in, as he thought of himself now. Worthless and uncared for, just like everybody had treated him. Then where was Brendon.
Brendon could live his happy life, with his girlfriend. Without worrying about Ryan interfering. They could fucking get married and have fucking children. Ryan made a whimpery noise as ’D’ cut deeper than the other letters did. He works on the ‘O’ as he let the razor made the letter look like a square. His love for Brendon was greater than anyone could ever imagine.
Ryan started to work on the last letter, the ‘N’, as everyone’s faces appeared. He was doing this for him. And he wasn’t going to let anyone stop him this one. No one could. Ryan looks down at his arm. It didn’t even look like an arm anymore. Just a shredded piece of flesh, coated in blood. Black dots danced in front of Ryan’s vision as he collapsed backwards onto the tile floor. His breathing slowly stopped, and Ryan closed his eyes slowly, letting death take him away. This was it. His heart was lying down, the end was in sight.
Ryan loved Brendon in every color there was. Brendon only loved in red. And here was Brendon's love. Ryan bled for him, and only for him.
The last noise Ryan heard was the frantic footsteps coming up the stairs. They must've heard the thump on the floor when Ryan fell. It would be too late for anyone to come save him.
The last thing Ryan felt was the throbbing pain in his chest where his heart was.
The last thing Ryan thought of, was Brendon.