"Brendon, you don't want this..."
“Ry-an.” Jon split his name, getting annoyed. Ryan shook his head, and then looked up at Jon.
“Are you even awake right now?” Jon asked, folding his arms across his chest.
“Yeah. What do you want?” Ryan didn’t mean to sound so rude, but at this point he didn’t care what anyone thought of him. He just wanted to curl into a ball and die. Or at least sleep for the next three weeks.
“You’re scaring me.” Jon admitted honestly. Ryan looked away from Jon, not wanting him to be concerned about him. Honestly, he didn’t want Jon to have any regard for him.
“I’m fine.” Ryan said, pulling his feet onto the bed, and laying back.
“That’s bullshit. I saw you tonight. On stage, you were barely keeping yourself together. And you’ve barely said a word since the show ended. Hell, you haven’t said a word to me in the past two days.” Jon sat on the bed at Ryan’s feet. But Ryan wouldn’t look at him. He kept his eyes fixed on his hands, fingers folded together on his lap. “ I want to know what’s going on.”
“There isn’t anything going on.”
“Come on. Don’t treat me like an idiot.”
“Jon, I’m fine.” Ryan finally looked at him, but it only lasted a fraction of a second before he looked back at his hands. Jon sighed.
“Something happened tonight.”
“I know something happened tonight. You’re acting more isolated than you did yesterday. Was it Lying? I mean, he was laying it on pretty thick...” Jon tried to guess the reason for Ryan’s behavior.
“I kissed him.” Ryan admitted, hoping to shut Jon up. Jon’s eyebrows creased, “and then we talked after the show, and I kissed him again, and begged for forgiveness, and made a total fool of myself.”
Jon wasn’t sure what to say, “What did he...”
“How did he react? Oh well, he said everything that’s true.” Ryan shook his head, not allowing himself to cry again. He couldn’t take crying anymore.
“What is that?”
“That he deserves better. And that I don’t deserve his forgiveness.”
“And I told him that I deserve better, to be loved. And that he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.” Brendon relayed the confrontation with Ryan to Spencer. They both sat on the edge of his bed, beers in hand.
“Do you believe that?” Spencer asked, not doubting Brendon, but actually curious. Brendon let out a long breath, his hand shaking a little. He had been crying all night, and couldn’t get himself to stop completely.
“I know I can’t forgive him... not yet anyway. And I do deserve better.”
Spencer put his hand on Brendon’s knee. He didn’t know what to tell him. Brendon would have to make his decisions at this point. Hopefully whatever that decision was, it didn’t put the band at stake. He couldn’t let that happen.
“There you go. You said what you felt. There’s nothing you can do now, except give yourself time to figure out which direction you want to go.” Spencer smiled.
“You should have seen him, Spence. He looked like I’d just punched him in the stomach or something. And you know, I shouldn’t care. I mean, look what he did to me. But I can’t help but hate myself for hurting him. Which is stupid...” Brendon gasped in, fighting against those stupid tears, “And I said I deserve better... but I keep fighting this feeling in my gut like there isn’t anyone better than him...” The tears spilt over this time. Spencer put his beer down, and wrapped his arms around Brendon. He didn’t mind comforting him, but he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep it up. If this whole thing didn’t get sorted out soon, he knew they would fall apart.
“Except for you. You’re better than him.” Brendon sobbed, grabbing onto Spencer tighter. Spencer hushed Brendon, knowing what he needed more than anything was a good night of sleep. Brendon pulled away from Spencer slightly, but still keeping close to him. “I mean it. I don’t know where I’d be without you.” Brendon tried to smile, but it fell a little flat. Spencer squeezed Brendon’s arm and smiled.
“I’m always here when you need me.” Spencer said, meaning every word. Brendon wasn’t sure why, but he leaned in and pressed his lips to Spencer’s. Spencer blinked, shocked, and not sure what to do. Brendon backed away slightly, but then put his hand behind Spencer’s neck, and kissed him again. Spencer’s mind finally caught up with the situation, and he pulled away from him.
“Brendon.” But Brendon’s lips were on his again, this time his body pressed against his. Spencer put his hands on Brendon’s chest and lightly pushed against him, “Brendon, you don’t want this.”
Brendon backed off a little, looking into Spencer’s eyes. He shook his head, standing up from the bed.
“Uh... I’m sorry. I am... so fucked up.” Brendon pressed his hands to his face, and walked towards the door.
“Hey man, don’t take off. It’s okay, I get it.” Spencer tried to explain.
“I just... I need to go get some air.” Brendon excused himself, opening the door and walking out into the hall. He raced down the staircase, not wanting to stand still in the elevator.
“See what he’s doing to you? He deserves better? He’s always trying to make you feel weak. That stuff isn’t true, Ry. Come on, you’re better than that shit.” Jon ranted, putting his hand on Ryan’s thigh.
“Jon, just don’t okay?”
“Why can’t you see it? What is it about him?” Jon huffed, pulling his hand away. Ryan slid his legs over the side of the bed and stood up. He grabbed his scarf from the night stand and tied it around his neck.
“I love him, Jon. I can’t describe it as anything but that. And what happened between us was a mistake. Why can’t you accept that?” Ryan said, reaching his breaking point. The guilt was enough to drive him insane, he knew he needed to make amends. He couldn’t deal with Jon trying to convince him otherwise. Jon suddenly looked very sad. Ryan couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen him like that. He didn’t move, he just looked up at Ryan with big, sad eyes.
“I can’t accept that... because to me it wasn’t a mistake.” He whispered, tears starting to well in his eyes. Ryan’s heart sank at his words. He hated hurting Jon, but he knew how much he loved Brendon. He couldn’t settle for anyone else.
“Jon... I’m sorry.” Ryan said, turning on his heels and walking out the door. Jon watched him go.
“I love you.” He whispered into the empty room.
Ryan walked down the hallway to the elevator. He pushed the button repeatedly, until the bell rang. He got inside and pushed the ground floor button. He waited a few seconds before the doors opened into the lobby. He b-lined it for the door, and immediately took a cigarette out of his jacket pocket and lit it up. He looked out into the parking lot, hearing footsteps. He saw a silhouette balancing himself on the curb of the sidewalk, blowing out smoke into the air. Squinting into the darkness, he realized it was Brendon, and he froze. Brendon turned around, seeing Ryan standing by the entrance. He stopped his balance beam walking, and let himself step onto the parking lot pavement. They just stared at each other for a few minutes, taking drags of their cigarettes, and blowing them out.
“Jon’s in love with me.” Ryan said out into the cold air.
“I kissed Spencer.” Brendon replied.
“Why did you do that?” Ryan asked, trying not to let the jealousy color his tone. He had no room to be jealous.
“I’m not sure... Because he’s been an amazing person to me.” Brendon admitted.
“Jon tried to convince me that you were wrong... about everything you said. But I told him he was wrong and left.” Ryan explained, taking in another drag. Brendon took a few strides toward him.
“I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about that.”
“You don’t have to feel anything. I just thought I’d let you know.” Ryan shrugged. Brendon closed the rest of the gap between them, leaving only a few feet.
“So he’s in love with you...”
“I think so...”
“What are you going to do?” Brendon asked, feeling himself shake on the inside. He hated Ryan for what he’d done. But he loved Ryan with all of his heart. He wasn’t sure which one would out weigh the other.
“Nothing... I don’t love him back.” Ryan admitted, hating that it was that simple to him. Jon deserved to be loved by someone. He had so much love to give. But he couldn’t give him any love back, and he knew it. There was no point in giving Jon false hope. “I’m too in love with you.”
“I love you too... that’s why it sucks so much that you totally fucked me over.” Brendon said flatly, meaning every word, but not trying to attack Ryan. They didn’t need to relive that.
“I know.” Ryan sighed, flicking his cigarette onto the pavement and stepping on it. Brendon did the same, and sighed into the cold night air. Ryan looked over at him, “So, where does that leave us?”
“I’m not sure,” Brendon looked over at Ryan. They stared into each other’s eyes for a few seconds, “For now, I’m going to get some sleep. You should too.”
“Yeah, okay.” Ryan agreed. Brendon took the few steps to Ryan’s side, planning to pass him and walk into the hotel. But he stopped, and turned to face Ryan. He put his hand on Ryan’s chin, and turned his face towards him. Lightly, he pushed his lips onto Ryan’s. Ryan kissed back, but held himself back from attacking Brendon like he wanted to. Brendon pulled away from him, and smiled without real emotion.
“Have a good night.” He said, before turning and walking into the lobby.