Fluff, fluff and more fluff. I'm actually ashamed of how cheesey this is. Meh.
Enjoy the chapter!
I didn't bother go outside when lunch started. I had kept to myself during the first few lessons, keeping my headphones hidden beneath my hair, and slouching in a chair in the back of every classroom. The dream kept on playing over and over in my head, no matter how hard I tried to supress it. Great - at this rate I was gonna end up having a flashback in the middle of fucking geography. And then everyone would know what a retarded, pathetic little freak I really am.
So I stayed inside, sitting in the quiet, uncrowed libary. Cliche much? I just wasn't in the mood for the bright sun, warm weather (although, recently it had become a lot colder as winter drew in), or company. And the libary was one of the few places in the school where I knew I could avoid those things. Finding a quiet, deserted corner, I sat down on the floor, rested my back against the wall, pulled my knees up to my chest and lost myself in my music again. Ironically enough 'Rape Me' was playing. A shiver ran down my spine, and I skipped forward to find something more light hearted.
After about half an hour though, Green Day came on. Don't get me wrong - I love Green Day and find most of their music epic. Today the lyrics were getting to me though; It's been three whole weeks, Since that I have left your home, This sudden fear has left me trembling, Cause now it seems that I am out here on my own, And I'm feeling so alone. With the title, you'd expect it to be a cheerful song, but the words were hitting home with me a little too much today. Frowning, I killed the music, and tried to sink into nothingness again.
Unfortunately, memories started clouding my mind again. "Does the little faggot want his mommy?" "You're scum." SHUT UP!
I internally exploded, then broke down completely. Sometimes it felt like everyone was out to get me: My boyfriend didn't want me, my best friend would rather sleep than talk to me, my parents had kicked me out, then not even bothered to contact me on my birthday and none of the people in my gang probably liked me. I was too loud, too much of a whore, too stupid for anyone to like. The world would be a better place if I were to slit my wrists this second and die. The only thing anyone would care about would be clearing up my pathetic, ugly, useless body.
Tears rolled down my face, and my pathetic little body broke into shivers. I tried to supress them, but my mind was spinning and my body was shaking madly. I was the definition of pathetic. I buried my head in my knees and hugged my legs, so no one could see my face.
"Oh," I looked up to see a young boy standing at the end of the aisle of books, staring at me with his mouth open. I lowered my head again, trying to stop crying. No luck.
I don't know how long I was sitting there for, crying and shaking like some pathetic baby.
I frowned at Phin, who shrugged in response. She was clearly as worried as I was about Frank, how tensely she was sitting and gnawing at her lower lip showed that. It was about a quarter of an hour into lunch, and he hadn't appeared. Ollie and Adrian had told us that he'd been completely out of it during the last few lessons; sitting at the back with his iPod and not talking to anyone. Neither of them had the last lessson before lunch with him, and he had disappeared completely.
No one else quite understoood why we were so wound up about Frank, so were talking and joking around as usual. Andy put his arm around Phin and whispered somehting in her ear. I watched her shake her head, before sighing and resting her head on his shoulder, her eyes closed. I wondered what she was thinking - it was obvious the girl was worried about Frank, and that she'd seen enough of his flashbacks and bad dreams to have reason to be. I vaguely considered whether he'd been suicidal. I mean, you hear about some rape victems wanting to take their lives for whatever reason. But then, Frank hadn't really been raped, had he? Just... have a bottle shoved up him. I shuddered unintenionally when I thought that - yeah, it'd have been just as traumatic as actually being raped.
"Uh, excuse me?" The entire group turned as one to see a short boy with floppy blonde hair, standing a few feet away from the trees and shifting from foot to foot nervously.
"Yeah, what is it?" Amy asked, sounding extremely curious. We all were - it wasn't often this formidable group was approached by outsiders.
"Errrm, you guys are friends with that Frank guy? The one with all the tattoos?"
"Why?" Phin said sharply, her voice laced with worry. I glanced at her to see that she'd shifted away from Andy and was biting her lower lip.
"He's in the library. Crying. He looked pretty messed up."
There was a short, shocked silence then; "Frank? Crying?"
"Are you sure you've got the right guy?"
"What's wrong with him?"
"I've never seen Frank cry!"
"Can you imagine that?"
As the group babbled as one, they got to their feet, grabbing their bags and looking confused, surprised and concerned. It was clear they were anxious about their friend. To be honest, I'm surprised that some of them had enough heart to care. However, I also didn't think that everyone going would help Frank. The kid had a lot of pride, and I knew that his friends seeing him broken down would be a pretty big hit to his ego.
Apparently, Phin was thinking along the same lines as me.
"Guys, guys, guy - wait!" Her voice cut above the other's conversations about what on Earth was going on. When they were all quiet, she continued. "Look, I know you're all worried 'bout Frank, but seriously? He does not want all of us there right now. And if what's happening is what I think it is, you guys will not be helping. Please, just let me sort this out?"
"Is it like the... I dunno what that was... the fit he had at yours last month?" Adrian asked her.
"I think so. Please, just let me deal with this." Phin pleaded with the group.
Reluctantly, they nodded, and sat back down on the grass, their bags on the ground beside them. "Thanks." The girl smiled, then beckoned me to follow. I was surpirsed again - I thought that Phin would have wanted to have seen Frank on her own. "You said he was in the library?" She asked the kid who had brought the news. He nodded. "Ok, thanks for telling us, but don't you dare go gossiping about it, ok?" The kid looked petrified, and shook his head quickly. "Good, now bugger off!" He began to walk away, fast, and Phin called a final 'thanks' at his retreating back.
"Come on." I muttered to her, and we began to walk to the building the boy had indicated. "I didn't think you'd want me to come along."
"Course I do. You're his boyfriend for fuck's sake, and he clearly cares 'bout what you think, and I'd imagine you're just as good as comforting the kid as I'd be."
Phin snorted. "Plus, if what you said this morning was true, you really need to talk about him. Just to let him know that you care about him."
"How can he not know that?" I wondered aloud.
We went into the library, the lighting dim compared to the sun outside. "Look down the aisles - the empty ones I mean." Phin murmured. I nodded, and set off. As I walked past each row off books, I scanned the gaps, looking for Frank. It was basically empty in here, and very quiet; I was surprised that I couldn't hear him. Finallly, in the futhest corner away from the door as possible, I saw a small figure huddled in on itself, shaking silently. Black hair covered his head in an inky mess, and it's back was rising and falling gently, showing that he was breathing deeply.
I turned around and waved at Phin to show her where Frank was, then walked down the aisle so I was opposite my boyfriend. I sunk to my knees and leaned forwards, towards my boyfriend. "Hey, Frank."
He looked up suddenly, flinching away from me, as though I was going to attack him. His face was red and blotchy from crying, and his eyes were blood shot. He blinked a few times, before letting his head fall forward again.
"Please, leave me alone." He spoke so quietly, I could barely hear him, but that didn't mean I could detect the desperation in Frank's voice.
"I'm not going to go. Not until you do."
"Don't bother. If you don't want me, don't waste your time."
"Why you think that I don't want you is beyond me, Frank." I reached forward to stroke his soft hair, then decided it'd be easier just to move next to him. I trailed my hand down his spine, then wrapped my arm around his waist. I felt my boyfriend's body tense under my touch, but soon enough, he relaxed on to my shoulder.
"Who'd love a shit-faced whore like me?" He murmured, and I felt a fresh set of tears drip on to my top. His words shocked me though. Where the fuck had he got that idea from?
"Who wouldn't love a gorgeous, amazing, adorable, brilliant, guy like you?" I whispered back to Frank, kissing his black hair.
"I'm not any of those things. I'm nothing. I'm scum."
I moved back slightly and used my free hand to pull his head up to face me. He kept his chocolate brown eyes down, but I had a feeling that if I could see them, their usual fire would be gone. I needed to fix that. "Yeah," I stared hard at him, trying to persuade him to look up at me. "Maybe to some brainless idiot whose never taking the time to get to know you, maybe to the people who never met you, perhaps to jocks and tough nuts who judge you on sight. But who gives a flying fuck what they think?
"To me, you're wonderful, you're beautiful, you're amazing. A pain in the arse maybe," Frank snorted when I said that, and I smiled slightly, "but I couldn't wish for a more amazing, brilliant boyfriend than you. And that's just me - what about all your friends, what about Phin? A girl who you wake up in the unholy hours of the morning and still cares about you enough to ditch her boyfriend to try and find you.
"Then there's the rest of your gang! They were all really worried about ys when they found out you were upset. If they had it their way, they'd be in here now, telling you to stop talking shit. And then they'd probably go out to find who ever hurt you and beat them to a pulp! Do you honestly think that they think you're scum? They're the ones who matter anyway." I finished my little speech kinda out of breathe. I guess that's what smoking does to you.
Frank peered up at me through his black hair. It was strange how the postions had been reversed - usually I was the shy, uncomfortable one. "Do you really care, really want me?" He whispered.
"I'd be a fool not to."
I was such an idiot. Completely pathetic, bawling my eyes out lke some lost two year old. Making such a scene my amazing, beautiful boyfriend had to give a whole (really corny) speech, just to cheer me up. I still coudn't see why anoyone would want me. Why anyone would care. But apparently they did. Apparently Gerard cared enough about me to be bothered to pick up the pieces of my emotional breakdown. And so did the rest of my gang. I was glad they weren't here though; the fewer people who witnessed this, the better.
"Why?" I whispered to him, my eyes begging for... I don't even know. I probably looked like some beaten puppy, desperate for attention. But that's not cute when you're not a dog. "Why do you care?"
"Why does anyone care about anything?" Gerard shrugged. "But hey I have to - you can't love someone and not care about them."
I froze for a second. Did he really just say that he loves me? After all the shit I'd put him through. Ok, I wasn't the sort of person who saw the word 'love' to be almost holy, a life changing thing that you said to only one person in your life. It wasn't a huge deal, or re-allign planets. But it still was a pretty damn big commitment to make.
"Y-you love me?" I couldn't really believe it.
"Otherwise I'd be outta here like a bat outta hell." A small smirk played across Gerard's lips, but that didn't make his words any less genuine.
I bit my bottom lip, tears welling up in my eyes, yet again. This time they were happy though. No one had told me that they loved me since my parents kicked me out. My mom used to tell me all the time, but I'd always taken it for granted. I hadn't heard anyone say that they loved me me except when they were in a drunken, orgasmic stupor, and didn't mean it at all. I suppose it was one of things that you didn't appriciate until it was gone. But knowing that I was loved by Gerard was all I needed to hear. Just one person caring about you to mean those words made life worth living. After all, what is life without love - no matter what kind it is?
I let a smile creep across my face and wrapped my arms around my boyfriend's neck. "You know what?" I whispered. "I think I've fallen in love with you too."
"Ok, I know." I smiled. It was hilarious really. Only a few weeks ago, I'd been afraid to admit that I cared about the guy. Now I was declaring that I loved Gerard. "This whole thing is just so corny though."
"Tell me about it." He laughed, leaning back. I relaxed on to his shoulder. As much as I hated being so short, it did put me at the perfect hieght to do so. "Way to kill the moment though!"
"I have a habit of doing that." I shrugged, wiping the rest of the tears away from my eyes.
"Look, I'm sorry 'bout last night." Gerard said, squeezing my side with the arm that hadn't moved from its postion wrapped around me.
"It's ok, I get it. It's just, I over reacted completely, then had that dream." I shuddered again at the memory. "It kinda got to me."
"Yeah, Phin told me you called her." Well that would explain how he knew. "You should have come and seen me."
"I know." I snuggled closer to him. "I was being stupid."
"Aren't we all."
"I'd like to think I'm quite intelligent actually." A soft female voice said. Phin walked down the aisle, her flip flops slapping on the hard floor. She sat down opposite me and Gerard - we were still curled up around eachother. "I was gonna see what was up with you, but Gerard beat me to it. When I finally found you he seemed to be doing pretty well at cheering you up though, so I didn't interrupt."
"Shame you didn't - that was the cheesiest thing I've ever heard." I teased and the other two chuckled.
"Well, I actually went to reception and got you guys the rest of the day off. So feel free to leave." Phin got to her feet. "I hope you feel better soon Frankie."
"I already do." I smiled. "And thanks for everything."
"I already told you - it's your job to bug me." She flashed a small grin, then walked off.
"Shall we go then?" Gerard asked me.
"Please - I just wanna get some sleep."
"Well, you can get some at home." He pulled me to my feet, and we walked out of the school and in to the carpark hand-in-hand. It was ironic really, that we were planning to bunk anyway, and ended up getting permission to go. I said this to Gerard.
"Yeah, how'd Phin swing that anyway?" He mused, unlocking the car and sliding into the driver's seat.
"No idea." I yawned. Obviously, I hadn't slept amazingly last night, and was exhausted after the roller coaster of emotions that today had been. "Offered the receptionist a blowj'?"
Gerard laughed. "Maybe. Now go to sleep, I'll wake you up when we get to John's."
"Yes Mom," I muttered before resting my head on the door and allowing sleep to consume me.
The roads were fairly quiet as I drove home, but that was hardly surprising as most people were either at work or school at this time. As I was driving though, I couldn't help but notice something: When I first arrived, everyone had been wearing shorts, t-shirts, bikinis, swimming trunks, and less. Now most of them were wearing jeans and short tops, or jumps and shorts. Without me even noticing, it had got a lot colder. I'd never had it in me to wear shorts, and recently I hadn't been suffering as much in my skinnies. I guess winter was drawing in. I wondered what was going to happen this Christmas - whether I'd end up going home, or stay here.
When we arrived at John's, I woke Frank up and we went inside, using the spare key to unlock the door. Mikey heard us and came out of the lounge, but I shook my head slightly and put a finger to my lips. He raised an eyebrow, but nodded and remained quiet as I lead Frank upstairs.
We went into his room, and he immediately collapsed into bed.
"You're gonna regret sleeping fully clothed you know." I told him.
"Meh, I really can't be arsed to change." He groaned, but began to pull his jeans off anyway. When Frank was in nothing but his boxers, he lay down again and pulled the covers around him. I sat down on the bed next to him, smiling as he yawned. He really did look adorable when he was sleepy.
"You ok now?" I asked softly, reaching out to stroke his hair back from his face. I knew it was dead corny, but who cares? It was only the two of us.
"Yeah," Frank replied, yawning again. "Stay with me?" He grabbed my hand and tugged me down. I laughed and climbed into bed with him. Thank goodness his was biggier than mine, or we'd both be falling out right now. "Thanks," he whispered. "For everything. I know I was being a complete idiot, but there you go..."
"It's nothing, I'm glad I could help you. Besides - look at it this way; you got us the rest of the day off school."
"True." He laughed. "Very true." He snuggled down a little, and wrapped an arm around my waist. "Kill me for saying this, but I really do love you Gee."
I smiled as he said that. Hearing it made me incredibly happy, and I believed Frank when he said it. Guess all my worrying about him cheating on me, and not caring was a waste of time. "Love you too Frank."
He snorted slightly, and smiled. "God, we sound like some sort of bad romance movie."
"Goodnight." I kissed his forehead, and just lay there as my boyfriend fell into a deep - hopefully dreamless - sleep.
As I said, really unbelievably cheesy. I am actually embarrassed by it. Still, gotta be done. I pity these boys though... It's all gonna crash and burn!
>Bursts into song< Crash, crash, burn, let it all buuuuurrrrrn! This hurricane's chasing us all underground.
Sorry, had to. I am obsessed with Mars. As my search history could verify. And Jared Leto is soooooo gorgeous! I love him. Nearly as much as Andy Sixx. And that is saying something. Hmmmm, Andy, Jared, Andy, Jared. Both are so gorgeous.
Anyway, now you know much of a demented teenie I am REVIEW AND RATE my friends.
And as there is no way in hell I'm updating tomorrow:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!