Gerard meets Mikey's new friends.
When I sat opposite Mikey at the dinner table the next morning, he glanced sleepily at me for a moment before double taking and stared intently at my face.
“Fucking hell!” he exclaimed. “You look even worse than you usually do!”
I groaned and made my way of to where our precious coffee was kept.
“Thank you very much for that, Mikey,” I called over my shoulder as I poured the boiling water over the granules. “Way to boost my self-esteem.” It was meant as a joke, yet as soon as the words passed my lips I regretted them. Mikey coughed uncomfortably and looked down at his half eaten bowl of Weetos, the cereal a brown mush.
“Sorry.” He muttered. “I didn’t mean it.” I exhaled noisily. “S’ok.” I said. “Please, just forget about it.”
An unpleasant silence grew between us, till my brother cleared his throat and spoke.
“Mum’s back today.” I smiled briefly. The only contact I had with my mum during the week was via text, so I treasured our time together. Usually she worked on Saturdays too, but since it was our first week at school she had taken the day off to spend with us.
“Yeah. It’ll be good to see her. When’s she home?” Mikey looked thoughtful for a second before replying with a doubtful, “I think she said seven, but I'm not entirely sure… I’ll text her and ask.” I nodded, before turning from Mikey to make another cup of coffee, and began to chug that down as well.
My brother looked down at his Weetos and dug his spoon in again, eating the spoonful of milky mush in a way that made me feel a little nauseous. He looked up again at me, and swallowed.
“You gonna eat something?” he trailed off when he saw my face. His own features turned to one of despair. “Please Gerard, you got to eat. You're getting so thin now, and I'm so scared. Just eat something? P-pl-please?” The stutter made my heart break. I was tearing Mikey apart. I was tearing everyone I knew apart, consuming them in my self hatred until I spat out the messed up remains. As much as I disagreed with Mikey about how I looked, and my weight issues, I walked over to the fruit basket sat in the middle of the table and plucked an apple from the pile of fruit. I made sure it was the smallest apple, and then ate it quickly, avoiding Mikey’s gaze. When I had finished and thrown the core in the bin, I turned to Mikey and raised my eyebrows at him. He looked kind of impressed that I had actually eaten something before midday.
“Happy now?” Mikey beamed at me. “Terrific.” He said, before returning to his bowl of cereal and eating the dregs at the bottom of the bowl. I shook my head and left the room, heading to the bathroom. I grabbed a clean towel off a radiator as I went, planning to have a shower to rejuvenate myself, and get ready for the day.
As I undressed to have a shower, however, unwanted thoughts began to swirl in my head. His voice, their voices, shouting at me, taunting me.
“You’re worthless! You're just a shitty piece of flab.”
[/“You’re nothing. All you're good at is fucking, you fat whore.”
[/“Yeah, lose some weight, fucking fat ass.”
[/“You good for nothing cunt. Stop fucking crying or you’ll regret it.”
As much as I hated to admit it to myself, the voices were right.
I shuddered, disgusted at the fact that I had eaten something when I so clearly needed to lose weight. Tears burned my eyelids as the cruel voices echoed in my head, over and over. There was no release. I needed to make the release happen myself, and fast.
I stumbled over to the toilet, throwing myself in front of the bowl and sticking my fingers into the back of my throat, gagging before my stomach let loose the apple that I had just consumed. I did it again, and again, till there was nothing lest to bring back up and the voices were finally gone from my head.
I felt so tired.
Dragging myself from up off the floor, I flushed the toilet, and pushed myself into the shower, ridding my face especially from the vomit that had not made its way into the toilet bowl. After my shower I brushed my teeth meticulously, striving to make sure that no trace of sick could be found anywhere in my mouth.
I traipsed back into my room, and tugged on some clean clothes for once, although they followed the same general pattern as all my other garments. Black, black, and more black, with a hint of blood red and emerald green. I swiped on my eyeliner, cursing the fact that I had nearly used it up and would have to buy a new one, before grabbing my coat and bounding upstairs to find my brother ready and waiting for me, his eyebrow quirked. I felt slightly guilty when I saw his face, because he didn't know what I had done in the bathroom, but what I had done was for the best, i thought to myself.
“Ready to go then?” I nodded, and out of the door we went.
I got increasingly more nervous as we approached the school, running my plan over and over in my head. No Frank. Frank was off limits.
Mikey turned to me as we reached the gates, his eyes searching into mine.
“Remember,” He said, “Please stay away from those guys. Come sit with me at lunch, it’ll be fun. You can meet my friends! Hey, they might even become your friends too!” It was unlikely, but I thanked Mikey for trying, and promised to stay away from Frank.
As I walked up the steps to the front door, I spotted the boy with his girlfriend. I couldn’t remember her name exactly, Emma? Emily? I decided on Emily. Still, I passed them pretty easily, without Frank even noticing I was there, since he seemed to be playing a very drawn out and ferocious game of tonsil hockey. Emily had her hands curled up around Frank’s neck, whereas his arms were wrapped round her waist, his hands shoved down the back of her miniskirt, gripping her arse. I was pretty sure my face was a mask of disgust and unhappiness, in equal proportion.
I liked Frank; there was no doubt about it. But, unfortunately for me, he was neither gay, nor a particularly nice person. I had heard the stories. Mikey had told me, when he had first seen us together that apparently last year he ad been suspended for accidentally breaking out into a fight in the school car park, giving his opponent, (who happened to be twice the size of him) three busted ribs, a broken radius, and numerous cuts and bruises. He was dangerous. And this display of lust on front of me made it much easier for me to stick to my ‘avoid Frank’ thing that I had going on.
For first lesson, I had biology, a class which I didn’t share with Frank, thank the lord. We were learning about cells, and as interesting Mitochondria were, I couldn’t really concentrate. The lack of sleep I had had over the past week was catching up with me. Instead, I lay my head on my hands and dozed off in the corner, only slightly keeping an eye on what was going on around me so I didn’t look like a complete fool if they asked me a question. My biology teacher was nice, she was short, and had a complete obsession with faeces, which was just hilarious. Everyone in the class liked her. Still, when the bell went, she managed to give us a shit load of homework that would keep me busy over the weekend.
I spent break in the toilet, sitting on one of the seats. I didn’t feel ready to meet Mikey’s new friends just yet, but I tod myself at lunch I would definitely make an appearance. The next double lesson I had was Maths, where I was still sat next to the annoying girl who, realising (after a phenomenal amount of time) that I didn’t want to talk to her, had taken to chewing bubblegum, and the incessant pops that erupted next to me for the whole 100 minutes drove me up the fucking wall. I didn’t mind my maths teacher. As boring and monotonous as he may have been, he could see that I was uncomfortable with being asked questions, and so for the large part ignored me. That suited me just fine.
Finally, lunch came, and I tentatively made my way to the canteen, where I saw Mikey sitting there already with a small group around him. Looking up, he spotted me, and beckoned me to come over causing a couple of heads to snap up in my direction. I felt increasingly awkward as I approached the table, a flush spreading across my cheeks.
“Hey guys? This is my older brother Gerard. D’you mind if he sits with us for lunch?” the group as one broke into smiles and motioned for me to sit. Cautiously, I drew a chair up next to my brother, and sat beside him. He looked pleased that I had turned up.
The guy I had sat next to smiled. “I'm Ryan,” he said, extending a hand out towards me. I looked at it doubtfully, before flicking my eyes back to me brother in fear. Mikey, being the angel that he was, realised what was going on and cut in smoothly:
“Just so you guys know, Gerard doesn’t really like being touched. So, don’t be upset or offended if he doesn't want to touch you. Okay?”
Jesus, did these people ever stop smiling?
Ryan removed his hand, instead giving me a cute little wave. “Hey, that’s cool. Its nice to meet you. This is Spencer,” he pointed to a boy who had dark brown hair “Jon,” another brown haired boy, “Lindsey and Olivia.” The two girls smiled at me, one with peroxide blond hair, the other bright blue. Both had multiple piercings. I hadn't really gotten to look at Mikey’s crush up close, but I could tell that she was really pretty. She had big blue eyes, and while her face seemed innocent, her eyes sparkled mischievously. I could see why Mikey liked her.
“It’s nice to meet y'all.” I managed before lapsing into silence and staring down at my black converse. I didn’t mean to be rude, but I had nothing to say.
“Hey… Gerard?” I heard a voice say to me. I looked up at the sound of the blonde girls- Lindsey’s- voice.
“Aren’t you gonna get some lunch?” I looked down at the table we were sat at and realised that everyone sat there had some kind of hot meal. Oh shit, I hadn't thought of that.
Mikey looked at me, waiting for my answer. It seemed I would disappoint him yet again.
“Oh, I'm fine, I don’t want anything.” I replied, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. This was actually true. I had gone on periods of starvation (even though they never seemed to help) so many times I no longer could tell whether I was hungry or not.
I heard Mikey’s audible sigh next to me. I then proceeded to ignore it, desperate to take the focus off of me, and I turned to Olivia.
“So.” I said. “Mikey’s told me a lot about you.” Mikey immediately blushed a deep pink and started to stammer incoherently. Olivia just smiled and laughed a cute, twinkly sound. “All good I hope!” she said back, nudging Mikey in the ribs, causing him to stutter even more.
Around me the table laughed at Mikey’s reaction, but it wasn't a cruel laugh, like I was used to, but a nice, caring laugh. The quote ‘laughing with you, not at you’ came to mind. I just sat back for the rest of the lunch break, not really talking, but nevertheless listening and laughing.
But as hard as I tried, I still couldn’t stop my thoughts revolving around that one person they were forbidden to think about.
And there ye go, all my readers. I hope you liked it, and thank you so much for all the reviews you have given me so far. I have replied to all of them, if you wish to read my responses... Anyway, if you review, and rate again, it would make me very, very happy. Thank you!