Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me.
That night when I got home was a good night. Mum was back, she was happy, if rather tired, and Mikey was in a good mood for reasons I wanted to find out as soon as possible. They both scolded me as I came through the door, but it was half hearted, and ended up with Mikey saying a rude joke and Mum slapping him round the face in a loving way. I was so happy I even ate most of my dinner, which both Mikey and Ma were pleased about. I hadn't eaten that much in one go for months.
There was only one thing I kept from them. Frank. I didn’t tell them that he was in detention with me, or that he had stood up for me in my lesson. To be honest, I was confused about him. I didn’t understand what he wanted from me. He had his friends, a girlfriend. I didn’t get why he would want to talk to an emotionally messed up freak like me. I was thinking about this after I had gone to sleep, following a movie marathon with Mikey. We had watched Jaws¸ and Mikey had laughed at me whenever I had jumped when something unexpected happened. Sure I had watched the film before, but it always got me. I was more into the blood and gore and shit. Or cheesy stuff like Star Wars…
Just thinking of Star Wars made me think of Frank again, and I rolled over in my bed, grasping my pillow in frustration. Why did he permeate my thoughts like this? Why did I think about him all the fucking time? I didn’t understand, and quite frankly, it was making me nervous. I was supposed to be ignoring the guy, not thinking about him all night long. I groaned, realising that I was gong to have another sleepless night. I dragged myself out of bed, grabbed my packet of cigarettes, tugged on a thick coat, and made my way upstairs and out onto the back porch of my house.
I sat there for a while, steadily smoking, my fingers curled around my cigarette like it was my salvation. I had sat out here many times before when I couldn’t sleep, it was my place to think, reflect, and generally relax. It was cold, sure, it was the middle of September after all, and it was half two in the morning, but I didn’t care.
Finishing the cigarette, I stubbed it out and immediately lit another, my fingers cradling around my lighter as I lit the thing, sucking in the smoke as it started glowing. I sat there like that for the rest of the night, only going in when the sun started to rise on the horizon.
Since it was the weekend, and I had no friends whatsoever, I spent my entire day alternating between drawing and drinking coffee, sometimes at the same time. Mikey had been asked by Jon he could go into the town centre to go look at music stuff, after they had found out that they both played bass avidly. I had been tentatively asked by my brother if I wanted to go, but since I couldn’t play anything for shit and I didn’t particularly care about guitar stuff I declined. Mum spent most of the day sleeping, since she had been working all week and would have to work all of next week as well, but that didn’t bother me as I wanted to be left on my own. I just sat and drew, closely paying attention to each line and smudging the charcoal when I saw fit. I enjoyed drawing, painting, and art in general. It pushed all of my fears and woes to the back of my head and left me to just do what I wanted to. I drew because I loved drawing, and that’s all there was to it. I didn't think I was particularly good at it, but whenever I told Mikey this he just punched me lightly and said it was my low self esteem talking. He said I was amazing, and that was one of the reasons why I loved my brother so much. He looked out for me, he cared for me, and he always knew what to do. He listened to me, and I listened to him.
Which is why I pushed my art work away with a sigh when he came bouncing into my room with a huge smile on his face. Bouncing was not a word I would usually associate with Mikey's movements, but today he looked like he was gonna start jumping off the walls at any moment.
“Guess what? Guess what Gerard?!” he said, jumping up and down, his glasses askew from all the movement. I shrugged; I had no fucking idea what was going on in that head of his.
“Err… you ate too much sugar and now you’re as high as a fucking kite?” I asked.
“No! Well, not really, I had some ice cream, but that’s not why I'm so happy. I was at the music shop with Jon, which is really cool by the way, they have the most amazing bass in there and I really want it for my birthday, which is next week,” he added, looking at me pointedly. I hadn't forgotten, I just hadn't got round to buying him anything. I had drawn him a picture though, so all was good so far. “But anyway, I was in there, and then Olivia came in with Lindsay, who also plays bass, which is just really, really cool, and then Olivia made me talk with her alone, and she said she liked me, and now we’re going on a date next Friday!” By the time Mikey had finished that he was breathless, but still grinning madly.
I blinked at the sudden onslaught of information, and then as soon as the words processed through my brain I jumped up and gave Mikey a massive hug. It may have been a little soon, they had only known each other for less than a week but I could see how excited Mikey was. “Good on you bro! I'm so proud, she seems lovely. What you gonna do on your date?” I asked. Mikey’s face went blank for a moment.
“Err… I dunno.” He said slowly. “I didn’t think about that. Christ, Gee, what am I gonna do?” I sighed. I knew that he hadn't thought all of this through.
“How about go grab a coffee or something? Then you can talk and learn more about her and it won't be too much for a first date, you know?” why Mikey had asked me of all people for first dates I did not know, since I hadn't gone one since I was thirteen, and had resulted in me being dumped for being a bad kisser or something. I couldn’t really remember. Still, Mikey’s face lit up.
“That’s a great idea Gerard! I can take her to that nice coffee shop down the road after school on Friday, and I can talk to her about loads of stuff. This is great! I do like her Gerard, I really do.” He didn’t have to tell me, I knew he did.
“I’m glad you like my idea, now, what you wanna do to celebrate my brother on getting his first date?”
Mikey grinned. “I'm thinking mass video game marathon!” he said. “You are so going down on Zelda.” He carried on saying as he shot up the steps out of my room and into the living room where he began to set the TV up. I followed him, cradling my lukewarm cup of coffee.
“Jeesh, keep it down, mums trying to sleep. But you're fucking on!” I replied, setting down my mug and picking up the worn controller. We had a lot of sessions like this at weekends, and our controllers were well used.
“You are so gonna die, brother, your rubbish at this. Look you can't even use the fucking sword!” Mikey exclaimed, jabbing his fingers onto the buttons like they had personally aggravated him. His eyes were fixed so intently on the screen as we began playing that it made me chuckle and lose my concentration slightly.
“HA! I win! I win! You suck! Kiss my fucking ass brother!” I did nothing of the sort, but just laughed at how worked up my brother got. Sure I was competitive when it came to these games, but Mikey was just hilarious to watch.
“Rematch!” I cried, and then began again, furiously tapping my controller, Mikey next to me doing the same. The air was filled with shitty music playing from the game, and every so often I or Mikey would curse, or smile happily.
After two hours of intense playing I finally set down my remote in defeat. Mikey saw this and punched his arm into the air. “Fuck yeah! I knew I would beat you, you fucker! Bow down to the mighty Mikester, cos he is fucking awesome!”
“Language, Michael!” both of us looked up simultaneously at mum’s voice. I smirked. Mikey blushed. “Don’t you ever use such profanity when I am around! I could hear you all the way from the bedroom.”
“It was all Mikey's fault.” I called out before Mikey could say anything, and he slapped me on the arm as I started to giggle.
“Oh, how could you? That’s just mean, blaming me for everything. You arse!” Mikey reached over and began tickling me until I was gasping for breath, wheezing uncontrollably. “Sto… Hahaha… No st... Please. Oh my god hahahhaa…” Mikey ignored my demands and then went and sat on me, straddling me in an attempt to pin me down and tickle me more.
Unfortunately, it brought back memories of them. Suddenly, I wasn’t gasping out of laughter, I was gasping out of fear, the onslaught of memories overwhelming me. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. He was sat on me like they used to, and he was touching my sides like they loved to do also. Oh no, I could feel them, the pain, the agony, crushing me, engulfing me, overpowering me, until I was nothing but a shell of a person.
This wasn’t funny anymore.
Mikey could sense the change in me, and rolled off, although I could barely sense his presence. I immediately curled into a ball, tears that seemed to come from nowhere streaming down my face.
“Get them off. G… Get them off of me! Please stop, I can't stand it. It hurts. It hurts so bad!” I screamed. I couldn’t feel Mikey beside me anymore. It was like my mind wasn’t in the room anymore, it was there with them. “Shit, no. please no!” I cried. No-one listened. It just went on and on and on. Never ending, the shock, the torture, the inexplicable pain.
I was brought back to reality by a gentle hand on my shaking shoulder. I slowly opened my eyes and saw my mothers face above mine. I gradually uncurled myself, satisfied, that the memories were just memories and I spotted my brother in the corner, his elbows resting on his knees and he was crying into his hands. I reached out to him, beckoning him to come over. He didn’t notice, so I tried to talk to him.
“Mikey… I'm sorry.” I ignored my Mum’s attempts to help me, and carried on talking to my brother. “Mikey, I'm so sorry; I shouldn’t have acted like that.” Mikey’s head shot up, his eyes a raw red colour. I winced. I had done this to him.
“No. no, don’t be sorry. It’s my entire fault, I should have known. I’m sorry. I didn’t realise… I'm a rubbish brother.” Mikey threw his eyes back into his hands again. It was hard to remember that he was only fourteen sometimes.
I batted my mothers fretting hands away and crawled over to Mikey, wrapping my arms around his skinny waist. I was covered in sweat, snot and tears, but Mikey didn’t seem to mind, gripping me tightly, and whispering “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.” Over and over again into my ear.
I forgave him, it wasn’t his fault. It was theirs.
There we go. Please R&R as always! I'll update sooner if you reply... And please check out my oneshot that I posted the link on the last chapter. It would be really kind of you to review on that as well, so I know never to write that kind of shit again