How Gerard and Frankie are coping with the new... situation.
Did y'all have good half terms and shit? Mine was EPIC. Hint for any of you going skiing - Bulletproof Heart is amazing to go down a mountain to. The End. is not.
Anyways, I'm predicting one more chapter, then a epilogue for this story, and then, as much as it pains me, we are finished! Is it bad that I actually find that a depressing thought? I'mma miss this story!
Enjoy the chapter.
The next few days were odd. After throwing Frank out her house, Phin had helped me to find a place to stay, guessing that I wouldn't want to go back to John's with Frank still there. It was strange really that the man was my uncle, yet it was me moving out. It should have been Frank, but how do you explain to your uncle that you want your boyfriend out the house because he raped you? John wanted an explanation why I was going of course, but I simply said that I'd argued with Frank and just wanted to get away for a few days. He wasn't happy with it, but I refused to stay in the house whilst my ex-boyfriend was there.
Phin had talked to Lissa, who had persuaded Bob to let me stay with him for a few weeks. He didn't know exactly what had happened, but was happy to let me stay. I still felt guilty for intruding but with any luck, it wouldn't be for too long - I was going back to New Jersey first chance I got.
Part of me didn't want to - wanted to stay with the friends I made, in the place I was now familiar with. But that part was over-shadowed by how desperate I was to get away from Frank. Things were so badly messed up between us; on my side all I felt was fear, hate, anger and rejection. I didn't know what he felt; after Saturday night, the next time I saw him was Wednesday lunch time.
Frank hadn't been in school for the last few days, but I didn't care. In fact, I was happy about it - it was easy to avoid someone who wasn't there.
We were sitting under the usual trees (though now people were huddled up in hoodies and jeans, as opposed to the t-shirts and shorts I had become used to), talking about Lena. It was common knowledge by this point that she had been knocked up, but now it was up for debate what she was going to do. Most people were betting that she'd get an abortion, though a surprising amount of my friends thought that it was morally wrong. I noticed Jared being uncharacteristically quiet, but couldn't blame him - I would be too.
Anyway, Frank stumbled over halfway though the discussion, looking completely drunk. His clothes were twisted and scruffy, and there were purple bags under his eyes. He looked at me, and I quickly flicked my eyes away.
The whole group went silent when he sat down, looking slightly shocked at his appearance. Frank stared round at them, eyes narrowed, and the majority of the group went back to their conversation. I noticed Phin still gazing at the new arrival. I couldn't read her expression though.
I ignored the two of them, and tried to pay attention to Amy protesting to Ollie that it was completely wrong to even consider killing an unborn baby. This was nearly as bad as the argument about wanting kids or not.
I tensed suddenly, feeling warm breathe on the back of my neck. I knew instinctively who it was, even without Phin glaring over my shoulder at them.
I turned to see Frank on all fours behind me, gazing at me with huge, begging puppy-dog eyes. I'd never seen him looking like that, those brown orbs desperate, with no hint of their usual fire. I shuffled back, wrinkling my nose at the smell of his breathe. It was disgusting.
"What do you want?" I hissed, glaring at the guy I used to love so much.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered back. "I really am. It was stupid, and horrible and I wish so much I could just re-do that night completely."
"What? So you could rape me again?" I spat back, careful to keep my voice low. Only three people knew what happened that night - me, Frank and Phin - and I intended on keeping it that way.
"No!" He insisted, looking horrified. "I wish I never did! Please, Gerard, I wasn't in my right mind what with that speed and the dreams. I am so, so sorry - please, believe me."
I stared at him. Did he honestly expect me to have a shred of love, of any emotion other than hate towards him? He'd hurt me more than any other person I'd met, the fact that I loved him just making the rape even harder to deal with.
I felt tears well up in my eyes, despite the hatred that I felt. I blinked hurriedly, determined not to to let Frank see. "Just leave me alone." I hissed, before standing up. "It's too cold out here." I announced to the rest of the group. "I'm going inside."
I was slightly surprised when Phin stood up. "I'll join you," she said, not looking at me, but still glaring at Frank. "Lissa? Andy?"
"Yeah, sure." The two of them grabbed their bags, Lissa glancing down at her boyfriend, asking mutely he was joining them. Bob climbed to his feet as well, and the five of us walked back to the school building together.
I sadly watched my seemingly ex-boyfriend and apparently former best friend disappear into the school building.
I felt like complete and utter shit, and knew I deserved it. What I had done was completely unforgivable, but I was determined to try and make it up to Gerard, to try and make him feel a tiny bit better, and perhaps not hate me. I had fucked up big time, but still couldn't help but hope for forgiveness.
The fact that Phin was also mad at me just made the whole thing worse. She had been my best friend for years now, and the fact that she was angry at me just hammered home how bad my actions had been - after all, she'd stuck with me through everything before this. Not that I needed anything else to tell me what I'd done was horrible.
I sighed deeply and leaned back on to the tree behind me. After Sunday, I'd slipped back into my old habits - I'd gone to a club, got completely pissed and picked up some random person to sleep with. It'd been a girl this time; simply for a change. The night had been great - for several blissful hours, I'd forgotten what a monster I was. How stupid and horrible and undeserving of any love I was.
In the morning, well afternoon, when I woke up again, the whole thing hit me all over again. So what did I do? Go out, get drunk, take drugs and try and forget again. Except this time, it didn't work. I couldn't stop thinking about Saturday night, the details still vague, but enough there to make me shudder with horror and make me feel repulsed by myself. Memories of Sunday hit equally hard; the look of rage on Phin's face when she kicked me out of her house tormented me every time I wasn't thinking about Gerard.
Even know they couldn't help me to forget, I still drank and swallowed pills to numb the pain. Now, I just had a banging headache, and a brain full of unwanted memories.
"What happened there?" I opened my eyes to see Lee looking at me inquisitively.
"What d'ya mean?" I snorted in reply.
"Did you and Gerard fight or something?"
"Something like that."
"What 'bout Phin?" Amy leaned forward to ask. "I have never seen her ditch you like that."
"Thanks for reminding me." I said, very sarcastically.
"Sorry, mate. We were just curious." Lee instantly came to his girlfriend's defence.
"So what happened anyway?" Amy pressed.
"I had an argument with Gerard. Phin took his side. There's nothing else to it." I said.
"It musta been pretty bad for her to ditch you though." Amy frowned in thought. "And you and Gerard were acting pretty lovey-dovey last week too."
"Look, I fucked things up properly, ok?" I leaned my head back against the tree, closing my eyes so no one could see the tears that were welling up.
"Are you ok, dude?" I heard Ollie ask softly, voice full of concern. At least someone still cared about me.
"No," I muttered bitterly. "But I'm gonna fix this mess. I've got to."
I managed to avoid Frank for the rest of the day. I was thankful for that, not wanting another confrontation. I left with Bob, as I was currently staying in his house. Half an hour later, I was lying on a camping bed, listening to the TV playing and trying not to think.
Bob's room stunk of pot - I didn't know how his parents didn't notice. He was was watching The Simpsons or something, chuckling occasionally at the jokes. I felt bad for intruding, but at least I'd be gone soon.
I'd checked my emails when I got home, and Mikey had replied to my message begging him to convince Mom and Dad to let me come home. They had agreed, after calling John and him confirming that I was clean and sober. That wasn't exactly entirely true; Bob had been drinking and smoking joints like there was no tomorrow for the duration of my stay, and he had been very generous with it. I had agreed, figuring that it could help me forget everything - forget Frank.
Anyway, I was on a plane out of here this time next week, and it couldn't come fast enough as far as I was concerned. I was reluctant to lose the friends that I had made here, but today had just confirmed that staying would mean never getting away from my ex-boyfriend, and that was something I really could not handle.
I didn't register the TV being turned off, and it was only after Bob said my name several times that I noticed that he was trying to talk to me.
"Gerard. Gerard. Hello? Earth to Gerard?"
I looked over at the blonde boy sitting on his bed. He had a home rolled joint in between his fingers, the end already alight and letting out a sweet, intoxicating smell. He was one out to me along with a lighter.
"Want one?" He asked.
"Yeah, thanks." I reached over and grabbed the drugs and lighter. I lit the joint and inhaled the other end, greedily sucking up the mind numbing smoke. After a few minutes, I was feeling pleasantly relaxed, and blissfully at ease.
"Ay, Gee?" Bob's voice seemed to come from a long way away, and was slightly slurred but still understandable.
"Yeah?" I responded, noting that my voice was the definition of 'doped up'.
"You 'n' Frank. One minute you're all in love 'n' shi'. The nex' you can't stand the sigh' of each other."
"An'?" I slurred.
"And wha' happened?"
I frowned in irritation. Despite Bob helping me out, and giving me somewhere to stay, I didn't want to tell him what had happened. After all, the whole mess was his fault really - I might have hated Frank, but I did believe that he wouldn't have acted the way he did if not for the speed he'd taken. And since it was Bob that gave him those drugs to start with, I didn't think it was unreasonable to blame him a bit.
"We argued." I shrugged. "It wa' pret'y messed up. I ha'e 'im now."
"I' can't 'ave been tha' bad."
"I' was. You weren't there, Bob."
"I'mma slee' now." I faked a yawn, not walking to talk anymore. I was feeling quite tired besides. I rolled under the covers and waited for sleep to come to me.
It didn't though - memories did. All of the horror hit me again, and I felt dirty, ashamed, like a waste of space. I didn't try and stop the years rolling down my face as I remembered what had happened. How could Frank think I'd ever forgive him after that? I meant what I said - I hated him.
The next few days passed fairly uneventfully. I went to school, ignored Frank when he talked to me, smoked with Bob, and made the most of the last few days I had with these people.
I still wasn't entirely sure what some of them thought of me, but I was gonna miss most of them. Despite everything, I still felt kind of bitter towards Phin; jealously remaining over her relationship with Frank, even though neither of us were talking to him. I wondered what would happen between the two of them after I left. In a few months, the whole mess would probably have been forgotten for them two, and they'd be best friends again. Perhaps that's why I was resenting Phin so much at the moment.
The weekend was boring - I'd got some more of my stuff from John's at a time that I knew Frank would be working. Nearly all of my stuff was at Bob's now, so I wouldn't have to go back to my uncle's before leaving. He was insisting on giving me a lift up to the airport anyway, so anything I had left would probably be picked up anyway.
On Sunday, me, Bob, Lissa, Phin and Jared went to the cinema. There was only a crappy kid's movie playing, but it turned out to be really funny and a welcome break from the stress and drama that my life had become. Plus, when the five of us left, Phin, Lissa and Jared suddenly burst into screams and ran out yelling "Don't go and see that movie! You'll be having nightmares for weeks!" and really scaring some little kids who were in line to see it next. Me and Bob were in stitches.
Of course, my good mood didn't keep up. Monday was school as usual, and to add to the annoyance of boring lessons, Frank found me after drama.
Actually, it was a freaky moment of deja vu - I had walked out of the room talking to Jenny (whom I'd met on my first day here), to find Frank hovering around outside, chatting to Kyle. Which has also happened on my first day in this state.
When he saw me, the younger boy said one last word to the other, and headed towards where I was standing. I turned away immediately and walked as fast as I could away from Frank.
"Gerard! Wait, please!?" He called after me. I ignored him and continued to dodge around other students to try and get away from the boy following me. Unfortunately, he caught me - grabbing my wrist and spinning me round to face him.
Hate and rage welled up inside of me at the sight of the small boy. I wanted to punch him, to claw his eyes out, to kill him. I didn't care as long as my actions hurt Frank as much as he'd hurt me.
"Leave me alone Frank!" I snapped, jerking my wrist out of his grip. "I don't want to talk to you."
"No! Please! Just hear me out Gee." He pleaded. I was shocked to see tears well up in his eyes, but continued backing away, feeling no pity.
I sighed. Perhaps if I just heard him out, he'd leave me alone. I only had three days left here, just talking to Frank couldn't do any harm. It wasn't going to change anything though.
"Come on," I said, walking back down the drama corridor. It was empty now - everyone else had gone outside or to the cafeteria to eat by now - so we didn't need to worry abut people over-hearing.
"What do you want?" I asked coldly. Once I we'd reached the end of the hall, I'd turned round to look at Frank. One thing was for sure - he looked worse than I'd ever seen him. His usually tanned skin was pale and drawn, and there were huge bags under his eyes. His black hair was greasy and tangled, and there was no fire in his eyes. It was the last bit that caused the first small tug of pity I'd felt for Frank since Saturday night - those big brown orbs were usually so full of life. Now, they were just dead. But the tiny bit of sympathy I felt was deep in the pit of my stomach - a small niggle that could easily be ignored. So I did.
"Just hear me out Gerard. Please." Frank said softly, grabbing my hand and holding on to it as though it was his life's support. Revulsion wasched over me and I jerked it back. Tears filled those brown eyes.
"Talk." I said simply, unsure that I could manage anything other than a single syllable sentence.
"I am so, so sorry about what happened." His word were slow and weary, as though it took effort just to get them out. "I feel terrrible, and then feel even 'cos it's nothing on what you feel, and I regret everything. I wish so much that I never did it, and I love you, I really do. I don't deserve you to forgive me - I know that - but please, don't hate me. I don't think I could live with that. I'm so sorry - I'll do anything for you. Anything to make it better. Please, please, please me believe me though, how sorry I am."
I stared at him in shock a for a few seconds after he finished this speech. Weirdly, I did believe him; sorrow and regret was written all over his face. I couldn't forgive him though; I just didn't have it in me. I hated him, and no matter how much he regretted his actions, I still wanted him dead.
"If you'd do anything to make it better," I said quietly, looking steadily at my short, now thougherly depressed ex-boyfriend. "Then leave me alone. I don't want to see your face ever again Frank."
He opened his mouth, going protested, but then closed it again. With a sad nod, he turned away and began to walk down the corridor, gaze fixed on his shoes. I still didn't feel anything other than anger towards him - he deserved this pain, and anything else life threw at him.
Then something occured to me. "Frank?" I called after him. He froze on the spot, and turned back around slowly, looking like a puppy ready to be hit.
I braced myself for whatever heartbreaking words Gerard was going to throw at me. I didn't want to hear them, but knew I deserved them. That just made it even worse.
He was standing where I'd left him, a thoughtful look on his face. I bit my lip, and couldn't supress the tiny bubble of hope I felt - this was better than the harsh impassiveness I'd seen from him so far. After what seemed like an age, the corner of his mouth quirked up in a small smile.
"I don't wanna fight with you Frank." He said out of the side of his mouth that was smiling. The bubble of hope in me swelled, and I felt better than I had in days. "Let's just, be friends, ok? I forgive you." The words were said with some strain, but I ignored that. Warmth flowed through me, and I felt incredibly light. I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and brushed them away hurridly.
"Thank-you." My voice was slightly croaky, but I cared about this just as much as I did for the strain in Gerard's apology. I wiped at my eyes again, and let a full fledged smile break across my lips. It was mirrored by the other boy's and I wanted to run at him and hug him. Under any other circumstances, I probably would have - but what with everything, it would probably do more harm than good.
Instead, I extended my hand towards Gerard, which he took. My smile spread even further, and it was all I could do not to break down into tears of joy.
This is kinda random, kinda not, but does anyone else find that when they try and type 'France' it automatically comes out 'Frank'? It's really/ annoying, especially when you hand in homework saying 'these defences were built in order to protect the south of England from Frank'. My history teacher found it funny though. And thought Frank was my boyfriend. Actually, I think I asked you that before, but meh - the history thing amused me so I thought I'd share it with you.
And I said 'meh' again! Grrrrrr
Now, I have to leave you all to face that mountain also know as homework!
Oh and I was reading a story the other day, but my laptop spontaneously shit down and I lost the sight. I was using the Incognito mode on Google, so I don't have it in my search history, and I really wanna read the end of it! I can't remember what it was called, but basically, some dude adopts Gerard and Mikey. The author's name was something like Cowboys Are Often Secretly Fond Of Eachother. I dunno. But someone posted a link for it on here a few days ago and it was on an external site. If you can help ppllllleeeeeaaase do - it's gonna drive me insane if I can't find it!
And I found a pair of converse with the Revenge logo on them. I am so getting those shoes.
[/And happy pancake day!