The walls are all white and padded. 'I'm a danger to myself'. They think I'm the one who made Blake cut himself again, no. He never stopped! Don't these people get it? How can they be scientists and doctors and psychiatrists and councellors when they've never been through any of this? How do they know what they're doing?
That's the problem.
It's the middle of winter and I'm in London. The clothes they gave me are shorts and a tank top, but I'm not cold, I'm tired and sick and I want to cut so bad.
I'm lying on the white tiled floor (even though theres a perfectly comfortable white bed) hugging my knees tightly, my left hand's nails are digging into my right wrist and I can feel someone looking at me but I must be delusional because I've felt it all day.
I'm scared and lonely and tired and I'm sick of it all.
I shut my eyes but I can't sleep, my mouth fills with blood as I bite my tongue and bottom lip hard and my heart is racing at the taste, at the feel.
I take a deep breath and open my eyes, there's a man in a white coat standing in front of me, I keep staring at his shoes (that are eye level with me) and I'm hardly listening to what he's saying but what caught my attention was 'visitors'. The only visitor I had was Frank, I'm wondering who would've come now.
"Steph?" I'm shaking again, it's Gerard and Lindsey and Frank and Jamia and Mikey and Alicia, but Blake's the voice I heard and no, I'm not delusional because he's standing there; between Frank and Mikey, he's right there.
I still can't bring myself to look up, someone's strong arms lift me up and carry me across the room and drop me onto the bed and then Blake's sitting with me, his arms curled around me.
I notice that his body is warm as I skate my fingertips over his wrists and arms, the bumps of the cuts tingle but there's no fresh ones. The latest would've been from that day in my bedroom.
I frown and he notices, he leans his head toward me so it looks like he's kissing my head and whispers "They confiscated everything sharp", I look up into he's eyes and there's a certain thing that tells me he's not lying.
"W-Why a-am I here?" I ask blurry eyed and feeling weak, he holds me tighter and it feels good to know this is real, it feels good to know he's really here.
"Because you met me"
I look up at him and he's in tears too, I shake my head "No, n-never" I whisper. If anything- he's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I miss Joey and Ash and I feel sick again, everyone's staring at me and I look away.
I take a deep breath softly and I quivered on the breath out, he holds me tighter and even though his body heat should be keeping me warm its now that I feel the cold.
I look around and my eyes are blurry but I'm not crying, the last thing I see is a blur of Gerard's blonde hair and Blake's cuts.
I wasn't out long but when I came back to consciousness it was because Blake was shaking me softly and patting my face with an ice cube.
I'm not in the white room anymore, I'm in the backseat of someone's car. I'm wrapped in a blanket but I'm still cold- the ice probably has something to do with that though.
Blake drops the ice and picks something else up, he holds out his free hand hand (the one that's not around me) and I stare at it. His palm is full of various pills and medications, I sigh and put them in my mouth all at once, chewing them for a long time before swallowing.
He hugs me tightly and kisses my cheek, "I missed you SO much" he says and kisses me again.
I really don't want to get messed up with guys again because first it was Joey, then Criss and now Blake. I really don't want to feel the way I do about him but I can't help it, we can't choose who we fall for.