Its two am and Blake just handed me a red bull and a plate of spaghetti without the meat (so it was just noodles and sauce). I downed the red bull quickly and I stared at the food for a couple minutes before I sighed, I noticed how little he put me compared to how much was on his plate- he knew.
I swallowed hard unintentionally and he looked up, "You don't have to eat it..." he says, "I-I know" I say.
I finish the food and he's already waiting for me, he takes the plates and empty cans to the kitchen and comes back a little while later.
We stayed up watching scary movies and drinking various energy drinks.
I wondered why Blake didn't want to go to sleep but he sort of answered my mental question; "I love horror movies. They keep me up at night wondering, sometimes they scare the shit out of me and I'm paranoid but they occupy my mind and keep me away from the suicidal thoughts"
I lick my bottom lip and rest my head on his chest, the reason I wanted to stay up with him was because if I shut my eyes I'd have to face the monsters in my head.
The demons inside the dark, it's hell in my eyes- yeah, I'm definitely afraid of the dark.
I hold onto him tighter and it feels like I'm falling again, I dig my nails into the sofa and I take a deep breath.
"What's wrong?" he asks
"I f-feel like I'm f-f-falling"
He tightens his grip around me and looks down into my eyes,
"It's real. This is real"
I nod slowly and we sit there for a few more hours watching movies and drinking way too much red bull (that can't be good for our hearts right?) but at six am I sit up properly, I stand up slowly and creep out while Jinx and Blake sleep dreaming.
I shut the door behind me and run down the big staircase and out the main doors of the lobby, im running through London in the snow at six am because I'm intelligent.
I'm not sure how to get back to 'his' place but I'm not sure if that's where I want to go.
By the time I reach a familiar place its eight am and I'm in Pencey Prep forest.
I sit down on a tree stump collecting my thoughts and trying to breathe right when a pair of black shoes appears in front of me.
I look up to see another familiar face,
"What happened Steph?" Criss asks me,
"I-I made a-a mi-mistake" I whisper.
"Where have you been for so long?"
"Steph! Not again?"
I nod slowly. That's why I left last time, I didn't want to be put back in another clinic but I've gone and done exactly that. I'm so very fucked up and I desperately need help but I can't explain why I love the pain that cutting gives me or why I breathe in toxins from cigarettes for fun or why I want to die.
I don't like explaining myself, remember?