All I could think about was Brendon.
“No, there's no point.” The words were so quiet. It felt as if I hadn’t even spoken. Since calling Brendon’s phone I felt like a wreck. I knew he would be fine without me. I was the one that told him we couldn’t talk anymore. So why did it bother me so much that he was with some girl? It wasn’t as if we were ever exclusive... or whatever the opposite of that was. We were just voices, helping each other along.
“Some mascara?” Amy tried, already done making herself look pretty. She looked absolutely wonderful. The outfit she was wearing was... spectacular. The make up she applied made her look like a model. Everything about her was perfect.
I was wearing sweats and a tank top, though my hoodie would be on through out the concert. I hadn’t applied make up. I didn’t even want to put an effort in to my appearance. What would it matter? It wasn’t like I was trying to attract attention, quite the opposite actually. I just wanted to blend in. Maybe if I blended enough I would completely disappear.
“You showered, right?” Amy sniffed me. “Well, you smell good.”
“Thank you and yes, I am still regularly showering.” I wrinkled my nose. “I even wore deodorant. Why exactly are you doubting my personal hygiene?”
“I’m not sure how hard this whole Brendon thing hit you.” Amy said. “You’ve been pretty broken up.”
“I have not.”
“You haven’t even been working. You always work, especially when you’re upset. This is like... a whole new level of upset.”
“I just haven’t felt like being around people.” I still didn’t feel like it.
“Come on!” Amy attempted to throw some pep in to my step. It didn’t work. “We are going to have so much fun tonight!”
“If you insist.”
“I do!” Amy’s face lit up and I knew she had some terrible idea in mind. “Please let me dress you up.” She pouted, attempting to get me to give in. “We could potentially meet some awesome guys and you could forget all about Brendon and his skank.”
“Brendon and I were never actually dating so she’s not a skank. I mean, I don’t think she is. I don’t really know who she is so I can’t make that call. I’m not really interested in meeting anyone and... Isn’t it my birthday outing? Shouldn’t I be the one deciding what I don’t have to do? You know, like meet guys... Yeah, I don’t want to do that.” I wasn’t entirely sure that anything coming out of my mouth made any sense but I was hoping Amy would let it go.
“Please?” I didn’t feel like begging.
“Classy, not trashy.” I said, giving in.
Usually I would put up more of a fight but tonight it just wasn’t worth it. Plus, why not let Amy have a little fun? I was rarely any fun. Come to think of it... I was probably the worst friend in the world.
God, tonight would be a great hate-on-yourself type of night for me.
“I look like a whore.”
“Stop being so negative.” Amy scolded, glancing at me. “You look hot.”
“It’s probably going to be cold outside.” I complained.
“It’s time to go!” Amy replied, ignoring me completely.
I couldn’t help but glance in the mirror one last time. It wasn’t anything I would put on myself but that was because of my confidence issues but... Did I really look hot? I couldn’t help but wonder if it was the sort of thing that Brendon would like.
“You look hot.” Amy said once again. “Just believe me.”
Amy grinned, “Don’t worry about it. I love pressuring you. You’re cute when you fight the process.” She joked.
“Brendon?” Ryan sat directly in front of me. “You have to come back to life man.”
“Yeah.” Jon added, from across the room.
“I’ll be fine.”
“You keep saying that but you don’t look fine and you aren’t acting like you’re fine.” Ryan said, sounding concerned.
“We should have cancelled.” Spencer said, frowning. “If you aren’t up to it then-“
I cut him off, “I’m up to it. Things will be fine just... just fucking back off.” I snapped, standing up. The chair I’d been sitting on fell over, making a huge clattering sound.
“Don’t be an asshole Brendon.” Ryan warned, “There’s no reason for that.”
“We just want you to be okay.” Spencer added. “We’re just worried.”
I ran my fingers through my hair, realizing that I needed to calm down. I shouldn’t be exploding on my band mates. They were my best friends. They didn’t deserve that. “I’m sorry.” I bent over, straightening the chair. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“We know what’s wrong.” Ryan responded. “We just aren’t sure how to fix it.”
“Nothing needs fixed. Tonight just needs to be over.” I grumpily replied. “I’m going to go warm up.”
As I left the room I couldn’t help but hear their confused whispers as they tried to think of ways to fix me. In that moment I wished to be Deaf. I didn’t want to hear other people talk about me. I didn’t want their words to be correct. I was lonely and I did need Hayley. I knew that. Didn’t they get that I knew that? If I could have the girl then I would. What they didn’t realize was I’d tried. I told them again and again yet it still wouldn’t sink in.
I shouldn’t have ever told them anything.
Amy and I pushed our way through the crowd. We finally managed to find ourselves a decent spot to stand as we waited for the band to come out. The crowd was already overjoyed and I suddenly didn’t feel so over dressed, but instead under dressed.
There was noise up front and suddenly the crowd starting screaming. I worried for a moment that I would never regain hearing in my right ear after a guy literally screamed as loudly as he could, directly in to it.
When the frighteningly attractive lead singer spoke in to the microphone my heart dropped, making me fear for my health. This feeling... couldn’t be healthy.
I was losing my mind.
He sounded just like Brendon.
I listened as he spoke to the overexcited crowd. I had to be going crazy. I missed Brendon. I was just imagining him everywhere. Keep it together.
Amy took one look at my shocked face and leaned over, getting as close as humanly possible. “What’s wrong?” She nearly shouted. On the upside I could still hear out of my right ear. On the downside she yelled really, really loud. Louder than necessary.
I just shook my head.
Amy hesitantly looked away as the band played their first song. I was a fan of the band but I just couldn’t pay attention because when he sang... he sang like Brendon.
He was everywhere in my head...
Why couldn’t I just get over him?
Suddenly my throat felt dry and I couldn’t breath. I needed something to drink. I needed to get away, even if it was only a few steps away. “I’m going to grab a drink.” I shouted at Amy.
I didn’t waste another second as I slipped through the crowd.
I bought a water bottle and hugged it to my body, feeling the need to escape. I couldn’t just leave Amy like that though. I couldn’t but I wanted to.
It took a little longer to get back to where I’d been. I had my ass grabbed a few times, much to my dismay. I wasn’t having any luck tuning the lead singer out.
All I could think about was Brendon.
I left my phone in my truck though.
Why’d I do that?
No, that was a smart idea.
The last thing I needed to do was call Brendon in a place where he wouldn’t be able to hear me. All I needed to do was foolishly inform him that I couldn’t get him off of my mind and it was starting to have an effect on my psychological well being.
(So this is what I imagine Hayley wearing: http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e59/Ziggybob3/Avril_Lavigne_sexy_children_photo.jpg
It’s a picture of Avril Lavigne. This was pretty much a boring chapter to bring me where I need to be. The next chapter shall hopefully be longer and filled with interesting-ness. God, I hope so anyway. I’d hate to just bore you again.)