Ryan’s mouth fell open, his attention snapping to me.
The cold night air blew in through my open window, as I glanced out at the dark city. Where was Ryan? I hadn’t seen his car anywhere and I’d checked all of his usual hangouts. Was there a party tonight? I couldn’t remember hearing anything, plus it was a Monday night so it would be unusual. Well, not really.
Where was he?
It had been hours, and no sign. He wasn’t answering his cell phone and I didn’t know what to do. I was panicking, my string of hope coming undone.
The shrill sound of my cell phone cut through the air and I winced, forgetting how badly the ringtone hurt to listen to. I turned it on because it was the loudest, most annoying ringtone I had and I didn’t want to miss a call from Ryan- if he called me.
“Ryan?” His name flew from my lips. I didn’t even check the caller ID. I needed it to be him.
“No, but he’s here.” It was Lily. She was giggling.
“Party at Ray’s.” Lily said, slurring her words a little. “Ryan is drunk, and about to have sex in the living room with some girl- I don’t even know her name.” Oh fuck.
No, no, no!
“Distract him! I’ll be there in ten minutes!” I made a sharp turn, thankful that no one else was on the road. Ray… Ray… Oh right, he lived near Target.
I quickly drove, disregarding the speed limit completely. It was a miracle that I wasn’t pulled over by a cop, or that I didn’t crash and die.
Not soon enough I was pulling my car to the side of the road, about a block from Ray’s. The place was packed. Fucking wonderful. Didn’t everyone get that it was Monday night, and all of my sanity depended on tonight going well?
Ryan, please be fully clothed.
I heard the music before I saw Ray’s house and teenagers staggered all around me, too drunk to realize they’d left the party. The cops would be here soon. The party was out of control. It was a wonder that they hadn’t already arrived.
The smell of alcohol and puke came in waves, utterly disgusting me. I couldn’t see Ryan or Lily anywhere though, and neither was in the living room, where I finally pushed my way in to after about five minutes- or what felt like five minutes.
Where were they?
I moved forward as someone pushed past me and then I was being directed towards the kitchen, the only safe place out of the flow of constant traffic. Where had all these people come from? Ray’s parties were ridiculous.
The kitchen door flew open easily enough, the gasp pulled painfully from my lips almost as soon as I saw the couple in the kitchen, lips attached.
Lily was leaning against the counter; Ryan’s hands were everywhere… touching her… just like he’d touched me, but more so.
Oh, hello heartbreak.
They didn’t stop making out and I couldn’t look away, even though I wanted to.
Nice to meet you.
Ryan’s fingers were pulling at the top button on Lily’s jeans. She was breathing heavily, placing her hands on him- anywhere she could gain access too.
Oh, you’ll be staying for a while? Make yourself at home.
“So sexy.” I froze as the words fell from Ryan’s mouth, so unpleasantly nerve wracking.
My heart? No, no. You go ahead and throw a wrecking ball through it to make space.
Finally I couldn’t take anymore. “HELLO!” I spoke loudly, and clearly. I was surprised at how little emotion came through, with how fucking crappy I was feeling.
Though I wanted to run out of the room, go home, and hide under my bed… I didn’t. I had to speak up. Things were moving too far and I wasn’t going to just walk away while my brother and best friend drunkenly had sex. I couldn’t let either of them make that mistake. I was more mature than that, right?
Maturity; what’s that again?
Ryan’s mouth fell open, his attention snapping to me. “Kassidy…” He whispered my name, saying it as if he didn’t believe it was actually me.
I wanted to say something.
Lily had started to cry, “I’m sorry Kass-“
I didn’t want to hear it.
I couldn’t hear it.
I couldn’t do it.
I turned and I rushed out the door, running directly in to a group of dancing teenagers. I didn’t recognize them. Then again I couldn’t, not through the tears which were blurring my vision.
Oh I’m crying. That’s wonderful.
“Kassidy, stop damn it!” Ryan grabbed on to my wrist, pulling me backwards.
I stumbled and fell, knocking him to the ground with me.
He was clumsy and smelled horribly of alcohol. He’d been here drinking the whole time. I’d been out worried about him and he’d been here, trying to fuck anything that moved.
Closing my eyes didn’t help diffuse the growing anger and I had to settle for silence, knowing I couldn’t say what I wanted to say- not in front of so many classmates.
“You smell so good.” Ryan mumbled, and before I could stop him his lips were pressed against mine.
I heard something drop in the background, accentuated with a very loud, “Holy fucking shit. That’s his sister.”
I pushed against Ryan’s chest, finding myself trapped beneath him. Oh, this was bad. There were too many people around us for this to happen but his lips- my lips itched for them. “I want you so bad.” Ryan mumbled, pulling his lips from mine just so that he could lay soft kisses along my neck. I froze as I felt him shift, brushing his hips against mine.
Forgive me Ryan.
With a deep shaky breath I pulled my arm back, made a fist and punched him hard, right across the face. I heard his loud gasp as my fist made contact, and pain shot through each finger on my hand.
“Kassidy, you okay?” I looked up to see a friend from school standing above Ryan and myself. He was trying to hide his grin, a blanket of concern lying upon the amusement.
“Uh, yeah. Could you help me up Luke?”
Luke gave a small nod and reached down, shoving a confusedly drunk Ryan off of me. Seconds later I was being pulled to my feet. “Two more small, kind of big favors?”
“Sure.” Luke grinned.
My head fucking hurt, and my throat was dry. What the hell happened? As I swung my legs off of my bed a sudden wave of nausea hit me, due to the taste of alcohol still in my mouth. Just how much had I consumed the night before?
The door to my bedroom opened but Kassidy stopped in her tracks, a tragic look coming across her face. “You’re awake.” She was holding a glass of water, and a bottle of Advil. That’s something I would do for her because I was supposed to take care of her, not the other way around. How had I been so stupid?
My momentary confusion was gone and now I remembered the embarrassing situation I’d put us both in the night before. “I am.”
Kassidy jumped, as if startled. Once she snapped out of whatever trance she was in she handed me the water, which I gratefully took. I declined the Advil though. “I want to feel this headache.” I muttered darkly, “I deserve far worse.”
“Why?” Kassidy asked, sounding frustrated. “Because you were brave enough to tell me how you feel? You shouldn’t feel like shit because of that. I should feel like shit.”
“Why, because you feel like a normal sister would?” I shot back.
“I don’t.” Kassidy whispered, stunning me in to silence. “I feel…” She licked her lips. “You know I love you Ryan. What you don’t know is that I love you in a way that I shouldn’t, kind of like how you described the other night but I was too afraid to speak up when you gave me the chance. I’m afraid of feeling like this, because I’m not as brave or as strong as you are.”
“You feel the same?” I whispered the words, afraid that I was dreaming. How could we both feel the same?
“I do.” Kassidy looked away, blushing. “I’ve felt like this for a while but I- I know it’s wrong but I can’t not like you… I can’t not feel this way Ryan.”
“I know.” I stepped closer, taking the bottle of pain pills from her. I tossed them on to my dresser as I took both of her hands in my own, rougher hands. They were callused from playing the guitar, and hers were soft. So soft. “It’s okay.” I pulled her towards me for a hug, and she fell so easily in to my embrace.
How could something that feels so right be so wrong?
I felt Kassidy’s warm tears against my chest, making me hug her harder. “Please don’t cry, not because of this.”
“Why can’t it be easy Ryan?” I’d let her hands fall free and now they went around my neck, her nails digging in to my skin. “I wish our parents had never adopted me.”
“No.” Then I’d never know her, and these feelings were worth having. Despite how wrong they were… They felt so fucking right. It felt so right to have her against me like this. “We’re not going to play that game.” I whispered in to her ear. “We are just going to go with what we have, and make do.”
“But I want you.” Kassidy whispered back, “I want to be with you.”
I want to be with you.
I’d dreamt of those words coming from Kassidy’s mouth.
I never wanted to make her cry though, and I never wanted her to be sad about it. It was supposed to be good. If only the world didn’t make it so bad. We weren’t evil people. We didn’t lack morals. We were decent people. We didn’t kill, and we didn’t beat each other. We just wanted love, and we’d found it in what the world deemed the wrong place. It was good love though, and it belonged to us.
Against my better judgment, and though I knew nothing good could come from it I fell in to her desires, since mine were the same. “Then be with me.”
“Like this.” I pulled away from her, just so that I could connect our lips. The love was there, the passion pushing us further. It felt so right. My hand brushed through her hair as my kisses became harder, my tongue begging for entry. We both wanted this.
I heard a creak in the distance, though I couldn’t tell how far away it was. Was someone else home? Our parents were still gone on their business trip, so who would it be? Lily? I didn’t care. I wanted this. I’d wanted this for so long.
“Ryan?” The deep voice caught me off guard, and I pulled away.
Kassidy stepped in front of me protectively, “Dad?” She whispered, horrified.
He didn’t look happy.