(#) Mynameisnotimportant 2012-09-13Check over your story. Editing is important. Your spelling needs some work, honey.
Grammar and Syntax is also a bit of an issue here. It should be 'The Most Evil' because 'Evilest' isn't a word.
Your character...is sort...of...a Mary Sue. There is literally no way to go about this delicately. Situations don't flaw a person, it's how a person reacts that makes them flawed. Her dad was murdered in front of her? AND SHE COMES AWAY WITH NO MENTAL ILLNESSES?
No! This will not do!
Coping mechanisms, OCD, PTSD, Dissociative Identity disorder, something! The lack of trust is a good start. You could work around that.
Why is she in Slytherin? Don't let the answer to that be, "Because it's awesome." Personal drive? Sociopathy (tricky to write, but fun!)? Does she want adoration?
Green combat boots? Stick to the dress code!
These are just suggestions. Change it, don't change it, whatever. Do as you please.
- exaple should be example.
Evilest should be most evil
I catch a concerned encounter with Hugo's hazel golden brown eyes hovering above me.
What the hell is a concerned encounter?
He happens to be rattling my shoulders, begging me to expose that I'm truly awake.
This should be something like 'He was shaking my shoulders and yelling at me to wake up' or something similar
And that's in the first paragraph. Your entire fic reads like this. As notimportant mentioned, syntax and grammar are very important, especially when you have the lot of grammar nazis running around on this archive like we do.
If you're serious about being a writer, take the time and make the effort to at least have a fic that's good from a technical standpoint.
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