Chapter 14: ...Your Eyes Vacant & Stained...
“So where'd you go?” Gerard asked, standing up and switching off the light. Suddenly it felt like an interrogation. I swallowed hard and he walked over to me,
“Out and about...” I lied as he tilted my head up to his and kissed my lips softly. He pulled away a few seconds later and went into the bathroom, I ran a hand through my hair and sighed, at least it was dark now...
M-Maybe he wouldn't notice? It now seemed like a really bad idea to get it done but...It was permanent. Literally.
Gerard came back into the bedroom at least twenty minutes late and raised his hands, “clean now. Not covered in pencil shavings...” Forever the artist. I nodded slowly and he came over and sat down luckily on the other side of me, the tattoo was on the other side. “Are you alright? You seem...Strange.”
“Just cold.” I lied through gritted teeth, oh God Frank. Come on! Wake up! He would know that you're lying now you idiot! Gerard's not stupid! Who do you think you're kidding?
“Frank...I-is it because of what I did to you?” He asked, frowning deeply. “I r-really am truly sorry about that...” His speech was a little....Off....Wasn't it? He was talking like he didn't even know what he was saying anymore. I took a deep breath and stared into his eyes deeply.
“It's fine, Gee. Really...” I said to him as calmly as I could. He sighed and took my hands in his, kissing them softly.
“Does it hurt?” Gerard leaned around to see it but I turned the other way so he couldn't see it at all. I couldn't let him see what I had done...”Frank! What's the matter?” He snapped, beginning to get frustrated. I shrieked loudly before I wrapped my arms tightly around him as I held him as close to me as possible, shaking uncontrollably, terrified how angry he would be.
“Frank w-what is i-?” He was about to continue when he must've seen it then. He gripped my hair and pulled it to the side harshly, I whimpered and he stared at it with sadness in his eyes. Tears started to form in them and he let me go completely. “F-Frank...Why..?” A few tears ran down his face and even in this dim light I could see that his bottom lip was quivering.
“Gerard, please...I...I got it for you.” I leaned towards him and as I did so, he shuffled backwards and fell off the bed, hitting his head on the cabinet much harder than I had expected. He groaned and stood shakily, his hands shaking insanely as he did so. He shook his head quickly and struggled to focus on me properly.
“How can you say that, F-Frank? It's not a good thing! N-now you can never get a job o-or do anything that you want to do in life!” He exclaimed, flailing his hands around like a mad-man. I stood and raised a hand to him like he was an animal that had just been let out of its cage.
“Because it represents you! Every time I look at it I'll think of you and I don't ever want to lose a memory of you, Gee! Please, don't be mad! I did this for you! The only thing I want in life is you and no one else!” I shouted back at him as the tears started flooding down my cheeks. Gerard took a few steps backwards and he sank down to the floor against the wall, balling his hands into fists. It almost looked like he had given up completely.
“Why? Why would you want me?” I crouched down in front of him. Noticing small things now that made him look different. He was paler than normal; if that was possible. His lips were dryer and he was rarely blinking.
“Gerard...You're everything I need...What's wrong with you?” I asked, whimpering a little as I placed hand to the side of his face. He was burning up, everything inside of him was on fire it seemed. What had he done?
“Gerard, what happened while I was out?” When I got no answer I stood and started to search the room, “Gerard what the fuck happened, tell me!” When I got no answers from my findings I went into the bathroom searching through the cabinets. Wasn't there...No. Wait...There was a few bottles of liquor in here before...A-Around seven bottles...And more...I was sure of it.
I stormed back into the bedroom towards him before pinning his shoulders against the wall, “what did you do!?” I screamed, Gerard struggled to even see my face now and I shook him trying to get his attention. I grabbed Gerard's phone from his pocket and dialled Mikey's number, ordering him to get here right now, telling him that it was an emergency before hanging up and trying to get Gerard to focus.
“Look at me, Gee! Look at me!” His eyes closed for a few seconds and he went completely limp in my hands. I shrieked, “Gerard!” I snapped at him, kissing him on the lips like they did in the movies. But this wasn't a movie. This was a sick man laying in my arms. Why had he even done what he had? Maybe...Maybe something told him to. Didn't he mention something about voices?
I kissed him again, running my tongue along his lips I sighed and pulled away. Definitely been drinking. And not the cheap stuff either.
Gerard's eyes flared open quickly for no reason,“F-Frank, n-no! D-don't!” He screamed out. I took his hands in mine.
“You're going to be fine, Gee...Please, just breathe...Please...” I pleaded with everything I had. Why would alcohol make him like this though? He was probably almost passing out because of it...Yes. But then what about the drowsiness...The fact that he had no self control..An overdose? Why would he do that? He had mentioned to me before about...Voices. But...
“F-Frank...I-I'm sorry...It all only j-just sunk i-i-in..It had no effect so I just had more nad more...” Gerard muttered, I held him tightly in my arms and ran a hand over his hair.
“Shh, shh...” He was obviously done some damage and it was messing with his head more than anything. This may not be affecting him physically but inside; he was probably convinced that he was suffocating in there. Around ten minutes passed and the door was shoved open, Mikey came running in and Gerard instantly clung onto me for death life.
When Mikey came over for him he tried to fight him away, physically punching him – quite hard. But Gerard had this strange look in his eyes. This wasn't him...It couldn't be. Ray entered and they both manage to get him pinned down on the floor. He needed me. Not them! They couldn't stop his mind from destroying himself.
“What happened, Frank?” Ray shouted at me as he stared into Gerard's terrified eyes.
“I-I don't know! He just changed all of a sudden a-and...” Mikey had to do a double take on me and he narrowed his eyes.
“It's all your fault isn't it. It's all your fault!! You did this to him!!” Mikey shouted at me, letting Gerard go. Ray stepped in between us and I took a few steps backwards, stumbling into Gerard. They had obviously not forgotten about earlier at their dorm. I swallowed hard,
“Believe me, Mikes; I want the best for him just as much as you! I haven't done anything to him!” I shouted back at him just as angry. Ray pushed Mikey backwards a little as he came closer to him, being the middle man completely. Gerard took my hand tightly in his and for once he wasn't talking or...Shaking. He was just Gerard again. I stared up at him and he forced a smile out at me.
“Quit fighting you two.” Gerard said to both of us as calmly as he could, controlling everything completely once more. “Mikes, Frank has done nothing to me. I've been suffering from whatever this is ever since I moved here. I draw to keep it out of my head but it just didn't work and I let 'them' in.” Mikey groaned and rolled his eyes.
“Oh, come on, Gerard! Save me the lies! Ever since Frank's got here you've been acting completely different!” He shouted.
“What actually leaving the dorm room and going to school for other than art? That's such a crime now is it, Mikey?” Gerard sighed and pointed to the door. “Get out.” When Mikey made no move Gerard continued. “I said get out, Michael.” Woah, shit! When did he ever say Mikey's real name!?
Mikey stormed out of the room, muttering nonsense to himself and I turned to Gerard. “What the hell are you playing at, Gerard?”
Ray sighed and decided to stay, “Gerard...What's going on?” Ray asked, crossing his arms, determined to get an answer before he leaves. Gerard fell forwards and I couldn't catch him so I just screamed high pitched. Luckily Ray caught him and carried him over to the bed. I ran a hand through my hair and Gerard opened his eyes slowly, searching for me. “F-Frank..?” Gerard asked quietly.
“I'll let him sleep it off, Ray. Tell Mikey...Tell Mikey that we love him.” I explained quietly.
“Frank...Mikey was drinking as well. Most nights. I guess that they both have the same qualities.” Ray explained as he gave me a small hug before leaving the room, closing the door quietly. I walked over to Gerard and ran a hand over his hair.
“Gerard...What are we gonna do..?” I asked him rhetorically. Not expecting him to answer, not entirely directing it at him. But to anyone. What was going on with him? Was he an alcoholic? Like Mikey was becoming? He smoked too, probably to sublimate the cravings.
Gerard opened his eyes slowly and I ran the back of my hand across his cheek, pressing my lips lightly to his, trying to calm him down like I had before. The next thing that he said I wasn't even sure if he said it, it all kind of rolled into one word.
“I...L-love you...” Was the last thing he said before he passed out on the bed. I sat up and held him in my arms, running my hands through his hair for the whole night contemplating everything, with tears constantly streaming down my face all the while.