A tale of hamsters. I wrote this for a scholarship app for Tulane. Got $20,000 for it, which would have covered all of one semester there.
- __Awfully cute, and perfectly polished. No wonder it won a scholarship! It makes you think a bit. I like that the experience doesn't change Biter or Climber...and also that it doesn't really change Finder, except to give her a new name and sense of accomplishment. She also "changed the world."
__However, when you think about it, she didn't REALLY change the world, because all 3 hamsters still live the same way in the new world. None of them have really broadened their interests.
__Even the "scientist" is focused only on getting out...not on thinking about what the world is, what "Outer Space" is, or what "the Inescapable Force" is. She wants to solve problems, and she pursues the solution effectively. She concludes that Biter and Climber are trying to escape by misguided strategies, but she doesn't question if escape is enough of a goal.
__By the end of the story, I liked all 3 hamsters for having goals...but the story also made me realize that goals are not enough. Hamsters need to have an understanding of their world and themselves. Science generates information, but it doesn't examine the "rodent condition." We need a Philosopher Hamster! LOL, very cute- I liked it a lot.
- Why thank you. I try to make sure my brain pleases the senses... It's so nice to be appreciated.
How delightful! Have you ever read "I, Choo-Choo Bear"?
It's not quite clear what the Difference is supposed to be, nor whether Shredder and Finder are the same, nor what Inescapable Force is.
(#) Still_Anonymous 2008-01-03 09:08:01 PMI find most original fiction to be both boring and unimaginative, but this was neither. It was very amusing and held my attention until the end.
I did have a little trouble understanding exactly what was going on when Shredder encountered the difference. It was a little too much in the rodent world for me to easily visualize.
I also noticed that you started a large proportion of sentences with the word "she." This can be a quite unwieldy when read aloud and is not normally considered good prose. On the other hand, I have seen best-selling authors do this, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. :)
Anyway, I really did enjoy the story. You have renewed my hope that I might, occasionally, keep from clicking away completely disgusted when I'm in the original fiction section.
- This is very good. Spotted just a few typos here and there, but nothing major. I don't think you need to elaborate on the descriptions for the Difference and other stuff Ithilwen pointed out. For me, it adds to the point of view of the hamsters that these things were very much vague, but Important.
(#) laurabryannan 2008-02-19 10:51:09 AMCharming! I love how Shredder grew, and was conscious of how she grew enough to re-name herself. The others stayed true to the great unwashed masses. Very archetypal in its explorations of human psyche.
As others have noted, there are a few typos--herd instead of heard, for example--but not enough to take away from the imaginative storytelling. Great job!