I wave good night to Jamia and Frank then head into the guest room, this will be my first night sleeping alone, every other night Frank has slept with me but he obviously has to spend the night with his wife. I fall onto the bed letting out a big sigh, what has happened to my life? I used to be happy and now it hurts to fake a smile, everyday it I’m hurt and it’s exhausting I hate living this way, this way that takes out every little piece of energy I have. The last time I felt this way, was a very long time ago that was tainted with drugs and alcohol and it was easy to fix the problem remove the drugs and alcohol, yes the actual action was hard but I knew it would pay off, but now, now I have no clue how to fix this, how to move on, I don’t know how to be a good father.
How can I be a good father and have a happy child when I myself am not happy. All I feel is pain, my wife is dead, every time I look at my daughter I see her, I don’t know how to raise her, I can’t be with the person I love, I’m living in the same house as the person it hurts to look at, and it all hurts too much. I want a drink, I want a cigarette, I don’t want to be here, I want to die, it would be so simple if I died, but I can’t because I have a daughter and she is the most precious thing in the world and I can’t put her through the pain of losing two parents, I have to suffer through life because she will someday enjoy life.
The thing that annoys me most is I should be over Frank but I’m not I shouldn’t feel this way about him. I wont shy away from him because he’s the only thing that makes me feel better about the accident, but it hurts to see him, to be that close to him again, it hurts. That dream I had, killed me it was like I was reliving everything that happened, it made me remember how much I love him, how happy he made me, and how much it hurt to lose him. Over the last few days he would hold me in his arms and it felt like home, it felt like I belonged there, but I don’t he belongs with Jamia I can’t tear their family apart just because mine was ripped apart.
Now I lie here staring up at the white ceiling feeling so empty it hurts, the bed is empty, I’m alone, I will always be alone, Lynz’s gone, Frank has Jamia and I don’t think I could ever find someone else, so I’m alone, I need to get used to sleeping alone. I feel a tear drift down from my eyes then it fades to blackness.
Then the next thing I know I’m in a meadow it’s beautiful and there are flowers every where, then I hear a scream it’s a women my head snaps up and I see fire, it’s all around me closing in on me, and all I hear is screaming and then sobbing then Bandit calling out, “Mommy?”
I look around for someone to help but there’s no one there all I see is fire, I try to scream for help but my voice cracks I can’t breath, then the fire creeps closer and closer, I keep trying to find help then I finally except my doom. I lie down in the meadow that is slowly burning then I feel the flames touch my skin and I scream, I keep screaming, I can smell my flesh burning, all I can see is red, I beg for death, anything would be better than this.
I awake to screaming mixed with sobs, “HELP, PLEASE SOMEONE HELP IT BURNS, oh please god just let me die”
I jump out of bed and see Jamia panicked, I say, “It’s Gerard, check on the kids I’ll go see Gerard”
I sprint to his room and see his eyes shut tight and he moves slightly letting out sobs, I run to him and pull him into my arms saying, “wake up Gerard wake up”
He hazel eyes fling open and he looks up at me then sobs harder, I pull him closer and rock him slowly while saying, “It was just a dream gee that’s all, it’s okay”
He shakes his head and says, “no it’s not okay, I heard her screaming, and then I heard Bandit crying, and I couldn’t help them, there was fire, I couldn’t help them”
“it was a dream”
“but I couldn’t help her, Lynz is gone, and now how am I supposed to be a good father when I’m broken”
“You are and will continue to be a great father it’s going to be okay Gerard”
Then Jamia walks in and asks, “Are you okay Gerard”
He pushes himself out of my arms wipes under his eyes then nods and says, “I’m fine it was just a bad dream that felt really real, I’m okay, go back to bed you guys need your rest”
Why is he lying he’s not okay it’s obvious, “Are you sure your okay Gerard?”
He strains a smile then says, “Go to bed I’m fine” then pushes us out of his room.
“I don’t believe him, he’s anything but okay”
“Earlier today I found him in his room crying, he went on a rant and at some point he told me he wanted a drink, but he said he wouldn’t, this is really hard for him, but he’s strong, he’s not gonna stop fighting, because he has Bandit to fight for. He will get through this, don’t worry, Gerard is strong, he just needs to learn how to live again, he need to learn how to live a life without Lynz and that will be really hard for him, but he will, and when he does he will find himself stand back up and be the amazing father he knows he is.”
I smile at Jamia, she is so optimistic I love her so much, thank god I didn’t lose her.