When Bob is on his last nerve, SpongeBob is there to help! Kind of! And Mikey and Frankie contemplate how to break the news to Gerard about his baking...
The moment Bob screamed "GORILLA!" into his pillowcase... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED. BOY WAS HE PISSED. "I BET IF GERARD SCREAMED GORILLA INTO HIS PILLOWCASE, HIS SO-CALLED FRIENDS WOULD COME TO HIS AID!"
Bob was quite right; because if Gerard screamed "GORILLA!" into his pillowcase, I'm pretty sure his friends would think he was drunk. Again. But I don't know why Bob considered SpongeBob and Bob Dole his friends when they didn't even like him that much.
Suddenly, when Bob had ALMOST lost all hope, HIS PILLOWCASE BEGAN TALKING.
Could this story get any stupider?
"Santa?" Bob asked, wiping away his tears quickly and staring at the face that had appeared in the wrinkles of the pillow.
"Nope," the pillow answered.
"No, dumbass, think of who TOLD you to scream GORILLA into your pillowcase."
"Ohh..." Bob sighed. He had hoped it was Santa. He wanted to yell at him for forgetting him last Christmas just because he was on this tour bus.
Santa had ACTUALLY forgotten him last Christmas because, well, he's BOB.
"Right. So why did you scream GORILLA?" SpongeBob's face asked, even though he already knew because there was a secret camera in Bob's bed.
"Because I want them to die!"
"Then kill them, dumbass!"
"WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME THAT?" Bob cried.
"Then kill them, stupid!"
"YOUR WORDS HURT ME!" Bob sobbed into his pillow until he remembered that SpongeBob's face was his pillow, and so he cried into his blanket, until he remembered that Frankie clipped his toenails on his blanket, and so Bob had nowhere to cry and had to wallow in his own self-misery even more.
"Shut up, fool! You're supposed to be sad, remember?" SpongeBob snapped, and Bob immediately obeyed. "Now, do you want to be noticed again?"
"Yes," Bob answered, though it was a lie because he had never been noticed in the first place.
"Do you want to kill those card-playing fools?"
"Do you want me to help you?"
"Do you want-"
"COULD YOU STOP WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?"
Bob's pillow AKA SpongeBob sighed. "Fine."
In the other room, MAKE UP TIME HAD STARTED! The next show was in about an hour, so Gerard decided to take a nap on the card table, Ray decided to comb his huge hair, and Mikey pulled Frankie aside, which really wasn't ASIDE, it was actually next to the WINDOW, which was next to the CARD TABLE.
"Frankie," he whispered, though Gerard could hear them anyway. "I think it's time we tell Gerard that his banana bread really does taste like crap."
Frankie frowned for a second as Gerard let out a fake snore to make it look like he wasn't eavesdropping. "But he was so happy through our suffering..." Frankie whispered back. "And Gerard's happiness is the most important thing on this bus."
Gerard silently agreed, though Mikey was certain that his rock collection (that he had temporarily hidden in Ray's hair) was actually more important.
"You're right," Mikey lied with a nod. "But if he continues thinking he's a good baker... he might insist on his own Food Network show... and then..."
"...the entire world would have to experience his shit bread."
Gerard was very, VERY hurt by those words! How could they say that when it tasted so good? It was Mikey who made up the recipe in the first place!
"...and that'll be our Christmas presents..." Mikey continued.
"...again," they both sighed.
"Okay... well, since you're brothers, he can't kill you, so I'll tell him," Frankie decided. "After the show, though, so he isn't too upset to sing. And he looks so peaceful right now, asleep like a widdle baby," Frankie reached forward and pet the NOT sleeping Gerard's golden head.
"Who put that water on his face?" Mikey asked.
"Dunno," Frankie replied as he began digging through a pile of Mikey's dirty clothes to look for his make-up. It was stuck in Ray's hair, but neither of them knew that.
That wasn't water on Gerard's cute widdle face! THEY WERE TEARS! It broke his heart to think that his brother and his best friend had been lying about his banana bread all those years! He had actually written a song about his bread! That's right! It was supposed to be 'Bread!,' not 'Dead!' Mikey had made him re-write it last minute, and Gerard had, because he had BOUGHT THE LIE! THE LIE THAT HIS SONG ABOUT HIS BANANA BREAD WAS TOO GOOD TO BE ON THE BLACK PARADE!
So they were going to deride his brother's banana bread recipe, were they? Not if he could help it! Right then and there, Gerard decided he was going to sing 'Bread!' that night at the concert. AND NOBODY COULD STOP HIM WHEN HE WAS DETERMINED!
"Something smells like rotten dishwasher," Frankie wrinkled his not-as-cute-as-Gerard's widdle nose as he held up a pair of Mikey's infamous purple pants.
"I don't know why. I'm just glad this section had nothing to do with Bob," Ray said, because he had ALMOST slipped into Bob's land of being unnoticed until he said that sentence.
"So who are we going to kill first?" Bob asked his pillow like a pillow-talking dumbass.
"Ray," SpongeBob responded.
"Why Ray?" Bob asked. He had been planning to go right for Gerard, just because of the coffee incident... and the banana bread incident... and the shark incident... and the Aunt Mary incident...
"Because he's almost as unpopular as you. I mean, if he was bald, do you think he'd have as many fans?"
A really old looking guillotine popped up on the bed next to Bob with a POOF! "Whoa. Where'd you get this?" Bob asked. He knew it was authentic, because it still had the blood of a thousand dead guys all over it.
"eBay," SpongeBob shrugged. Leaning forward, he told Bob the plan. It was going to be one very interesting concert, and not because of Gerard's banana bread song.
End of chapter three.