so these are starting to get longer. enjoy!
well, to be quite honest, neither did i.
but, we'll see how long that lasts. because nothing lasts forever, right?
after all that happened at my house, frankie and i decided to head over to starbucks, cause i was in need of some caffeine and frank wanted a blueberry muffin.
we entered starbucks, and the first thing that caught my eye was a bubbly punk bright headed blonde attached to the lips of a dark haired boy. oh my god.
i felt something in my stomach drop. but more, i felt angry. i dont know why, and i certainly know i was getting over gerard. but this didnt help any.
but, frank. frank is such a sweetheart. i really care about him. in time, i may even love him. but something about seeing gerard sucking face with amy, was not very comforting.
you still love him! oh thats priceless.
oh no. not you again.
you know why this happened? cause you never told him like i told you to do!
and why, may i ask, should i listen to you?
because i am your all-knowing conscience.
well i think telling him would have made more things awkward.
the worst thing that could have happened was rejection.
youre %100 correct, and most humans dont deal well with rejection.
now shut up!
i was so deep in thought, i hadnt even realized we got our coffee, and frankie's muffin.
"lets find a place to sit-- uhh, outside? yeah its nicer outside." frank suggested.
"frankie, its freezing outside." i pointed out.
"but...but...i like the cold. come on." he grabbed my arm to walk out.
"frank, if this is about avoiding me seeing amy and gerard together, ive already seen them. no big deal. im over it." i lied.
his face fell in defeat.
he agreed, but we did sit on the opposite side of the cafe that they were on.
i actually was having a really good time.
"frankie youre getting muffin like all over me!"
"ohhh sorry princess, ill just spit my muffin chunks over this way!!" he joked, i snorted.
he placed an arm around my waist and kissed my cheek, and i smiled and kissed his nose.
"hey guys!....uhh, whats going on here?" both our heads shot up to meet a very confused gerard.
frank and i both smirked, and i thought of something to say.
frank beat me to it.
"what, best friends cant go to starbucks and eat muffins and..and hold eachother?" he said awkwardly.
that had to be the worst excuse ive ever heard.
"well, ive never seen you two exactly that close." he narrowed his eyes, not liking the situation before him. i was suprised, he looked angry.
"gerard, dont you have to get back to amy or something?" i sighed.
his face twisted in anger.
"what, so i cant talk to my best friends anymore?" he spat. "well thats just fine. i dont need you two. i have amy. have a fucking good night." he replied, venom dripping off of every word.
that hurt. those words he spoke were like knives going right through my heart. i turned to look at frankie, and he looked just as hurt. i didnt mean to make him so angry. i wished i had never brought up amy. now i feel like a major jackass.
"come on hannah, lets go home." frank said softly, and i agreed.
we walked to my place first, and we stopped at my front door.
"do you think he'll never speak to us again?" i asked, while pushing snow in circles with my foot.
"oh come on, dont think that." he gave a half smile and pushed some hair out of my face.
"everythings gonna be alright. ill come over tommorow morning, kay?"
"kay." i kissed him goodnight. he turned his back to me to walk down the sidewalk, but i stopped him. "frank!"
he turned around. "yeah?"
i ran to him and pecked him on the lips once more. "be careful. these jersey streets are dangerous."
he smiled and kissed my forehead. "i knoooow. goodnight."
i laughed and walked inside, slowly shutting the door.
i crept inside and saw Riley passed out on the couch. i quietly tried to make my way up the stairs, but he stirred.
"oh hey, hannah." he spoke. good, good. its okay, hes sober.
riley is actually a pretty great guy when hes sober. but when his lips touch alcohol, everything is completely different. i like the sober riley. i just hoped hed figure out that he did too.
"where were you? i was worried." he looked at me sincerely.
but people, dont get your hopes up. this is a rare occasion, that hes in his right mind. he would be a really great father if he never touched booze again. I then heard banging coming from the kitchen, which meant my mom was home.
i ran into the kitchen and she opened her arms for me to embrace her. i hugged her tightly and she kissed my forehead.
"youre back, mommy." i said softly, and looked up at her.
my mother really works hard. i admire her. when dad left, it was me and her. we were a team. Everything she does is for me, for my well being. i couldnt ask for a better mother. I think she married riley so that we could have more support, so that we could have a better living. she does love him too.
she smiled, "so honey, anything new happen since ive been gone?"
i thought for a moment, should i tell her about frank? maybe i would later.
"no, not really. everythings pretty much the same." i lied.
i helped her with some of the things she was putting away in the kitchen. it was nice to have her home.
i felt a wave of her perfume hit me, and i felt comforted.
you know how when youre little, certain things remind you of your mother? like there are certain things you remember about her, that when you experience at times later it comforts you?
well her perfume always made me feel good. because i knew that when i smelled it, she was nearby. i always loved her soft natural blonde hair, and her slender fingers. i wished i could be just like her.
after helping her in the kitchen, i retired to my bedroom. i lay down and watch the ceiling a bit. the light hit it differently each time a streetlight would change, and i found this amusing.
i started to drift off to sleep when i heard a soft knocking at my window. i groaned, and mumbled curses to whoever disturbed me at this time of night.
i pushed back the curtain, and came face to face with a sympathetic looking gerard.
i sighed, and opened the window. he stepped in, and i sat down on my bed. i fixed my chocolate brown hair a bit, as it was somewhat messy from lying on it.
he took a breath before speaking, "Im really sorry." he whispered, so quietly that it was almost inaudible.
"sorry for what?" i asked, even though i knew the answer. i just wanted to hear him say it.
"for saying the things i said to you today." he paused. "i...i was just angry. i felt like you didnt want me to talk to you."
"thats not it at all, gerard. its just, you spend all this time with amy, and we like never see you anymore. and you expect us to act like we see you all the time." he nodded sadly.
"i know, i know. and thats going to change. im going to make time for amy, and time for you." he looked for my reaction.
"id really like that." i replied, relief sweeping over me. i missed this boy.
sure, i was still a little hurt about the things he said, but its gerard. i know he cares about us.
he grinned, and continued. "want to know something really awful?"
i nodded, urging him to go on.
"all this time ive been ignoring mikey too. me and him used to hang out all the time, and now i dont even know whats going on with him. he feels like im embarrassed by him or something." he frowned.
i frowned at this too. mikey is such a great kid. usually, he hangs around with the three of us. but i havent seen him lately.
"if anything needs to change gerard, its that. mikey is your baby brother."
"i know. i feel horrible." you should.
"will you answer me something though?" he asked hopefully.
"sure." i wasnt sure what i was getting myself into.
"are you and frank like....together?" he looked in my eyes, searching for an answer.
"yes." i said truthfully.
his face fell again. i dont know if i should be curious about this, or somewhat angry. its like he didnt want us to be together.
but then to make things worse, he spoke his mind:
"do you really think thats a good idea?" i stopped looking at the ground and shot my head up to meet his.
"what is that supposed to mean?" i spat angrily. i think he got the hint.
"i mean, you and frank? come on. no way." he laughed a bit.
i didnt find it funny at all. "well its not like we need your approval." his face changed.
"i know, im just saying, i dont see it ever going anywhere!" he defended. thats it. know hes making me furious.
"gerard, go home. i dont really care what you think. just dont worry about my relationships. go worry about your own." i yelled at him.
i lowered my voice, "i dont butt into your relationship." i pointed out.
he wore a sad face, and nodded. i immediatly regretted yelling at him. because mind you, i still love him. god knows i still love him.
but what can you do?
he sadly climbed out the window and headed home. i wanted to slap myself. i just made him feel like shit. like i didnt care about his opinion. but god, did i. every word he said mattered like you would never believe.
i could basically die for every word he said.
...isnt that a dashboard confessional song? well its true.
and im pretty ashamed of myself. because what if he never knows how i feel about him? what if gerard way never knows how much i love him?
i decided i wouldnt let that happen.