Categories > Original > Humor > Five Minute Soap Dish
Week 5
"So..." Gia said, drumming her fingers along the table top, "I'm Gia, by the way."
"Mark," her drink guest said shyly.
Gia glanced around, but Kelly was gone. She was stuck with this drinks guest, unless she wanted to be rude. Which she didn't.
"Look, since you've got me a refill of my drink, you've said nothing, nothing at all," Gia said, "Is there a problem? Did I read the signals or wrong?"
"No but-"
"No, I didn't read any signals, that was Kelly. Thanks a lot girlfriend," Gia said, not really speaking to Mark, until something clicked, "Look, if Kelly, my friend, if she embarrassed you a bit, don't worry."
"No it's not-"
"She gets off on emasculating."
"No its-what?" Mark said, slightly shocked by Gia's words.
"Seriously, you should see her with Nick and Steve-they're my friends, well, Steve hates me, but we work together on a radio show-did I tell you I worked on a radio show? Anyway, my point is that Kelly hates men."
This just confused Mark more, "She's a lesbian?"
"Oh, no no. She has a boyfriend. She just hates him, and doesn't bother learning his name," Gia explained, then realised how much she had said, "Sorry, I completely took over the conversation there. I guess I must be a bit nervous too."
"No, it's fine," Mark said, a hint of a smile finally forming, "Someone had to do it. But now that you've got that out of your system, let's stop talking about your weird friends."
"Steve's not a friend, we just-"
Mark put up his hand to indicate Gia should stop, "Yeah I got that, but I don't want to hear about your friends. I want to know about you. So, you mentioned a radio program, what-"
"It's a comedy show. Kelly produces it, and Steve and Nick started it up with her-oh wait, I mentioned them again."
"No, that time it was fine. So what do you do for them?"
"Well, they primarily do sketches and rants. And while Nick and Steve were fine for the rants, every now and then they needed a female voice for the sketches."
"So they asked you?"
"No, Nick tried to do a female voice after a while, but it didn't work out. Then he called me, we knew each other since school so he knew I could do it. And so for the past few months we've been doing this once a week."
"Oh, so is that all you do?"
"Well, I'm a student, but that's far less interesting," Gia explained, "Trust me, you don't want to get into that."
"No, I do-"
"You don't. I'm telling this for your own sake."
"Come on! You can't leave me-"
"Banking!" Gia hissed, checking to see if anyone around her heard, "I do banking. Bored now, 'cuz I sure am."
Mark laughed a little, "Don't be so embarrassed, it may be dull, but you get a good job out of it. The last person I took out for drinks was a poet. You want something impractical, take a poet. A moocher on top of all that."
"At least it would have been romantic."
"Oh I wish. Suicide poetry, and nothing else. I don't know which one made me want to turn to self harm more-the poetry or their company," Mark explained, before putting his head in his hand, "I'm sorry, I always mention my old partners on dates."
"Partners?"
Mark groaned, "Now it sounds like I'm gloating."
Gia laughed, "No, it was funny. It's only critical comparisons to past girlfriends I have a problem with."
"But all the self help books recommend against it-"
"Whoah!" Gia said, cutting him off, "You read self help books?"
"Well yeah. Relationship and business mainly, but a bit on diet."
"You're on the verge of losing any respect I had for you, by the way. Tell me you didn't pay for them."
"Well most I read in bookstores, but a few of the "For dummies" books I bought."
Gia sighed and shook her head, "Bad, bad news."
"Oh come on, I bet you've done something embarrassing to help you in relationships."
"No, I haven't."
"Never?"
"No!" Gia said, then after a pause a small grin spilled across her face, "Maybe once."
"Spill."
Gia, smile wider, admitted, "Once, when I was in a relationship with this guy, I got the compatibility of our names examined by numerology."
"What, you went to a numerologist-"
"No, nothing so slightly legitimate."
"Oh my God!" Mark cheered, covering his mouth to hide his smile, "You used the mobile phone service. The one that's only on late, alongside phone sex ads and dating services."
"Yes," Gia admitted in shame, then raised an eyebrow, "How do you know about them?"
"That's a bit personal on our first date," Mark said, "So, what was the result?"
"67%, so not very high. But I stuck to it," Gia explained, "Until he ran off with my best friend."
"Oh," Mark said, any joy suddenly dissipating from his face. He was desperate not to show laughter at this situation.
"It's okay, no doubt their names had greater compatibility."
Gia started to laugh, and Mark joined in. This was turning out better than either had thought it would a few moments ago. But then they returned to silence.
"Damn, here we are being quiet again," Gia said, "I thought you with your self help books could prevent against that."
"Well, the books did have some conversation starters. I suppose I could come up with the non-risque ones, and then pull out the risque one-"
"Don't get your hopes up," Gia said, serious but with a slight smirk.
"Well, here goes on the PG-13 level. What's your favourite colour?"
"So..." Gia said, drumming her fingers along the table top, "I'm Gia, by the way."
"Mark," her drink guest said shyly.
Gia glanced around, but Kelly was gone. She was stuck with this drinks guest, unless she wanted to be rude. Which she didn't.
"Look, since you've got me a refill of my drink, you've said nothing, nothing at all," Gia said, "Is there a problem? Did I read the signals or wrong?"
"No but-"
"No, I didn't read any signals, that was Kelly. Thanks a lot girlfriend," Gia said, not really speaking to Mark, until something clicked, "Look, if Kelly, my friend, if she embarrassed you a bit, don't worry."
"No it's not-"
"She gets off on emasculating."
"No its-what?" Mark said, slightly shocked by Gia's words.
"Seriously, you should see her with Nick and Steve-they're my friends, well, Steve hates me, but we work together on a radio show-did I tell you I worked on a radio show? Anyway, my point is that Kelly hates men."
This just confused Mark more, "She's a lesbian?"
"Oh, no no. She has a boyfriend. She just hates him, and doesn't bother learning his name," Gia explained, then realised how much she had said, "Sorry, I completely took over the conversation there. I guess I must be a bit nervous too."
"No, it's fine," Mark said, a hint of a smile finally forming, "Someone had to do it. But now that you've got that out of your system, let's stop talking about your weird friends."
"Steve's not a friend, we just-"
Mark put up his hand to indicate Gia should stop, "Yeah I got that, but I don't want to hear about your friends. I want to know about you. So, you mentioned a radio program, what-"
"It's a comedy show. Kelly produces it, and Steve and Nick started it up with her-oh wait, I mentioned them again."
"No, that time it was fine. So what do you do for them?"
"Well, they primarily do sketches and rants. And while Nick and Steve were fine for the rants, every now and then they needed a female voice for the sketches."
"So they asked you?"
"No, Nick tried to do a female voice after a while, but it didn't work out. Then he called me, we knew each other since school so he knew I could do it. And so for the past few months we've been doing this once a week."
"Oh, so is that all you do?"
"Well, I'm a student, but that's far less interesting," Gia explained, "Trust me, you don't want to get into that."
"No, I do-"
"You don't. I'm telling this for your own sake."
"Come on! You can't leave me-"
"Banking!" Gia hissed, checking to see if anyone around her heard, "I do banking. Bored now, 'cuz I sure am."
Mark laughed a little, "Don't be so embarrassed, it may be dull, but you get a good job out of it. The last person I took out for drinks was a poet. You want something impractical, take a poet. A moocher on top of all that."
"At least it would have been romantic."
"Oh I wish. Suicide poetry, and nothing else. I don't know which one made me want to turn to self harm more-the poetry or their company," Mark explained, before putting his head in his hand, "I'm sorry, I always mention my old partners on dates."
"Partners?"
Mark groaned, "Now it sounds like I'm gloating."
Gia laughed, "No, it was funny. It's only critical comparisons to past girlfriends I have a problem with."
"But all the self help books recommend against it-"
"Whoah!" Gia said, cutting him off, "You read self help books?"
"Well yeah. Relationship and business mainly, but a bit on diet."
"You're on the verge of losing any respect I had for you, by the way. Tell me you didn't pay for them."
"Well most I read in bookstores, but a few of the "For dummies" books I bought."
Gia sighed and shook her head, "Bad, bad news."
"Oh come on, I bet you've done something embarrassing to help you in relationships."
"No, I haven't."
"Never?"
"No!" Gia said, then after a pause a small grin spilled across her face, "Maybe once."
"Spill."
Gia, smile wider, admitted, "Once, when I was in a relationship with this guy, I got the compatibility of our names examined by numerology."
"What, you went to a numerologist-"
"No, nothing so slightly legitimate."
"Oh my God!" Mark cheered, covering his mouth to hide his smile, "You used the mobile phone service. The one that's only on late, alongside phone sex ads and dating services."
"Yes," Gia admitted in shame, then raised an eyebrow, "How do you know about them?"
"That's a bit personal on our first date," Mark said, "So, what was the result?"
"67%, so not very high. But I stuck to it," Gia explained, "Until he ran off with my best friend."
"Oh," Mark said, any joy suddenly dissipating from his face. He was desperate not to show laughter at this situation.
"It's okay, no doubt their names had greater compatibility."
Gia started to laugh, and Mark joined in. This was turning out better than either had thought it would a few moments ago. But then they returned to silence.
"Damn, here we are being quiet again," Gia said, "I thought you with your self help books could prevent against that."
"Well, the books did have some conversation starters. I suppose I could come up with the non-risque ones, and then pull out the risque one-"
"Don't get your hopes up," Gia said, serious but with a slight smirk.
"Well, here goes on the PG-13 level. What's your favourite colour?"
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