Categories > Original > Humor > Five Minute Soap Dish
Week 12
"And once again to all four of you listening, come back next week if you haven't found anything more interesting to do," Nik said into the microphone, "Until then, it's good night from me, Nick Thompson."
"And good night from me, Steve Bardwell. And now...an hour of chanting."
Steve and Gia quickly removed his head phones and left the studio for Kelly's controlling desks. Nick, on the other hand stayed around, listening to the chanting carefully. When it had been replaced by the news satellite he joined the others.
"That chanting....it was us at lunch a while ago, wasn't it? All slowed down and stuff," Nick asked, "I mean, Gia, Kelly and Me us, not Steve us."
"You guys are having lunch together now?" Steve asked.
"Well, my usual method of recording the conversation of strangers I meet at clubs fell through when I didn't make it to any meeting places," Kelly explained, "Well, there was one place I went to where I could have recorded someone, but Gia here had the ingratitude try and pick him up!"
"Gia is seeing someone?" Steve asked, getting more confused.
"Hey! You introduced him to me, okay? You've got to accept some of the blame," Gia argued, checking her watch, "Talking of which, I better be heading off soon for the date."
"Gia's going on a date?" Steve said, raising his voice louder in the hope someone would respond top him.
"Ooh, where's he taking you?" Kelly asked.
"There's an Italian place on Lygon he says is nice-"
"Great," Nick said, rolling his eyes, "You don't know his name, his occupation, and the restaurant he's taking you to is an Italian place on Lygon, which is vague enough to prevent anyone from finding you. I mean, every third person, place and thing on Lygon is Italian. He could just mean he's taking you to his Italian parent's home."
"Gia's dating an Italian?" Steve almost shouted.
"Mark's not a serial killer, okay Nick? That joke's gone on far enough. And he's not Italian."
"I don't know," Kelly interceded, "He looked a bit Italian to me. How can you be so sure?"
"Kelly knows Gia's boyfriend?" Steve shouted.
"Not once in our conversation did he mention his mother," Gia explained.
Kelly and Nick pondered this for a short time, eyes looking away in the distance.
"Well, that proves it for me," Nick said, "At least on the Italian front, if not the serial killer."
"Same here," Kelly said, "So....since we're all friends...is he going tot get lucky tonight?"
"WHAT?!" Gia and Steve cried out in unison.
Kelly had a small laugh, "I'm sorry, what I meant to say is Mark, the guy you're going out with, going to have some form of sexual intercourse with you tonight?"
Gia went a bright red, backing away slightly, "That's incredible personal of you, Kelly."
"No, it's not," Nick corrected her, "Well, for or me, it's personal, for Kelly, it's standard. For Kelly, personal would be asking for the exact nature of acts, pages of karma sutra used, and which emergency services will you have on speed dial, just in case."
Gia smiled, "I'm not going to answer your question Kelly," then turned to Nick, "But to answer you, Poison control, ambulance, and maybe the fire department."
"Good choice!" Nick said with a smirk.
Gia grabbed her coat, "Well, I better get moving if I'm going to catch the tram, so I'll see you during the week. Bye."
"Bye," Kelly and Nick called out as Gia left. After it was clear it was gone, Steve decided to try and be noticed again.
"Okay, what was that all about?"
"Two things have come about that we think you need to deal with. Firstly, Gia's staying as permanent staff," Kelly explained, "And she knows you hate her."
"Seems to be contradictory to me. If she knows we can't stand each other, how will we work together on the program?" Steve said, "And what does this have to do with everyone refusing to acknowledge my existence?"
"We're showing you what it feels like to do what you're all doing to Gia all the time. Hopefully by realising how you're acting, you'll quit being such an arse, and try to understand Gia," Nick explained, "I know it's a long shot, knowing you, but once in a while I like to let out my inner optimist."
Steve laughed a little, malevolently, "You think snubbing me is going to make me change my mind? Look, I don't care who easily Gia's convinced you that she's alright with her nice smiles and moderately attractive tits, it won't wash with me, okay? I know I don't trust her, and nothing you say or do can convince me otherwise."
And with that, Steve grabbed his jacket, and started walking towards the door, "And for your information I have a date now, too. And yes, she's getting lucky tonight."
Steve slammed the door angrily as he left the building. Kelly and Nick were left alone.
"Well, that could have gone better," Kelly said finally, "I thought your well thought out plans were generally...well thought out."
"My jobs include cleaning plates, putting a tomato garnish on a plate, and pouring beer. Any intelligence I had is out of practise," Nick said, "We'll have to try something else though. Those two need to work out their problems."
"Specifically Steve."
"Oh, almost entirely Steve," Nick said, then thought something over, smiling slightly.
"What?" Kelly asked.
"I was just thinking. Gia and Steve having a date on the same night. Sounds almost contrived, like some bad US sitcom," he explained.
Kelly smiled as well, "Well, what are we waiting for, Batman? To the Video Store!"
"And once again to all four of you listening, come back next week if you haven't found anything more interesting to do," Nik said into the microphone, "Until then, it's good night from me, Nick Thompson."
"And good night from me, Steve Bardwell. And now...an hour of chanting."
Steve and Gia quickly removed his head phones and left the studio for Kelly's controlling desks. Nick, on the other hand stayed around, listening to the chanting carefully. When it had been replaced by the news satellite he joined the others.
"That chanting....it was us at lunch a while ago, wasn't it? All slowed down and stuff," Nick asked, "I mean, Gia, Kelly and Me us, not Steve us."
"You guys are having lunch together now?" Steve asked.
"Well, my usual method of recording the conversation of strangers I meet at clubs fell through when I didn't make it to any meeting places," Kelly explained, "Well, there was one place I went to where I could have recorded someone, but Gia here had the ingratitude try and pick him up!"
"Gia is seeing someone?" Steve asked, getting more confused.
"Hey! You introduced him to me, okay? You've got to accept some of the blame," Gia argued, checking her watch, "Talking of which, I better be heading off soon for the date."
"Gia's going on a date?" Steve said, raising his voice louder in the hope someone would respond top him.
"Ooh, where's he taking you?" Kelly asked.
"There's an Italian place on Lygon he says is nice-"
"Great," Nick said, rolling his eyes, "You don't know his name, his occupation, and the restaurant he's taking you to is an Italian place on Lygon, which is vague enough to prevent anyone from finding you. I mean, every third person, place and thing on Lygon is Italian. He could just mean he's taking you to his Italian parent's home."
"Gia's dating an Italian?" Steve almost shouted.
"Mark's not a serial killer, okay Nick? That joke's gone on far enough. And he's not Italian."
"I don't know," Kelly interceded, "He looked a bit Italian to me. How can you be so sure?"
"Kelly knows Gia's boyfriend?" Steve shouted.
"Not once in our conversation did he mention his mother," Gia explained.
Kelly and Nick pondered this for a short time, eyes looking away in the distance.
"Well, that proves it for me," Nick said, "At least on the Italian front, if not the serial killer."
"Same here," Kelly said, "So....since we're all friends...is he going tot get lucky tonight?"
"WHAT?!" Gia and Steve cried out in unison.
Kelly had a small laugh, "I'm sorry, what I meant to say is Mark, the guy you're going out with, going to have some form of sexual intercourse with you tonight?"
Gia went a bright red, backing away slightly, "That's incredible personal of you, Kelly."
"No, it's not," Nick corrected her, "Well, for or me, it's personal, for Kelly, it's standard. For Kelly, personal would be asking for the exact nature of acts, pages of karma sutra used, and which emergency services will you have on speed dial, just in case."
Gia smiled, "I'm not going to answer your question Kelly," then turned to Nick, "But to answer you, Poison control, ambulance, and maybe the fire department."
"Good choice!" Nick said with a smirk.
Gia grabbed her coat, "Well, I better get moving if I'm going to catch the tram, so I'll see you during the week. Bye."
"Bye," Kelly and Nick called out as Gia left. After it was clear it was gone, Steve decided to try and be noticed again.
"Okay, what was that all about?"
"Two things have come about that we think you need to deal with. Firstly, Gia's staying as permanent staff," Kelly explained, "And she knows you hate her."
"Seems to be contradictory to me. If she knows we can't stand each other, how will we work together on the program?" Steve said, "And what does this have to do with everyone refusing to acknowledge my existence?"
"We're showing you what it feels like to do what you're all doing to Gia all the time. Hopefully by realising how you're acting, you'll quit being such an arse, and try to understand Gia," Nick explained, "I know it's a long shot, knowing you, but once in a while I like to let out my inner optimist."
Steve laughed a little, malevolently, "You think snubbing me is going to make me change my mind? Look, I don't care who easily Gia's convinced you that she's alright with her nice smiles and moderately attractive tits, it won't wash with me, okay? I know I don't trust her, and nothing you say or do can convince me otherwise."
And with that, Steve grabbed his jacket, and started walking towards the door, "And for your information I have a date now, too. And yes, she's getting lucky tonight."
Steve slammed the door angrily as he left the building. Kelly and Nick were left alone.
"Well, that could have gone better," Kelly said finally, "I thought your well thought out plans were generally...well thought out."
"My jobs include cleaning plates, putting a tomato garnish on a plate, and pouring beer. Any intelligence I had is out of practise," Nick said, "We'll have to try something else though. Those two need to work out their problems."
"Specifically Steve."
"Oh, almost entirely Steve," Nick said, then thought something over, smiling slightly.
"What?" Kelly asked.
"I was just thinking. Gia and Steve having a date on the same night. Sounds almost contrived, like some bad US sitcom," he explained.
Kelly smiled as well, "Well, what are we waiting for, Batman? To the Video Store!"
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