Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > i only obssess over you
Chapter:5
Title: 2005.eighteen.twentyfive- part 2
Authors Note: I don't own jeanae, nor do I hate her, I'm adding her name not person into this, in this fic she's older and... a hoe LOL the last part ( not giving away what it is just yet, read on)... its fictional- completely I mean yes it happened but not for that reason
Sometimes we crash, our worlds burn, unexpected things tear us apart. We come to believe we are invincible yet there's the imperfection in life to prove us wrong. I had never experienced heart ache until I met Pete.
* flashback*
"Oh god, how'd she get in here" Laura a merch girl asked rolling her eyes. I focused my attention to who she was talking about. A tall, thin short haired girl stood amongst Joe,Dirty and Juan. They were sucker punching, head locking and laughing. I noticed the girls pixie looking features, she looked familiar, maybe she had been to a previous show. I couldn't quite remember how I knew her. She was obviously used to being backstage, she had that " i-don't-give-a-fuck-cuz-im-so-rock-n-roll" look. I shrugged it odd and went back to helping Laura.
Later that night I stood on a large amp holding Joe's microphone. Pete and I had been fooling around. We were doing a scream off to " I slept with some1 in FOB ..."Patrick played the main chord progression and laughed at my attempts. I had to admit my screamos had improved, thanks to the wonderful coaching I'd received from my boyfriend, but I still sucked. Pete and I laughed as I jumped down from the amp and into his arms. He kissed me passionately smiling into the kiss.
" I so rocked that!" I exclaimed happily turning to face my non existent audience. The girl stood there smirking at me. She was older looking, more closer to Pete's age.
"still getting into little girls pants are you Wentz?" I had never seen him turn faster. She smiled wildly at his reaction.
"Jeanae! What are you doing here?!" he asked as I stood to the side feeling like the awkward 3rd wheel.
" wow, now that's definitely a way to make me feel welcome" she said flatly. " get over here and give me a hug!" He ran off stage and twirled her in the air. I bit my lip. I shouldn't be jealous, no way, Patrick winked at me reassuringly. I smiled weakly.
People had been reluctant to tell me who she was so I went to someone who couldn't care les about my feelings, Dirty. He was loving it.
" She's his old flame" he explained with a smirk. Hy heart stopped for a few seconds.
"Were they serious?" I asked. He burst out in laughter.
"Sure, serious about getting it on 24/7" A queasy feeling emerged in my stomach. I told myself that it didn't matter, that he loved me, that he had changed, but all my attempts of convincing myself were crushed when I walked into the bathroom backstage and found Jeanaes legs wrapped around Pete's naked torso. His eyes met mine and he pushed her odd him.
" oh... I'm...I should've knocked" I stuttered and turned my heel to walk away. I heard him fumble getting his pants on.
" Lexy wait!!! Its not what you think!" he called after me.
**
When your heart breaks, it affects your whole body, your mind, your soul. Heart ache is more than just the breaking of the heart. Our world was shattered that day, like a broken snow globe, all the tiny perfect pieces scattered everywhere.
*flashback*
I locked myself in the tour bus. There was no way I could handle seeing anyone. I collapsed on the steps, crying. How could be do this to us? We were perfect. Loud bangs came from the other side of the door.
"LEXY! Open the fucking door! Let me explain!" he yelled. I didn't reply. Explain? What was he going to explain? That his pants accidentally fell of and his dick accidentally ended up in her? They were all right. I should have listened to my parents, to everyone, he didn't love me.
"Lexy please!" he begged. I peaked through the curtain at him. He was a total wreck.
"Go away!" I yelled back. " Go to Her!" I said bitterly. I didn't let him back on the bus that night. He had slept in a van. I knew that ditching school for a week to tour with Pete was a bad idea. I avoided him at all costs, Patrick had enlisted himself as my personal body guard. He had gotten into a huge fight with Pete over it all. He was a good friend. I couldn't wait to get out of there.
" you know, if ita any consolation, he does love you" Patrick said as I played with the food I was supposed to be consuming.
" Funny way of showing it" I replied without looking up.
" He does, but you have to remember who we're talking about Lex, its Pete, he's the king of fuck ups. And Jeanae... she she has this weird way of forcing her way back into his life" he explained. "Even if he's not into her".
After much deliberation and avoidance I walked over to the edge of the stage where Pete was sitting tuning his bass.
" you said you had something to say" I said avoiding looking at him. He looked surprised that I was talking to him.
" So when I want to talk, its not cool, but when you want to talk, then its perfect timing?" he asked in his asshole tone .I shook my head. I shouldn't have tried this, it was useless. I turned to walk away.
"OK!OK! I'm sorry" he said. I paused. He put his bass down and grabbed my hand so I would face him. I was putting on my bravest face. I didn't want him to see my weakness, although I was sure I was transparent.
"Who is she?" I asked coldly. His eyes flinched and looked down in shame.
" We used to hook up, a long time ago, nothing serious, she was just for fun"he said, my firsts burning from being clenched so tight.
"And now?" I asked, fearing his answer. He pushed my hair behind my ears. ' I want to be with her Lexy. Its over. I hate you, your nothing to me'.
"It was a mistake, I hate myself for it. I hate her for it" A tear slipped from the corner of my eye and fell to the floor beneath us. Tears spilt from, his eyes too.
"How could you do that?" I asked quivering. "You told me you loved me.... i...I lost my virginity to you... and by doing that you threw me away" I swallowed hard. " and for what? For a dirty fuck? Was I not enough for you?" I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand.
" No, I love you, I'm sorry" he cried. "it happened and I'm sorry, I don't know what I can do... I just don't want this to be it... I love you too much, please don't end it" he begged. I rolled my eyes.
" your fucking pathetic. I wish your asshole friends who worship you could see you like this" I said and left him alone.
That night I lay alone in our bunk awake, thinking. I loved Pete. What he had done was cheap, tacky and dirty. I looked at my forearm that read "sally". " Lets live like Jack and Sally forever" he had said. The truth of the matter was I loved him, I knew we belonged together. There was nobody else in the world I loved like I loved him. He made me feel like it was ok to be just be, that I didn't have to change. I got up from my bunk and walked to the front of the bus in the dark amongst snores coming from Joes bunk. At the front, Charlie, our driver sat at the wheel.
"Charlie?" Do you mind if we tell Pete's van to pull over please?" I asked. HE smiled and agreed aware of our problems. He walkie-talkied Pete's van to pull over and we did the same. IN the cold Midwest night I walked down the highway to where Pete's van was parked. I smiled at Juan who was driving that night, he nodded in acknowledgement.
I pulled the latch for the boot to open. Dirty slept in one corner and Pete in the other. I climbed in and crouched next to Pete, his back was to me.
"Pete" I whispered. He groaned in his sleep. I leaned in closer to his ear.
"Peterrabbit, wake up" I tried again His eyes flicked open in shock, then he realized it was me and he relaxed a bit.
"What's wrong? Are you ok?" he asked. I shook my head. He rubbed his eyes and sat up. Tears rolled down my cold cheeks.
" I love you" I sobbed. " And you hurt me so bad Pete" he pulled me into a tight hug. " you broke my heart"
"I'm so sorry baby" he said kissing my forehead.
" I cant hate you, I want to but I cant" I sobbed into his chest " I cant hate you because I love you too much"
" I love you too" he said. I nodded and swallowed away any incoming tears. I grabbed his hand and led him back to the bus. Charlie smiled at us.
" Don't you hurt her again, got it Wentz? Or you'll have to deal with me" he said. We crawled into our bunk and lay together. He held my tightly.
" I thought I'd never get to do this again" he said. I sighed. " I'll sew your heart back together ok?" he whispered.
**
Times were not always sunshine and smiles with us, but I had learnt to trust him again. I I could've walked away if I had known what was going to happen. Could've but wouldn't. I wouldn't have walked away from our world, our perfection, our symphony because, it was a part of me. We brought beauty in to each others lives even when things got dark, scary and grey. I was the world, he was the world. I trusted him, my heart was his for the taking, his was mine, I trusted him. He could have led me into a world of decay like people said he would, but he never did. Not intentionally.
*flashback*
"Baby there's nothing more I want then to take you with me" he said as we stood outside his parents house, waiting for Patrick to pick him up to go to the airport.Two month international tour. I had been apart for him before, but this time it felt different for some reason. " but you have school and I want you to do well" he said as he tightened his grip around my waist.
" I hate school" I told him, he smiled into my hair.
"everyone does" I sighed and looked into his eyes.
"Pete... what if you meet someone else?" I asked. His jaw dropped.
" Are you kidding? No... no way.. look I've fucked up once and that was more than enough for me" he said sternly. I nodded. He had seriously learnt his lesson.
"I'm going to miss you Wentz" I said.
"Ill miss you too" he said. Patrick pulled up and beeped the horn. We shared a kiss and he left. As they pulled away he mouthed I love you and he was gone.
We shared phone calls but that was never enough. We didn't function with each other. The stupid thing was, every time he'd call me I'd pretend to be having a ball so he wouldn't feel bad for leaving me. He always sounded like he was having a blast and I was jealous. Jealous of his friends, or his fans, of everyone. I felt like I was spinning out of control and no one saw the pain I was enduring. My heart was breaking. It finally did when I received a call from Patrick two days before they were due back home.
"Lexy?" Patrick asked in a worried voice.
"Yeh, Hi Patrick, what's up?" I asked.
"Its...Its Pete... he's uhh he's had an accident" he sugar coated.
"Accident?" I asked in a shaky voice./My body collapsing on my bed. Patrick was silent. "Whh..What kind of accident? Are you all ok?" I asked, my mind filling with a million terrifying images. Patrick let out a breath.
"We're ok.. we umm we just got home early actually" he states, working his way around the topic.
"Patrick, what the fuck happened?" I asked in confusion. He sighed yet again.
" He overdosed Lexy" I heard the words, but they came out in slow motion, a blur like an old tape recorder that was running out of battery. I felt sick to my stomach. My throat was dry and for the life of me I couldn't get a word out.
"Lex?" he asked. A tear fell from my eye. I dry swallowed and cleared my throat. What the fuck had happened?
"Is he ok?" I asked trying to sound as composed as possible was proving to be an impossible task. Overdose? What did that mean?... Did it mean he was dead? What did it mean?"
" He's at the Roselle hospital" he sighed "I'll come by your place and pick you up to take you" I nodded.
"Lex?"
"Oh yeah, sorry...yeh see you soon" Switching off my phone I threw it to a corner in my room. It had to be a mistake. Pete was the most alive person I knew. I mean sure I knew he had problems with anxiety but there was no way he was depressed. He had told me that he hadn't been like that in a long time. There was no way he could have been that unhappy. Even after the Jeanae thing. Maybe that was it, I thought, maybe he didn't love me, maybe he secretly wanted to be with her. Maybe it was killing him to be with me.I hadn't even notices Patrick standing at my bedroom doorway. I quickly wiped away my tears.He smiled weakly at me. I tried to return one but only tears and loud sobs came out.He sat next to me and pulled me into a Patrick hug. I soaked his blue polo with tears and occasionally managed to ask questions like 'why?' ' why didn't he tell me?'. He hushes me. He couldn't answer me. Finally after an hour and a half of asking questions. I had stopped crying.
"You wana go and see him?" he asked in a soft tone, trying not to evoke another meltdown.I nodded.
The ride there was silent. Only the radio hosts spoke and were interrupted by songs being played. We arrived to the hospital and he was still in intensive care. His poor mother in there with him.I sat in a chair next to Andy and Patrick.The whole area scared me. It smelt overly sterile, the walls a bright white,the lighting a horrible flurescent white. I hadn't noticed but I was shaking unexpectedly Joe silently took off his black hoodie and handed it to me.That was the nicest thing he has ever done for me and I couldn't muster a response. Andy took the hoodie and wrapped it around my shoulders. Mrs Wentz exited Petes room.I stood up immeditatly and hugged her. She let a few tears spill out.
"He...was in Brendas old car" she said between sobs "his... anxiety... oh god...". A doctor exited Pete's room.
"C...Can I see him?"I asked.
"Only for a short moment, his sytem is being flushed and he needs his rest". I nodded letting go of his mother and walking in his room. He lay awake staring up at the ceiling. His arms with IV's stuck into them wiring coming from his chest and arms and a peg looking thing attached to his finger. All this connection him to machines to monitor whether he was alive or not. I cleared my throat although I was sure he was aware of my presence. He looked my way . Then he shut his eyes tightly.
"Pete?" I asked as I approached his bedside. He opened this eyes. I took his hand. His eyes refused to meet mine.
"Pete?" I asked again. Finally his eyes ,the ones that had been full of life looked back at mine. My lip began to involuntarily quiver, as I came to the realization that he had tried to die.
"What happened?" I finally asked. Those dull eyes looked back. His skin a sickly yellow.
" I...I couldn't do it anymore" he choked out. I blinked away tears.
"Do what?" I asked after clearing my throat. He sighed.
"Don't make me say it Lexy"
"I need to know Pete, did I do something? Am I making you unhappy? Whats going on? You know you can tell me Panda, you tell me everything" I stammered. Tears welled up in his eyes. He let them flow, not caring if I saw, if they covered his cheeks. I had never seen him like this.
"I'm sorry" he said squeezing my hand. "You didn't do anything, it was al me, I shouldn't have gone on tour without you... I was going crazy and you weren't there, but I couldn't ask you to come because you were having such an amazing time, I mean its your senior year" he rambled, his eyes flicking nervously " its your senior year and you just don't need me, Then I realized that I deserve to get left behind by you, you deserve the best, after Jeanae, its obvious I'm not the best for you, I'm a fucking loser...I deserve to die" he said flatly. I threw his hand at him catching him by surprise. My blood boiled.
"Who do you think you are huh?" I asked holding back tears. You think I've been happy? That its fantastic having millions of girls throw themselves at your boyfriend and have him leave you in a dead beat town? I left you behind? Fuck off Pete, I was miserable. And the thing with Jeanae, yes completely moronic on your part, but don't you dare tell me that I'll be happier with you dead, that you deserve to die" I wiped away the tears that had forced their way out with the back of my hand. "I love you, you fucking idiot" I cried and he tugged on the hand he held and pulled me into a hug.
" I'm sorry, I'm so fucked up Lexy...I don't want to be but I am" he cried soaking my hair with salty tears. I held him tightly. I didn't want him to slip away. I had never been more grateful for anything than that his attempt had failed. That I still had the love of my life in my arms.
**
That was possibly the most terrifying moment I had experienced. Pete and I had come to the realization that we didn't function apart. We belonged together, in our world. He took time off work that year, we helped each other get better. He had started DecayDance and I graduated. We planned a future together. We had to rebuild a world which had been demolished, brick by brick, order had to be restored in our world or perfection. The secret world of Pete and Lexy.
Title: 2005.eighteen.twentyfive- part 2
Authors Note: I don't own jeanae, nor do I hate her, I'm adding her name not person into this, in this fic she's older and... a hoe LOL the last part ( not giving away what it is just yet, read on)... its fictional- completely I mean yes it happened but not for that reason
Sometimes we crash, our worlds burn, unexpected things tear us apart. We come to believe we are invincible yet there's the imperfection in life to prove us wrong. I had never experienced heart ache until I met Pete.
* flashback*
"Oh god, how'd she get in here" Laura a merch girl asked rolling her eyes. I focused my attention to who she was talking about. A tall, thin short haired girl stood amongst Joe,Dirty and Juan. They were sucker punching, head locking and laughing. I noticed the girls pixie looking features, she looked familiar, maybe she had been to a previous show. I couldn't quite remember how I knew her. She was obviously used to being backstage, she had that " i-don't-give-a-fuck-cuz-im-so-rock-n-roll" look. I shrugged it odd and went back to helping Laura.
Later that night I stood on a large amp holding Joe's microphone. Pete and I had been fooling around. We were doing a scream off to " I slept with some1 in FOB ..."Patrick played the main chord progression and laughed at my attempts. I had to admit my screamos had improved, thanks to the wonderful coaching I'd received from my boyfriend, but I still sucked. Pete and I laughed as I jumped down from the amp and into his arms. He kissed me passionately smiling into the kiss.
" I so rocked that!" I exclaimed happily turning to face my non existent audience. The girl stood there smirking at me. She was older looking, more closer to Pete's age.
"still getting into little girls pants are you Wentz?" I had never seen him turn faster. She smiled wildly at his reaction.
"Jeanae! What are you doing here?!" he asked as I stood to the side feeling like the awkward 3rd wheel.
" wow, now that's definitely a way to make me feel welcome" she said flatly. " get over here and give me a hug!" He ran off stage and twirled her in the air. I bit my lip. I shouldn't be jealous, no way, Patrick winked at me reassuringly. I smiled weakly.
People had been reluctant to tell me who she was so I went to someone who couldn't care les about my feelings, Dirty. He was loving it.
" She's his old flame" he explained with a smirk. Hy heart stopped for a few seconds.
"Were they serious?" I asked. He burst out in laughter.
"Sure, serious about getting it on 24/7" A queasy feeling emerged in my stomach. I told myself that it didn't matter, that he loved me, that he had changed, but all my attempts of convincing myself were crushed when I walked into the bathroom backstage and found Jeanaes legs wrapped around Pete's naked torso. His eyes met mine and he pushed her odd him.
" oh... I'm...I should've knocked" I stuttered and turned my heel to walk away. I heard him fumble getting his pants on.
" Lexy wait!!! Its not what you think!" he called after me.
**
When your heart breaks, it affects your whole body, your mind, your soul. Heart ache is more than just the breaking of the heart. Our world was shattered that day, like a broken snow globe, all the tiny perfect pieces scattered everywhere.
*flashback*
I locked myself in the tour bus. There was no way I could handle seeing anyone. I collapsed on the steps, crying. How could be do this to us? We were perfect. Loud bangs came from the other side of the door.
"LEXY! Open the fucking door! Let me explain!" he yelled. I didn't reply. Explain? What was he going to explain? That his pants accidentally fell of and his dick accidentally ended up in her? They were all right. I should have listened to my parents, to everyone, he didn't love me.
"Lexy please!" he begged. I peaked through the curtain at him. He was a total wreck.
"Go away!" I yelled back. " Go to Her!" I said bitterly. I didn't let him back on the bus that night. He had slept in a van. I knew that ditching school for a week to tour with Pete was a bad idea. I avoided him at all costs, Patrick had enlisted himself as my personal body guard. He had gotten into a huge fight with Pete over it all. He was a good friend. I couldn't wait to get out of there.
" you know, if ita any consolation, he does love you" Patrick said as I played with the food I was supposed to be consuming.
" Funny way of showing it" I replied without looking up.
" He does, but you have to remember who we're talking about Lex, its Pete, he's the king of fuck ups. And Jeanae... she she has this weird way of forcing her way back into his life" he explained. "Even if he's not into her".
After much deliberation and avoidance I walked over to the edge of the stage where Pete was sitting tuning his bass.
" you said you had something to say" I said avoiding looking at him. He looked surprised that I was talking to him.
" So when I want to talk, its not cool, but when you want to talk, then its perfect timing?" he asked in his asshole tone .I shook my head. I shouldn't have tried this, it was useless. I turned to walk away.
"OK!OK! I'm sorry" he said. I paused. He put his bass down and grabbed my hand so I would face him. I was putting on my bravest face. I didn't want him to see my weakness, although I was sure I was transparent.
"Who is she?" I asked coldly. His eyes flinched and looked down in shame.
" We used to hook up, a long time ago, nothing serious, she was just for fun"he said, my firsts burning from being clenched so tight.
"And now?" I asked, fearing his answer. He pushed my hair behind my ears. ' I want to be with her Lexy. Its over. I hate you, your nothing to me'.
"It was a mistake, I hate myself for it. I hate her for it" A tear slipped from the corner of my eye and fell to the floor beneath us. Tears spilt from, his eyes too.
"How could you do that?" I asked quivering. "You told me you loved me.... i...I lost my virginity to you... and by doing that you threw me away" I swallowed hard. " and for what? For a dirty fuck? Was I not enough for you?" I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand.
" No, I love you, I'm sorry" he cried. "it happened and I'm sorry, I don't know what I can do... I just don't want this to be it... I love you too much, please don't end it" he begged. I rolled my eyes.
" your fucking pathetic. I wish your asshole friends who worship you could see you like this" I said and left him alone.
That night I lay alone in our bunk awake, thinking. I loved Pete. What he had done was cheap, tacky and dirty. I looked at my forearm that read "sally". " Lets live like Jack and Sally forever" he had said. The truth of the matter was I loved him, I knew we belonged together. There was nobody else in the world I loved like I loved him. He made me feel like it was ok to be just be, that I didn't have to change. I got up from my bunk and walked to the front of the bus in the dark amongst snores coming from Joes bunk. At the front, Charlie, our driver sat at the wheel.
"Charlie?" Do you mind if we tell Pete's van to pull over please?" I asked. HE smiled and agreed aware of our problems. He walkie-talkied Pete's van to pull over and we did the same. IN the cold Midwest night I walked down the highway to where Pete's van was parked. I smiled at Juan who was driving that night, he nodded in acknowledgement.
I pulled the latch for the boot to open. Dirty slept in one corner and Pete in the other. I climbed in and crouched next to Pete, his back was to me.
"Pete" I whispered. He groaned in his sleep. I leaned in closer to his ear.
"Peterrabbit, wake up" I tried again His eyes flicked open in shock, then he realized it was me and he relaxed a bit.
"What's wrong? Are you ok?" he asked. I shook my head. He rubbed his eyes and sat up. Tears rolled down my cold cheeks.
" I love you" I sobbed. " And you hurt me so bad Pete" he pulled me into a tight hug. " you broke my heart"
"I'm so sorry baby" he said kissing my forehead.
" I cant hate you, I want to but I cant" I sobbed into his chest " I cant hate you because I love you too much"
" I love you too" he said. I nodded and swallowed away any incoming tears. I grabbed his hand and led him back to the bus. Charlie smiled at us.
" Don't you hurt her again, got it Wentz? Or you'll have to deal with me" he said. We crawled into our bunk and lay together. He held my tightly.
" I thought I'd never get to do this again" he said. I sighed. " I'll sew your heart back together ok?" he whispered.
**
Times were not always sunshine and smiles with us, but I had learnt to trust him again. I I could've walked away if I had known what was going to happen. Could've but wouldn't. I wouldn't have walked away from our world, our perfection, our symphony because, it was a part of me. We brought beauty in to each others lives even when things got dark, scary and grey. I was the world, he was the world. I trusted him, my heart was his for the taking, his was mine, I trusted him. He could have led me into a world of decay like people said he would, but he never did. Not intentionally.
*flashback*
"Baby there's nothing more I want then to take you with me" he said as we stood outside his parents house, waiting for Patrick to pick him up to go to the airport.Two month international tour. I had been apart for him before, but this time it felt different for some reason. " but you have school and I want you to do well" he said as he tightened his grip around my waist.
" I hate school" I told him, he smiled into my hair.
"everyone does" I sighed and looked into his eyes.
"Pete... what if you meet someone else?" I asked. His jaw dropped.
" Are you kidding? No... no way.. look I've fucked up once and that was more than enough for me" he said sternly. I nodded. He had seriously learnt his lesson.
"I'm going to miss you Wentz" I said.
"Ill miss you too" he said. Patrick pulled up and beeped the horn. We shared a kiss and he left. As they pulled away he mouthed I love you and he was gone.
We shared phone calls but that was never enough. We didn't function with each other. The stupid thing was, every time he'd call me I'd pretend to be having a ball so he wouldn't feel bad for leaving me. He always sounded like he was having a blast and I was jealous. Jealous of his friends, or his fans, of everyone. I felt like I was spinning out of control and no one saw the pain I was enduring. My heart was breaking. It finally did when I received a call from Patrick two days before they were due back home.
"Lexy?" Patrick asked in a worried voice.
"Yeh, Hi Patrick, what's up?" I asked.
"Its...Its Pete... he's uhh he's had an accident" he sugar coated.
"Accident?" I asked in a shaky voice./My body collapsing on my bed. Patrick was silent. "Whh..What kind of accident? Are you all ok?" I asked, my mind filling with a million terrifying images. Patrick let out a breath.
"We're ok.. we umm we just got home early actually" he states, working his way around the topic.
"Patrick, what the fuck happened?" I asked in confusion. He sighed yet again.
" He overdosed Lexy" I heard the words, but they came out in slow motion, a blur like an old tape recorder that was running out of battery. I felt sick to my stomach. My throat was dry and for the life of me I couldn't get a word out.
"Lex?" he asked. A tear fell from my eye. I dry swallowed and cleared my throat. What the fuck had happened?
"Is he ok?" I asked trying to sound as composed as possible was proving to be an impossible task. Overdose? What did that mean?... Did it mean he was dead? What did it mean?"
" He's at the Roselle hospital" he sighed "I'll come by your place and pick you up to take you" I nodded.
"Lex?"
"Oh yeah, sorry...yeh see you soon" Switching off my phone I threw it to a corner in my room. It had to be a mistake. Pete was the most alive person I knew. I mean sure I knew he had problems with anxiety but there was no way he was depressed. He had told me that he hadn't been like that in a long time. There was no way he could have been that unhappy. Even after the Jeanae thing. Maybe that was it, I thought, maybe he didn't love me, maybe he secretly wanted to be with her. Maybe it was killing him to be with me.I hadn't even notices Patrick standing at my bedroom doorway. I quickly wiped away my tears.He smiled weakly at me. I tried to return one but only tears and loud sobs came out.He sat next to me and pulled me into a Patrick hug. I soaked his blue polo with tears and occasionally managed to ask questions like 'why?' ' why didn't he tell me?'. He hushes me. He couldn't answer me. Finally after an hour and a half of asking questions. I had stopped crying.
"You wana go and see him?" he asked in a soft tone, trying not to evoke another meltdown.I nodded.
The ride there was silent. Only the radio hosts spoke and were interrupted by songs being played. We arrived to the hospital and he was still in intensive care. His poor mother in there with him.I sat in a chair next to Andy and Patrick.The whole area scared me. It smelt overly sterile, the walls a bright white,the lighting a horrible flurescent white. I hadn't noticed but I was shaking unexpectedly Joe silently took off his black hoodie and handed it to me.That was the nicest thing he has ever done for me and I couldn't muster a response. Andy took the hoodie and wrapped it around my shoulders. Mrs Wentz exited Petes room.I stood up immeditatly and hugged her. She let a few tears spill out.
"He...was in Brendas old car" she said between sobs "his... anxiety... oh god...". A doctor exited Pete's room.
"C...Can I see him?"I asked.
"Only for a short moment, his sytem is being flushed and he needs his rest". I nodded letting go of his mother and walking in his room. He lay awake staring up at the ceiling. His arms with IV's stuck into them wiring coming from his chest and arms and a peg looking thing attached to his finger. All this connection him to machines to monitor whether he was alive or not. I cleared my throat although I was sure he was aware of my presence. He looked my way . Then he shut his eyes tightly.
"Pete?" I asked as I approached his bedside. He opened this eyes. I took his hand. His eyes refused to meet mine.
"Pete?" I asked again. Finally his eyes ,the ones that had been full of life looked back at mine. My lip began to involuntarily quiver, as I came to the realization that he had tried to die.
"What happened?" I finally asked. Those dull eyes looked back. His skin a sickly yellow.
" I...I couldn't do it anymore" he choked out. I blinked away tears.
"Do what?" I asked after clearing my throat. He sighed.
"Don't make me say it Lexy"
"I need to know Pete, did I do something? Am I making you unhappy? Whats going on? You know you can tell me Panda, you tell me everything" I stammered. Tears welled up in his eyes. He let them flow, not caring if I saw, if they covered his cheeks. I had never seen him like this.
"I'm sorry" he said squeezing my hand. "You didn't do anything, it was al me, I shouldn't have gone on tour without you... I was going crazy and you weren't there, but I couldn't ask you to come because you were having such an amazing time, I mean its your senior year" he rambled, his eyes flicking nervously " its your senior year and you just don't need me, Then I realized that I deserve to get left behind by you, you deserve the best, after Jeanae, its obvious I'm not the best for you, I'm a fucking loser...I deserve to die" he said flatly. I threw his hand at him catching him by surprise. My blood boiled.
"Who do you think you are huh?" I asked holding back tears. You think I've been happy? That its fantastic having millions of girls throw themselves at your boyfriend and have him leave you in a dead beat town? I left you behind? Fuck off Pete, I was miserable. And the thing with Jeanae, yes completely moronic on your part, but don't you dare tell me that I'll be happier with you dead, that you deserve to die" I wiped away the tears that had forced their way out with the back of my hand. "I love you, you fucking idiot" I cried and he tugged on the hand he held and pulled me into a hug.
" I'm sorry, I'm so fucked up Lexy...I don't want to be but I am" he cried soaking my hair with salty tears. I held him tightly. I didn't want him to slip away. I had never been more grateful for anything than that his attempt had failed. That I still had the love of my life in my arms.
**
That was possibly the most terrifying moment I had experienced. Pete and I had come to the realization that we didn't function apart. We belonged together, in our world. He took time off work that year, we helped each other get better. He had started DecayDance and I graduated. We planned a future together. We had to rebuild a world which had been demolished, brick by brick, order had to be restored in our world or perfection. The secret world of Pete and Lexy.
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