Summer vacation's started, and Ranma can't wait to cool off. Too bad he has to stay a she to beat the heat. But then, Nodoka has been by more often looking for him. She won't be the only one. The t...
(A Ranma Â½ - Sexy Losers Fusion)
by avis de rapina
Disclaimer: Don't bother trying to suck me dry for writing this. I've already taken out a mortgage with the Blood Bank and they've got first dibs.
Summary: Summer vacation's started, and Ranma can't wait to cool off. Too bad he has to stay a she to beat the heat. But then, Nodoka has been by more often looking for him. She won't be the only one. The trouble coming his way is enough to make anyone run for their mommies. After all...
/"Mommy! Mommy changes everything!"/
Ranma sighed with relief as he poured a glass of ice-water over his head. He didn't mind the resulting shift to his cursed form. With this heat he would willingly remain in girl form just as long as he could enjoy a cold shower or failing that pour a cold drink over his face.
Ranma's father did not have this option. Pouring any cold liquid over himself to escape the heat would only lead to heat stroke as his body mass more than doubled and was covered in a thick insulating coat of fur. At least Mousse, Ryoga and Shampoo lost body mass and lost heat quicker in their cursed forms. But Ryoga especially had a problem with summer barbecues.
Sometimes Ranma counted himself lucky for getting the curse he did.
"Hello! Is anyone home?" Nodoka Saotome's voice came from the door.
And sometimes he didn't. This was going to be one of those times.
Splash! The koi went airborne as Genma cannonballed into the pond.
"Oh hello, Ranko. Is anyone else in the house?"
"Good afternoon, Auntie," Ranma-chan answered wistfully. Once again she must maintain her secret from someone who would otherwise love her unconditionally. "They're all out. Uncle Soun's at a ward council meeting. Kasumi-neechan went to the market And Nabiki took Akane shopping for new bathing suits. They plan to catch a movie afterwards."
"And are Ranma or my husband here?" Nodoka asked hopefully.
"No," the regret was more noticeable this time. "Uncle Genma took Ranma on another training trip for the summer break. Nobody knows where they went or when they'll return." Ranma-chan lowered her eyes, reluctant to face her mother with yet another lie.
Nodoka caught the tone of regret in Ranma-chan's voice. She also took note of her posture and came to some tentative conclusions. She probed carefully to confirm her hypothesis.
"And why didn't you go out yourself, Ranko-chan?"
Ranma-chan couldn't tell Nodoka that she - then a he - had wanted to accompany the sisters on their shopping trip. Akane had put her foot down and declared that there was no way that any BOY would join them in their search for the perfect swimsuit. He had pointed out that any swimsuit he bought would of necessity have to be purchased as a GIRL. He had also mentioned that he really needed a new swimsuit. Perhaps he shouldn't have explained that the letters B and Y printed on his favorite "BOY" one-piece were becoming harder to read and that the suit itself was getting somewhat harder to breathe in. He definitely shouldn't have offered to give it to her in case she couldn't find one that suited her. He really didn't expect Akane to cry out 'Pervert!' slap him and storm-off just for that. How was he to know Akane hated being offered hand-me-downs?
"Aka-- I just didn't feel like going, Auntie," she answered.
"I see." Nodoka sat beside the young girl and gently took her hands. "You and Akane-chan have been fighting, haven't you, Ranko-chan?" she gently inquired.
Ranma-chan quickly looked up with guilt-stricken eyes. She couldn't understand how Kasumi, Nabiki and now her own mother see through her so easily.
Nodoka nodded to herself in confirmation as she took note of a faint palm-shaped bruise on Ranko's left cheek. She guessed that Ranko was wondering how she so easily saw through her denial. "Were you two fighting about Ranma again, dear?"
She took Ranko's stammering and big-sweating as confirmation.
"I'm neither blind nor deaf, Ranko-chan," she chuckled. "I've seen and heard how you and Akane interact whenever I visit. Don't think I've failed to notice how quickly you defend my son whenever Akane or anybody else mentions anything that puts him in a poor light."
Ranma-chan was tongue-tied. How could she explain to her mother that she HAD to defend herself... himself... (whatever!)... against all of those inaccurate statements and false accusations. Especially when she couldn't even reveal himself to her! She went deep into thought to try and answer this.
"...so sweet that you always come to my son's defense. He's so lucky to have found a friend like you. It's too bad that you and Akane-chan don't seem to agree on..." Nodoka continued.
It's not like I don't want to tell her, Ranma-chan thought to herself. It's just that I CAN'T tell her. Pops may be an idiot, but even he doesn't deserve having his head chopped-off because of the curses...
"...know Genma and Soun made that pledge before we were married. But still it's a pity that they promised to join the Schools instead of the clans..." Nodoka went on.
...what's worse is how I've been lying to Momma all this time! What kinda 'man among men' lies to his own mother?
"...really makes no difference as you are a martial artist as well as a daughter of the Tendo clan..."
...gotta be a way to cure this curse and reveal myself to Momma without having her kill me for lyin' to her...
"...finish training, you can then qualify under the terms of the pledge..."
I only hope that she won't be disappointed in me for hidin' from her...
"...and if you and Akane-chan can settle your arguments, you can each try to be my son's fiancÃ©e. Or better yet..."
"It does not matter," Ranma-chan started to whisper softly. "I would disappoint myself if I did not try and tell her the truth..."
"...know that you and Akane-chan think of each other as more than just cousins. I've seen the looks you give each other when no one else..."
"...no matter the result, it would be the RIGHT thing to do..."
"...don't want to just be a mistress, why not share and be a co-wife? I'm sure we could hold the ceremonies in some country that..."
"...the right thing to do IS the 'manly' thing to do. And if I have to die to do the right thing..." Ranma-chan's voice started to rise.
"So what do you say, Ranko-chan? Would you like to try for my son's hand?" Nodoka finished, finally paying attention to Ranma-chan.
"...I WILL!" Ranma-chan loudly declared with a determined gleam.
Thud! The sound of Genma-panda collapsing in a massive facefault drew Nodoka's attention from her manly son's new iinazuke as well as drew said iinazuke's attention back to reality.
"Tadaima!" Kasumi called out as she entered the hallway. "Oh my!" she exclaimed as she reached the engawa. "What happened here?"
Kasumi was giggling as she greeted Nabiki and Akane on their return.
"What's so funny, Kasumi?" Akane inquired.
"Oh my, Akane. It would appear that you have some new competition for Ranma-kun."
"What! I'll kill that pervert!"
"What did Genma do now, sis?" Nabiki sighed.
"Oh it wasn't Uncle Saotome, Nabiki. It was Auntie Nodoka and Ranma himself."
"I knew it! Oooh, I am so going to kill that pervert!"
"Who is she, Kasumi? Do we know anything about her?"
"I should think so, Nabiki. After all she IS our cousin..."
"Wh-- What do you mean, Kasumi?"
"I mean, Akane, that Ranma-kun's latest fiancÃ©e is none other than our 'cousin' Ranko Tendo herself."
"BWAHAHAHA! That's a good one, Kasumi! You really had me going there for a minute."
"That's not a nice thing to do, Kasumi. You shouldn't make jokes like that!"
"Oh it wasn't a joke, Akane.
"Auntie Nodoka arrived over an hour ago. She asked 'Ranko' if she wanted to take your place as the Tendo fiancÃ©e or be your co-wife when you marry Ranma-kun. 'Ranko' agreed."
"Kami," Nabiki whispered. "Either he's a genius or he really IS a pervert!"
In the furoba, Genma was berating his only offspring. He wasn't doing a very good job of it.
/Jussst wat did yu tink yoo wer do in, boy?/
After his collapse, Nodoka - thinking that Mr. Panda was suffering from heat prostration - had insisted that he be brought to the furo to cool off. She was due back any minute; so Genma was forced to remain in panda form, hence the signs.
/oH y waz I curst 2 hab such a warthlezz sun /?/
Nodoka was not much of a zoologist. All she knew was that pandas were some kind of bear.
/Haw cooed yew dew dis 2 yore p00r phader?/
She wasn't sure what kind of bear exactly, but she knew what to do for someone who had overheated.
/Da list yew kud du is gib mi sum hat wasser./
She figured a little more of the same wouldn't hurt. They lived on the stuff after all.
/Hut washer!/ Genma signed from the furo now overflowing in ice.
Nodoka obviously didn't know the difference between pandas and polar bears.
/|-|37p |\/|3, 801. 1'|\/| phr345i|\|6!!1!/
Ranma was of no help. Not only did his mind shutdown after he'd mentally replayed Nodoka's monologue and his reply; shivering had also made Genma-panda's scribbles nigh incomprehensible.
Yes, Ranma was leet-illiterate.
Over in the living room, Akane was trying to 'reason' with her possibly-ex-fiancÃ©'s mother. She was having questionable success.
"Really, Akane-san. You can't expect me to not look out for my own son's interests." Nodoka stated primly.
"B-- But, Auntie! You can't do this, I'm Ranma's fiancÃ©e!"
"And you have already passed your engagement to your sister once before. Why not to your cousin?"
"Why should I pass the engagement to Ranko?"
"Ranko-chan is always defending Ranma whenever SOMEBODY bad-mouths him. It's quite obvious to me that she harbors some feelings for Ranma. You on the other hand have always seemed confused about your role as my son's future wife."
"Co-- Confused, Auntie? What do you mean?"
"I mean, Akane-san, that while you claim to be Ranma's fiancÃ©e, you have also declared that you do not wish to marry him. And when I arrived this afternoon I found evidence that your disagreement with your cousin who DOES wish to marry my son has now taken a turn for the physical." Nodoka frowned at Akane in rebuke.
"..." Akane bowed her head. I didn't mean to slap Ranma. I had no right to get angry at him over the swimsuit; I had lent it to him in the first place. I only got angry because I thought he was teasing me for having a smaller chest than him... than her. Why? Why is it so hard for me to control myself when I'm around that... that... She started to shake.
Taking Akane's trembling to be a sign of remorse, Nodoka decided to show some pity. "I will not make a final decision at this time, Akane-chan. I shall leave that up to my son. I only hope that you can make up your own mind about what sort of relationship, if any, you wish to have with my son."
Akane looked up with relief. While she was not completely comfortable with marrying Ranma this soon; in her heart of hearts neither did she really object. We have been through so much together. And sometimes he can really be so sweet. Like when we were coming home from Ryugenzawa...
"Th-- Thank you, Aun..."
"Of course," Nodoka mused, "the best possibility would be for BOTH you and your cousin to share my son..." Her gaze returned to Akane's, she smiled at the shock she saw.
"Oh don't be so uptight, Akane-chan. I've seen the glances you and Ranko-chan cast each other when the other's not looking. I must admit that it's not unusual to see cousins expressing an incestuous interest, but to discover bisexuality and incest at such an early age!" She frowned.
"That IS the case is it not, Akane? I would be disappointed if the reason you disagree so much with Ranma and Ranko is because she's become bisexual and you wish to remain a lesbian."
Akane was thrown off-balance by Nodoka's question. She ignored the proposed polygamy and zeroed in on the issue of her sexual orientation. "I'm not a lesbian!"
"That's wonderful!" Nodoka cheered. "It's great that you've moved on in your relationship with your cousin and my son. To tell the truth all those stories of how you used to run to school every morning shouting 'I hate boys!' over and over disturbed me. I'm glad Ranma will have two bisexual wives. As manly as he undoubtedly is, like any other man, he will require time to prepare to re-climb to the clouds and rain for the second, third or seventh time. At least you and Ranko-chan can keep each other entertained while Ranma recuperates..."
Akane tuned out Nodoka's rant as she tried to figure out how an attempt to rescue the Tendo-Saotome pledge turned into first a discussion of her being a lesbian then into having a bisexual incestuous relationship with her cousin... who didn't really exist!
Kami, is this what happened to Ranma earlier? Is this what happens to Ranma all the time? Now I can see how all those things can happen to him.
I lo-- lo-- like Ranma. I like him lots! I don' t know why our fathers keep insisting that we get married so quickly. There are so many things we' ll have to do, to plan, to talk about, to think over before we can ever go that far.
...I can't even admit that I might love that baka. Kami, does he even love me? ...does he even l-- like me? Would he want he want to spend the rest of his life with me?
Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? ...with HER? ... ... ...
Could I really have sex with him as a her?
Auntie seems to think I'm capable of it... She might not even let me stay with him unless I am... And she doesn't even know they're the same person!
And he is... isn't he? Boy or girl... it's still Ranma.
Can I really do this?
Just outside the living room Nabiki listened and pondered. The longer she mulled it over the more Nabiki was convinced that Ranma had been deliberately playing the fool until he could resolve his fiancÃ©e problems. And what better way to resolve them than to have his mother persuade all his fiances into agreeing to a group marriage?
Nabiki was wondering if she could have been played. She had always thought that Ranma was an idiot. Handsome and well-built - true, but an idiot nonetheless. Of course, his curse was a bit off-putting, but she could easily see the man hiding in a woman's eyes.
Not that she would have necessarily turned down a little 'fun' with Ranma's girl form. After all once she had perused the prominent protuberance on her purported playto-- fiancÃ©'s pectoral region at their first meeting, she became immediately intrigued enough to investigate its identity. In fact she had been so intrigued that once she had the chance she copped her chest to compare the consistency of the contralateral C-cup.
Not that she was a lesbian! No. Nabiki had a definite interest in Ranma's male form. Ranma was such a deep sleeper that it was easy to pose him for photographs in either form. Over half the photos she kept in her secret, private stash did not require any cold water to prepare for.
What pictures she did sell from that collection were easily her most profitable. She would have sold them to the Kunos, but there was the danger of Ranma finding out about them. Thankfully she didn't have to. Some gaijin girl named Michelle, who came over from Niiza-ku in the neighboring Saitama Prefecture twice a month, paid top price for centerfold-quality pictures of Ranma-kun. She said that they were 'Very fappable'. Her brother Mike said the same thing about his copies of Ranma-chan's pictures. Nabiki wasn't exactly sure what that meant; it must be slang for 'excellent'. She really should ask Ms. Hinako what it meant when school resumed.
But as attractive as Ranma was in either form, that was insufficient to hold Nabiki's affection... attention... whatever! Her mind was Nabiki's largest erogenous zone, and eye-candy remained just that. Nabiki was saving her first romp in the futon with someone who could stimulate her mind and not just her body.
After his first week with them Ranma's name had quickly been removed from her shortlist of possible bedmates. And she was glad to have done so. Ranma-kun's difficulty in dealing with Tatewaki Kuno's infatuation with Ranma-chan spoke poorly of his mental abilities. She herself admittedly had a hand in fueling Kuno's delusions, but come on! How hard could it be to make the 'True Blunder' do what you wanted? She had been doing just that since Middle School.
There had been times when Nabiki had wondered at the spotty glimpses of Ranma's intelligence. 'Pretending' to use magic to change into a girl when he dueled Mousse while he was locked with the 'Cat's tongue' first seemed like a brilliant ploy... Until it became obvious that he had neglected to take his shortened limbs into account. Not to mention the lechery of his schoolmates.
She was also concerned when she overheard him plotting to get even with her for what he went through as her 'fiancÃ©'. But when she learned that this 'great revenge' consisted of confessing his love for her in public, she had found it pathetic and gratefully passed the engagement back to Akane at a sizable discount.
She may have been lucky at that. Had she remained his fiancÃ©e what would have been her fate? Regularly fighting-off Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi. Constantly running interference with Tate-baka and Ryoga. Dealing with the embarrassing situations Akane got into. Getting kidnapped by Taro, Lime, Kirin and Toma. Running the gauntlet in the 'Cave of Lost Loves'. Pretending to be Ryu's fiancÃ©e. Being possessed by a doll, by a dougi...
Kami, that revenge would have been PERFECT!
Ranma IS a genius! He saw how all the girls tried to keep on Auntie's good side and manipulated things so that they wouldn't refuse her anything. Then he convinces Auntie that 'Ranko' is in love with both Akane and Ranma, and gets Auntie to switch the engagement over to 'her'.
Baby-sister will either have to put up or drop out. She'll either have to admit she loves Ranma and acknowledge that she'll have to have sex with both his forms, or pass him off to his girl form. Since I had Daddy put Ranko in the clan registry he can even legally marry herself. That will even take care of any other engagements Genma has left over.
A quickie divorce later and he can go with either Ukyo or Shampoo... or both! Both of them are getting desperate enough to agree to anything. Besides, I honestly don't think that Shampoo would reject the idea. And Ukyo's been living as a male for long enough to...
But Daddy will never go for it. If Akane balks, he'll insist that either nee-san or I step forward. Hmmm...
He IS a hunk... AND a babe!
And he's got skills too! Those massages he pays for those kissing lessons with! Mmmm, heavenly. Waitaminute...
Those kisses! Nabiki mentally hit herself on the head. Mister 'don't see what the big deal is' my foot! I barely showed him how to kiss without holding his breath. Where did he learn to French kiss and nibble like he did last week?!
He DID play me! (Glurkle) Kami, that makes me so hot!
Perhaps we should excuse Nabiki. She had just entered her senior year and had nothing to look forward to but juku to fill her lonely nights. The idea that the resident hunk/babe was not only a player but an unacknowledged strategic genius just jingled the right keys to unlock her lonely heart. There were few things more powerful than teenage hormones about to run wild.
"...can really say that our families' pledge is open to any Tendo daughter who would want to marry my son. As Ranko-chan has already declared her willingness to not only marry Ranma, but also to accept other co-wives the question you should answer is: Are you willing to share my son with each other?"
Akane sat up straight, took a deep breath and declared, "I a..."
Nodoka and Akane turned towards the door. They beheld Nabiki standing between the shogi, her chest was heaving and her eyes gleamed.
"Well done, Akane-chan, Nabiki-chan!" Oh, I'll soon have sooo many grandbabies!
A/N: This chapter is longer than I'd planned on and the SL characters are barely mentioned. I just felt that after introducing the Shibatas, I should show why fanon Nodoka made me think of doing this crossover in the first place.
I also felt sorry for Akane's portrayal in some of the fics I've been reading and wanted to put her in one of Ranma's situations for a change. Let's see how she likes THAT!
The kissing mentioned in Nabiki's scene is inspired by the first chapter of Hawk's 'Sex Ed with Sensei Tendo Nabiki' but does not follow from that story.
This story is previewed on Hawk's forum - TFF. My thanks go again to everyone there and on FFN who commented and reviewed.