Categories > Original > Humor > Five Minute Soap Dish
Week 20
"Well that's it for us at the chaos hour. So to all four of you listening, come back next week if you haven't found anything more interesting to do. Until then, it's-"
Nick failed to notice Kelly gesturing wildly at her watch, but Steve didn't, and cut in.
"How come I don't ever get to say good night first?" Steve asked into the microphone as he pointed to Kelly.
Nick nodded before continuing, "Because I have the cool yet commanding tones of a young FDR, whereas you...well, you're voice is more reminiscent of a St Kilda prostitute. On a related note, I spoke to your mother the other day. She seems well."
"Oh, quit being so elitist, Nick. How do we know that a voice akin to a prostitute will not be as calming to people as FDR. After all, people get intimidated by the greatness of FDR-they don't get ashamed when confronted by a prostitute," Steve explained, "Except maybe for Jenny the Judgemental Prostitute."
"Let's not start talking about your ex-wife. Listen, Steve, people tune in for me. You should be happy people get to hear your name at all. I mean, they hardly know that Gia exists," Steve explained, then added quickly, "Gia provides a great deal of help with all female characters, an invaluable contribution for any radio program."
"Hi y'all," Gia said into the microphone.
"Thankyou Gia," Steve said, noticing Kelly give them a wind-it-up signal, "Well, if we're done here?"
"If you've dropped this, then we're done," Nick answered.
"Great. So it's goodbye from me, Steve Bardwell-"
"Why you jumped up little-"
"And goodbye from him, Nick Thompson. And now, an hour of chanting."
Kelly's voice soon came through their headpieces, "Three-two-one, and we're out. Congratulations people, you've successfully filled an annoying gap."
Nick puled off his headphones and got up to leave, "Yet another piece of comedy gold, left unheard. Makes me wonder why I bother. Then I quit whining and just get on with it."
He opened the door into Kelly's control room, and whispered, "Go now?"
She shook her head, whispering, "Delay them. Start a conversation to keep them busy."
Back in the recording booth, Steve started, "Did you have to mention Gia, though? Now everyone will want us to mention her each time, and suddenly our credits get longer and longer."
"What's wrong with mentioning me?" Gia asked, "I work here as much as you two do. Turn up earlier than you usually as well."
Kelly and Nick grinned. Conversation had been started. Slowly they crept to leave the building, leaving Steve and Gia in the recording booth.
"It's not that I've got a problem with you individually being mentioned. It's just that when we keep it to just Nick and me, it's nice, and concise. If we mentioned your name, we'd have to mention everyone else involved with the show."
"Oh!" Gia said in feigned shock, "You mean, we might mention Kelly as well? Oh the horror, the humanity. Two extra names will be mentioned at the end of each program. How will our two listeners cope?"
"Don't be so melodramatic!" Steve said with a sneer, "We'd have to mention other people who give help. The guys who lend us the equipment, the owners of the studio-you mention it. Soon, we'll be thanking the tram drivers who gave Nick a ride here."
Gia's eyebrows clenched, "You're honestly comparing the work Kelly and I do to a tram driver's job! Have you told Kelly you think this way?"
"No I-" Steve began, then looked around, "Hey, where is Kelly? Or Nick for that matter?"
Gia left the recording booth, followed by Steve, entering Kelly's control room. On her control desk was stuck a piece of paper with a note in Kelly's handwriting: You're locked in here until you sort out your differences, or next week. We hope you'll cope. P.S. Don't fucking touch the controls
Steve ran to the entry door, pushing it with all its might but it wouldn't budge. Gia moved for her bag, pulling out her mobile phone.
"We're definitely stuck," Steve said.
"No shit," Gia said, "I'll call Mark, and he'll get us out soon enough."
"Forget it. We're under a radio transmitter. Your signal will be interfered with, or destroy an aeroplane or something. We're stuck here until someone comes to save us."
Gia slumped down in the control room chair, "Oh well, I guess Kelly and Nick will come to their senses soon enough, and come back to let us out. They wouldn't keep us locked in forever like some terrible sitcom cliché. We'll just have to keep ourselves occupied until then."
"Mm," Steve agreed, then pointing at Gia, "But just to be clear, we're not having sex."
"What? I never-"
"Sure...'keep ourselves occupied' didn't mean anything. I believe you. I'm just saying that we're not having sex as a completely unrelated topic."
"I have a boyfriend," Gia insisted.
"And I have a girlfriend. Two if you think about it. So, now we understand that there won't be sex, we can definitely keep each other occupied, in ways not including sex."
Gia groaned and grabbed her mobile phone again.
"What are you doing? I told you that won't work."
"It's worth a try!" she shouted.
"Well that's it for us at the chaos hour. So to all four of you listening, come back next week if you haven't found anything more interesting to do. Until then, it's-"
Nick failed to notice Kelly gesturing wildly at her watch, but Steve didn't, and cut in.
"How come I don't ever get to say good night first?" Steve asked into the microphone as he pointed to Kelly.
Nick nodded before continuing, "Because I have the cool yet commanding tones of a young FDR, whereas you...well, you're voice is more reminiscent of a St Kilda prostitute. On a related note, I spoke to your mother the other day. She seems well."
"Oh, quit being so elitist, Nick. How do we know that a voice akin to a prostitute will not be as calming to people as FDR. After all, people get intimidated by the greatness of FDR-they don't get ashamed when confronted by a prostitute," Steve explained, "Except maybe for Jenny the Judgemental Prostitute."
"Let's not start talking about your ex-wife. Listen, Steve, people tune in for me. You should be happy people get to hear your name at all. I mean, they hardly know that Gia exists," Steve explained, then added quickly, "Gia provides a great deal of help with all female characters, an invaluable contribution for any radio program."
"Hi y'all," Gia said into the microphone.
"Thankyou Gia," Steve said, noticing Kelly give them a wind-it-up signal, "Well, if we're done here?"
"If you've dropped this, then we're done," Nick answered.
"Great. So it's goodbye from me, Steve Bardwell-"
"Why you jumped up little-"
"And goodbye from him, Nick Thompson. And now, an hour of chanting."
Kelly's voice soon came through their headpieces, "Three-two-one, and we're out. Congratulations people, you've successfully filled an annoying gap."
Nick puled off his headphones and got up to leave, "Yet another piece of comedy gold, left unheard. Makes me wonder why I bother. Then I quit whining and just get on with it."
He opened the door into Kelly's control room, and whispered, "Go now?"
She shook her head, whispering, "Delay them. Start a conversation to keep them busy."
Back in the recording booth, Steve started, "Did you have to mention Gia, though? Now everyone will want us to mention her each time, and suddenly our credits get longer and longer."
"What's wrong with mentioning me?" Gia asked, "I work here as much as you two do. Turn up earlier than you usually as well."
Kelly and Nick grinned. Conversation had been started. Slowly they crept to leave the building, leaving Steve and Gia in the recording booth.
"It's not that I've got a problem with you individually being mentioned. It's just that when we keep it to just Nick and me, it's nice, and concise. If we mentioned your name, we'd have to mention everyone else involved with the show."
"Oh!" Gia said in feigned shock, "You mean, we might mention Kelly as well? Oh the horror, the humanity. Two extra names will be mentioned at the end of each program. How will our two listeners cope?"
"Don't be so melodramatic!" Steve said with a sneer, "We'd have to mention other people who give help. The guys who lend us the equipment, the owners of the studio-you mention it. Soon, we'll be thanking the tram drivers who gave Nick a ride here."
Gia's eyebrows clenched, "You're honestly comparing the work Kelly and I do to a tram driver's job! Have you told Kelly you think this way?"
"No I-" Steve began, then looked around, "Hey, where is Kelly? Or Nick for that matter?"
Gia left the recording booth, followed by Steve, entering Kelly's control room. On her control desk was stuck a piece of paper with a note in Kelly's handwriting: You're locked in here until you sort out your differences, or next week. We hope you'll cope. P.S. Don't fucking touch the controls
Steve ran to the entry door, pushing it with all its might but it wouldn't budge. Gia moved for her bag, pulling out her mobile phone.
"We're definitely stuck," Steve said.
"No shit," Gia said, "I'll call Mark, and he'll get us out soon enough."
"Forget it. We're under a radio transmitter. Your signal will be interfered with, or destroy an aeroplane or something. We're stuck here until someone comes to save us."
Gia slumped down in the control room chair, "Oh well, I guess Kelly and Nick will come to their senses soon enough, and come back to let us out. They wouldn't keep us locked in forever like some terrible sitcom cliché. We'll just have to keep ourselves occupied until then."
"Mm," Steve agreed, then pointing at Gia, "But just to be clear, we're not having sex."
"What? I never-"
"Sure...'keep ourselves occupied' didn't mean anything. I believe you. I'm just saying that we're not having sex as a completely unrelated topic."
"I have a boyfriend," Gia insisted.
"And I have a girlfriend. Two if you think about it. So, now we understand that there won't be sex, we can definitely keep each other occupied, in ways not including sex."
Gia groaned and grabbed her mobile phone again.
"What are you doing? I told you that won't work."
"It's worth a try!" she shouted.
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