sunshine, male logic, female logic and anything in between.
The only one who was ignoring me and avoiding my efforts to help was Gerard.
It hurt me so much, I felt like every time he ignored me someone poked my heart with a sharp needle, burning little wounds.
I tried to be brave for him, show him I'm always there for him but he ignored my efforts.
I tried to reason with myself over and over again, he's in shock, he's grieving.
But then a little voice inside my head teased me, so is Mikey but he grew even closer to you.
It brought tears to my eyes, he doesn't love me enough to trust me with his pain, true feeling usually show up at times like these and so did his feelings.
You're a selfish bitch, another little voice cried inside my head, everything has to evolve around your little world, isn't it?! He's in so much pain but you don't care because he's not paying attention to you? Admit it, even the good things you do is because of your selfish nature, you want people to always notice you, always think good of you. You'll do anything to get their attention, no matter what the cost, selfish little bitch.
That was my internal dialog these days, and it killed me inside.
"Gerard are you drunk?", I sniffed his coat after he got back with Frank from somewhere.
He didn't answer, just walked past me to the basement.
I followed him, "Gerard talk to me".
"I want to be alone, can I please be alone?", he stumbled out of his jacket.
"Gerard, please", I grabbed his arm.
"I want to be alone!", he jerked his arm from my grip, "Fucking leave me alone".
Tears welled in my eyes and I stormed off.
He didn't even follow me or tried to stop me, he just let me go.
I found Frankie in the living room, sitting on the edge of the sofa.
I collapsed on the sofa next to him.
He wiped my tears away, "Want to get some fresh air?".
"In Jersey?", I sniffled.
"We'll take what we can get, sunshine", he brushed away the hair that was stuck to my wet face.
I ran upstairs to get my coat from Mikey's room.
Frank and I walked in silence for a while, we linked our arms, we were an odd pair, I was a few inches taller than him.
"He doesn't love me anymore", I sighed.
"Sunshine, of course he does", he tugged on my arm gently.
"He's been pushing me away constantly for the past days", I hung my head in sadness.
"He does it cause he loves you", Frankie leaned his head on my shoulder.
"It doesn't make any sense", I kept my gaze steady on the road ahead.
"That's male logic for you", he shrugged, "Not that your female shit is any better".
"But sunshine, if you care about a person, you trust them with your pain", I exclaimed softly.
"Not if you're a guy named Gerard", he cocked his head to the left.
"I don't get it, I mean, I'm supposed to get it but I really don't", I threw my hands in the air.
"He's protecting you!", Frankie pulled me over to the other side of the street, "At least that's what he think he does. He's always trying to be brave for you, to show you that he's worthy, that he's not a wuss. He always tries to shield you from anything, always try to live up to things he thinks you expect from him, he always tried to impress you, ever since he met you and you didn't notice so he figured he's not worthy of you and it stuck, you know what I'm saying?".
I frowned, "You think?".
"I know!", he nodded.
"How do I change that?", I felt like crying again, I was so frustrated.
"Just keep being there for him, he'll get it eventually, just have patience sunshine, lots of it", he stopped to lit a cigarette, "Don't ever let go sunshine or he'll never get it".
I watched him shield the lighter from the wind that came out of nowhere, "What if he won't?".
"We'll kick his fucking ass", Frankie smirked.
I linked my arm with his again, "Does he even know I love him?"
Frank nodded, "He just believes he doesn't deserve it".
I shook my head and looked back to the direction from which we came.
"Do you remember how every time you had a row with your mom, you used to say that part of you was dying?", Frank took a drag from the cigarette and blew it against the wind.
I nodded, studying his face.
"What did you want someone to do to make you feel better?", he stared at me.
I frowned, not getting the message behind the question.
"Just work me, it's the male logic thing again", he smiled.
"I don't know, a hug and a promise that everything is alright?", I asked more than answered.
"Ever tried that with Gerard?", he pulled me around the corner, "Or just reasoned with him like you always do?".
"I'm not good with the emotional shit", I whined.
"That we know but Gerard needs that", he took another drag.
He was right, I never actually tried that, it looked good in movies but I never tried to actually do it, I always reasoned with him and tried to explain everything logically, I felt uncomfortable with all the touchy feely shit.
"You are able to do it with Mikey though why not with Gee?", Frank wondered.
"I don't know, he's Mikey, he's my best friend, I'm not in love with him", I tried to explain.
Frank just frowned at me, "That's outta be the female logic cause it doesn't make any fucking sense".
I sighed, "Where have you been anyway?".
Frankie was silent, avoiding my stares, "Promise to keep it a secret?".
"I was picking Gerard from the bar", he said quietly as though he's afraid someone would hear.
"So he was drinking again", I exclaimed.
"A secret, remember?", Frankie stopped and looked me in the eyes.
I shrugged, "Yeah".
We walked in silence again, I don't know where we were going or whether we were actually going somewhere but I began to feel better and the painful stinging sensation in my throat was dissolving away when Frank's words echoed in my head.
"I think you should come on tour with us for a while", Frank said slowly, "Just for a while".
"Why?", I wrinkled my nose.
"Gerard's going through a lot of shit right not and I think Helena's death will only make it worse", he froze on the spot, staring at me.
"Make what worse?", I zipped up my jacket, the wind blew the shit out of me.
"His drinking shit", he studied my face, "He's not doing well at all. 90 per cent of the time he's drunk shitless".
"I didn't know that", I narrowed my eyes.
"Yeah it's a secret too, protection and shit", he kicked a rock in the opposite direction.
"Oh Frank, I'm a big girl. Why do you always feel like you have to fucking protect me?", I rolled my eyes.
He just shrugged, "You're our sunshine, if we don't who will?".
"I will!", I pouted.
"Anyway, it's up to you but I think it would do him good", he started walking again.
"I guess I can, it's the summer anyway", I mused to myself, "Can you believe I finished my second year in collage? And I didn't think I could manage a day there", I remembered my first day and it made me think of Billy, I haven't heard anything from him for over a year now and Spencer lost contact with him too, so his family was as clueless as I was about what happened to him.
"Can you believe we have a CD?", Frank smiled wildly, "Would you believed that if someone told you that what will happen two years from now".
I shook my head, "I would've laughed at them actually"
"Well, thanks for the confidence", he punched my arm playfully.