Can you hear me? Are you near me? Can we pretend To leave? And then We'll meet again.
A sad feeling ruled the cold church that day, people tried to fake a smile because they all knew that the woman they came to say goodbye today wouldn't want them to cry for her, she wanted them to smile for her, she always did.
She would always made us smile no matter how bad things were.
A bruised knee? A wounded heart? She'll make it all go away. For her children, for her children's friends, for her grandchildren, for her grandchildren friends.
I sat on a wooden church bench between Ray and Frank, they came to pay their respects too along with Bob.
In front of us sat the closest family, many people came over to wish them well and console them.
Throughout all the ceremony, I was spacing in and out, one moment there was a priest at the little podium then I spaced out, then someone else was on the podium and I spaced out, the next time I tuned in Gerard was on the podium, I rubbed my eyes to see if I was seeing right.
Gerard was shuffling some papers and cleared out his voice, "My name is Gerard Way and I came to pay my final respect to my grandma today. Many of you knew her and loved her", he cleared his voice again, "I'm not good at speeches or with formal shit".
Some people chuckled and whispered.
"That's OK my grandma didn't like my language either", he looked around, "But what I wanted to say is that I love her, I loved her, and I will love her, her memory will be forever present in my heart and in yours too, I'm sure", he concentrated at some point above people's heads, "I remember a lot of lessons she taught me, a lot of memories of her smile and kind words. She taught me in many ways how to be a better man but one particular lesson I remember is when she told me to follow my heart and since then I tried to use that advice in everything I do in my life. You see when I was about 13 years old I fell in love with my brothers best friend".
I shifted in my seat, I felt my cheeks burn.
Gerard didn't even look at me, "She was like a sister to both Mikey and I and it felt wrong to love her like I did. So I picked on her", he smiled, "One day I pulled her hair so hard she stormed out of our house and vowed to not set foot in our house ever again. Idiot, she called me".
Some people laughed.
"I was heart broken, so my grandma looked me straight in eye and told me something I will never forget, she said always follow your heart. And the reason I remembered this lesson so well was because she always followed it, always set an example to what she preached, and she never preached she just set up an example", he cough, "And that's what my grandma always did, she always followed her heart, she had a good heart, it was worth following".
He stepped off the podium and returned to his seat, not even casting a glance in my direction.
After the ceremony and after they put the casket in the ground I couldn't find Gerard anywhere, I looked around the church, but when I didn't find him I decided to look on the grounds.
I found him on his knees by the fresh grave.
He was weeping, it broke my heart but Franks words rung in my ears, 'He needs it, just a hug and a promise that everything will be alright. Lots of patience sunshine, lots of it'.
I knelt next to him, he looked up and automatically tried to wipe his tears away.
I stopped him, "Don't do it. Don't be brave, just cry"
He pulled me in for the most bone crushing hug and wept on my shoulders, I rubbed his back and tried to promise him everything will be alright like Frank said.
We sat there for the rest of the day, Gerard had his meltdown, I was scared shit less.
It was the pattern in our relationship, and I couldn't believe everyone but me noticed it.
He WAS the brave one, he WAS always protecting me without me noticing, he HAD a lot of issues I wasn't aware of, a LOT of issues I was kept in the dark about.
And now that we were finally equal in our relationship, I felt the weight of all of that on my shoulders.
It was hard!
I realized I was living in my little bubble, having a relationship that wasn't really real in terms of what really happened.
It was like a little dream, a little illusion Gerard was making for me, maintained it so I wouldn't get hurt, and the wakening from that illusion was harder than I thought, it was like floating, believing you can actually fly and then falling flat on your ass.
Even now I'm trying to phrase it nicely, wrap it in a pretty wrapper so I wouldn't have to face the whole truth.
Gerard lied to me about his problems or at least didn't tell the whole truth.
I was the one to blame, I was forcing him to do that because I was difficult like that, I wanted a happy fairy tale and I choose to ignore the facts and forced him to believe that the only way he could have me is if he's prince charming.
And because Gerard was wonderful he tried to maintain my little fantasy, going through everything alone just so I could really have my fantasy.
I was awful, selfish and childish person and he took it as part of the package because he loved me but I forced him to change, to lie, to sneak around, to tell me the reality I would like to hear, to know, to live.
I thought that pretending to be a big girl really would make me a big girl, it didn't.
I drove Gerard insane, I made him keep everything to himself.
Dwell in his sorrow, in his depression.
I blamed myself for his drinking, he said it wasn't my fault and we ended up both crying.
This was a wake up call, I think that day I really saw Gerard for who he was, he was loving, caring and fragile, he was smart, cleaver, but he had his weakness. He was brave yet scared.
He was a beautiful human being and I could find that out only after I saw him break down and show ALL his colors not just the ones he though I would like to see.
I let go of my fairy tale, I always thought of myself as someone who seen all the ugly sides of life, turned out that numbed the feelings in me, that's why I couldn't bring myself to be soft with him. Always logic and reason, facts and figures.
I think we grew closer that day but I expected life to get rougher, my fairy tale wasn't always peachy, can you imagine what real life must be like?.