Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > And I'm Telling You I'm A Fake
Author's Note: I'm currently running on a lovely zero hours sleep and I'm tired so I apologize for any grammatical/spelling errors that my spell check neglected to pick up because my mental spell check needs sleep to function and it's currently fueled by nothing. How bad did I want to write fueled by ramen then? Pretty bad.
Anyway, on with the story. I feel I went a little around in circles in this chapter, like a conscience tug-of-war but it's leading on to something more progressive, I promise.
Also, anyone who didn't want this to be and is under the impression that I'm writing this as a Ryden story now shouldn't assume because I'm very much leaving all of my options open.
And now I'm rambling, proof of my lack of sleep. At least insomnia gives me time to write, I guess.
As always, please review. I appreciate every single review.
(Wow every sentence in my authors notes started with an 'a' ;P )
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Ryan bolted through the mansion and out into the car-crowded street. When he reached the road he just stood helplessly, unsure where he had ever intended to go.
He pulled off his blonde wig violently and thrust it to the ground in a fit of frustration. No one was around to see his little outburst, only the streetlights watched his breakdown with their winking broken-bulb eyes.
"Ryan!" He heard Parker call out from somewhere behind him.
"What? What do you fucking want?" He screamed. "I already said I was sorry. It was a mistake!"
Parker walked as quickly as she could manage to where he stood on the far side of the road. In her arms she held a bundle of clothes and over her shoulder was a loose black messenger bag.
"Ryan, I'm not here to interrogate you, scream at you or get angry. Fuck, I know better then that." She said, trying to keep a calm and level head about this whole situation despite the raging emotions that were trying to wreak havoc inside her. She wouldn't let them. Not a situation like this would allow her to lose control.
"Oh." Ryan said quietly. He realized that a steady trickle of tears had escaped his eyes and snaked their way down his cheek so he quickly wiped them away, smearing the caked-on make up out of place.
"Look, I brought you some clothes. I didn't think you'd want to be wearing that for the rest of the night." She said softly, nodding towards his hitched up skirt and crumpled shirt.
She held out the bundle of clothing in her arms for him to take and he did.
He ran a hand over the soft fabric of the purple hoodie that sat on top of the bundle of clothes, just underneath a pair of slip on Vans.
"Thanks Parker." He said, managing a grateful yet apologetic smile. He had honestly expected her to scream as many obscenities as she could muster at him not hand him clothes that would allow him to escape the disaster of this night.
"It's okay." She simply said. She said it in such a way that Ryan felt like she was telling him that everything was okay between them, not just replying to his thanks for his new guise.
"Do you want to talk, Ryan?" She offered quietly.
He nodded, still clutching the clothes to his chest. "Yeah."
"Okay, look, the car's just over there." She pointed to a black SUV parked just down the block. "You can get changed in there and then we'll just drive somewhere. You pick the place."
"What about Jon, Spencer, Haley and... Brendon?" He asked.
"Well, Brendon, he's sleeping off his drinks and I talked to Jon before I came out here to find you and I think he'll be here for awhile longer but he promised me he'd sort out a way to get everyone home safely. So don't worry."
They both walked towards the black SUV and Parker unlocked it so they could both get in; Parker in the driver's seat and Ryan riding shotgun.
Ryan began to pull his shirt up over his head and swap it for a looser black t-shirt and the purple hoodie. Then he kicked off the skyscraper high heels and pulled the fishnets off from under his skirt. He’d pulled the dark grey skinny jeans up over his legs until he realized he could hardly pull the skirt off over them. Somehow he managed though and then slipped his bare feet into socks and then the shoes.
"You know how much better that feels?" He sighed, relaxing back into the seat.
"Probably a whole lot better." She laughed, pulling her own shirt up over her head and extracting a red t-shirt from the bag she'd slung over her shoulder.
She swapped her skirt, stockings and shoes for black jeans, socks and converse. She pulled out a navy blue hoodie and slipped that on, chucking her other discarded clothing on the back seat of the SUV and grabbing Ryan's to do the same.
"So, where to Ryan?" She said, drumming her fingers on the top of the steering wheel.
"Just drive."
----
Parker and Ryan had driven for a good 20 minutes in silence, listening to nothing but the tires clicking along the uneven road and the soft hum of the engine, when she stopped the car at the old look out point.
This lookout point had it's history and it's reputation but all of that had since died away and this was just nothing but the old East Point Lookout. It was quiet and it seemed like the perfect place to be contemplative.
"Make out mountain?" He breathed in disbelief.
"Come on Ryan. You know no one calls it that any more and you know better than I do that this is where you usually come to think."
"Brendon told you" What might've been a question came out more as a statement.
"No, I just took a guess." She shot back.
Ryan couldn't help but smile at that. She'd taken a guess and got it right. Maybe this was why Brendon liked her so much.
Brendon seemed to like to figure people out and, well, to Ryan, Parker seemed like a complicated human being which meant more things to figure out about her.
"Parker..." Ryan began, exhaling deeply. "I'm not in love with Brendon. I don't want him like that. It was all a mistake tonight. Just a drunken misunderstanding." He said, trying to convince her of it.
If he told her the truth he'd just be throwing a spanner into their relationship. He didn't want to wreak what ever they had. After all, if he really loved Brendon the kindest thing he could do was to let him be happy. Even if that meant not being with him.
He sighed inwardly and realized that it was one thing to tell himself that and then another to act upon it.
"You're lying."
Her bluntness stunned him into stumbling over his lies.
"N-No, I'm not." He said.
"Ryan I can see you really like him, maybe even love him. I'm not stupid." She said, squirming around in her seat to face him, sitting cross legged as best she could with her back against the window.
He didn't answer. He didn't want to deny it so directly. He couldn't.
"You do love him, don't you?"
"Of course I fucking love him!" Ryan shouted, waving his hands about animatedly. "But I'm not supposed to love my best friend." He finished softly, trying to soothe the outburst.
"But you're allowed to."
"But you're dating him."
"I know." Parker spoke softly. "But you've loved him for longer than I've known him."
"But.."
"Tell me how you feel without saying 'but'." She cut him off.
"I do love him a lot, Parker, bu- sorry. I don't think he even fucking knows it. He thought I was you tonight, otherwise I don't think he would've touched me."
"How do you know that unless you ask him?"
"Wh-- What? Ask him? You're kidding me?" Ryan stammered. How could he ask his best friend if he knew it was him he was feeling up at the party? Or how could he ask him if he was in love with him too? They were hardly questions that would come out during a game of Guitar Hero or over breakfast even. They just weren't questions that Ryan could ask. Not just yet.
"Well it's got to be you Ryan. Not me."
He sighed and leaned back into the seat.
"Parker, forget I ever said a word."
"How can I?"
"Like this." He said, snapping his fingers in the space between them.
"As much as I want to forget tonight ever happened and go back to playing happy little couples with Brendon, I can't."
"But why not?" Ryan asked exasperatedly.
"Because you love him."
"I don't fucking love Brendon Urie!" Ryan shouted. "Happy? I don't love him."
"Fine Ryan. Just fine." She said softly, placing her hands on the steering wheel and turning the key in the ignition.
"Tomorrow I'll ask him and find out for true."
Anyway, on with the story. I feel I went a little around in circles in this chapter, like a conscience tug-of-war but it's leading on to something more progressive, I promise.
Also, anyone who didn't want this to be and is under the impression that I'm writing this as a Ryden story now shouldn't assume because I'm very much leaving all of my options open.
And now I'm rambling, proof of my lack of sleep. At least insomnia gives me time to write, I guess.
As always, please review. I appreciate every single review.
(Wow every sentence in my authors notes started with an 'a' ;P )
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Ryan bolted through the mansion and out into the car-crowded street. When he reached the road he just stood helplessly, unsure where he had ever intended to go.
He pulled off his blonde wig violently and thrust it to the ground in a fit of frustration. No one was around to see his little outburst, only the streetlights watched his breakdown with their winking broken-bulb eyes.
"Ryan!" He heard Parker call out from somewhere behind him.
"What? What do you fucking want?" He screamed. "I already said I was sorry. It was a mistake!"
Parker walked as quickly as she could manage to where he stood on the far side of the road. In her arms she held a bundle of clothes and over her shoulder was a loose black messenger bag.
"Ryan, I'm not here to interrogate you, scream at you or get angry. Fuck, I know better then that." She said, trying to keep a calm and level head about this whole situation despite the raging emotions that were trying to wreak havoc inside her. She wouldn't let them. Not a situation like this would allow her to lose control.
"Oh." Ryan said quietly. He realized that a steady trickle of tears had escaped his eyes and snaked their way down his cheek so he quickly wiped them away, smearing the caked-on make up out of place.
"Look, I brought you some clothes. I didn't think you'd want to be wearing that for the rest of the night." She said softly, nodding towards his hitched up skirt and crumpled shirt.
She held out the bundle of clothing in her arms for him to take and he did.
He ran a hand over the soft fabric of the purple hoodie that sat on top of the bundle of clothes, just underneath a pair of slip on Vans.
"Thanks Parker." He said, managing a grateful yet apologetic smile. He had honestly expected her to scream as many obscenities as she could muster at him not hand him clothes that would allow him to escape the disaster of this night.
"It's okay." She simply said. She said it in such a way that Ryan felt like she was telling him that everything was okay between them, not just replying to his thanks for his new guise.
"Do you want to talk, Ryan?" She offered quietly.
He nodded, still clutching the clothes to his chest. "Yeah."
"Okay, look, the car's just over there." She pointed to a black SUV parked just down the block. "You can get changed in there and then we'll just drive somewhere. You pick the place."
"What about Jon, Spencer, Haley and... Brendon?" He asked.
"Well, Brendon, he's sleeping off his drinks and I talked to Jon before I came out here to find you and I think he'll be here for awhile longer but he promised me he'd sort out a way to get everyone home safely. So don't worry."
They both walked towards the black SUV and Parker unlocked it so they could both get in; Parker in the driver's seat and Ryan riding shotgun.
Ryan began to pull his shirt up over his head and swap it for a looser black t-shirt and the purple hoodie. Then he kicked off the skyscraper high heels and pulled the fishnets off from under his skirt. He’d pulled the dark grey skinny jeans up over his legs until he realized he could hardly pull the skirt off over them. Somehow he managed though and then slipped his bare feet into socks and then the shoes.
"You know how much better that feels?" He sighed, relaxing back into the seat.
"Probably a whole lot better." She laughed, pulling her own shirt up over her head and extracting a red t-shirt from the bag she'd slung over her shoulder.
She swapped her skirt, stockings and shoes for black jeans, socks and converse. She pulled out a navy blue hoodie and slipped that on, chucking her other discarded clothing on the back seat of the SUV and grabbing Ryan's to do the same.
"So, where to Ryan?" She said, drumming her fingers on the top of the steering wheel.
"Just drive."
----
Parker and Ryan had driven for a good 20 minutes in silence, listening to nothing but the tires clicking along the uneven road and the soft hum of the engine, when she stopped the car at the old look out point.
This lookout point had it's history and it's reputation but all of that had since died away and this was just nothing but the old East Point Lookout. It was quiet and it seemed like the perfect place to be contemplative.
"Make out mountain?" He breathed in disbelief.
"Come on Ryan. You know no one calls it that any more and you know better than I do that this is where you usually come to think."
"Brendon told you" What might've been a question came out more as a statement.
"No, I just took a guess." She shot back.
Ryan couldn't help but smile at that. She'd taken a guess and got it right. Maybe this was why Brendon liked her so much.
Brendon seemed to like to figure people out and, well, to Ryan, Parker seemed like a complicated human being which meant more things to figure out about her.
"Parker..." Ryan began, exhaling deeply. "I'm not in love with Brendon. I don't want him like that. It was all a mistake tonight. Just a drunken misunderstanding." He said, trying to convince her of it.
If he told her the truth he'd just be throwing a spanner into their relationship. He didn't want to wreak what ever they had. After all, if he really loved Brendon the kindest thing he could do was to let him be happy. Even if that meant not being with him.
He sighed inwardly and realized that it was one thing to tell himself that and then another to act upon it.
"You're lying."
Her bluntness stunned him into stumbling over his lies.
"N-No, I'm not." He said.
"Ryan I can see you really like him, maybe even love him. I'm not stupid." She said, squirming around in her seat to face him, sitting cross legged as best she could with her back against the window.
He didn't answer. He didn't want to deny it so directly. He couldn't.
"You do love him, don't you?"
"Of course I fucking love him!" Ryan shouted, waving his hands about animatedly. "But I'm not supposed to love my best friend." He finished softly, trying to soothe the outburst.
"But you're allowed to."
"But you're dating him."
"I know." Parker spoke softly. "But you've loved him for longer than I've known him."
"But.."
"Tell me how you feel without saying 'but'." She cut him off.
"I do love him a lot, Parker, bu- sorry. I don't think he even fucking knows it. He thought I was you tonight, otherwise I don't think he would've touched me."
"How do you know that unless you ask him?"
"Wh-- What? Ask him? You're kidding me?" Ryan stammered. How could he ask his best friend if he knew it was him he was feeling up at the party? Or how could he ask him if he was in love with him too? They were hardly questions that would come out during a game of Guitar Hero or over breakfast even. They just weren't questions that Ryan could ask. Not just yet.
"Well it's got to be you Ryan. Not me."
He sighed and leaned back into the seat.
"Parker, forget I ever said a word."
"How can I?"
"Like this." He said, snapping his fingers in the space between them.
"As much as I want to forget tonight ever happened and go back to playing happy little couples with Brendon, I can't."
"But why not?" Ryan asked exasperatedly.
"Because you love him."
"I don't fucking love Brendon Urie!" Ryan shouted. "Happy? I don't love him."
"Fine Ryan. Just fine." She said softly, placing her hands on the steering wheel and turning the key in the ignition.
"Tomorrow I'll ask him and find out for true."
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