I stood there in shock, not knowing what to do or say. The teardrop rolling down my cheek said it all. I was in pain and I wanted him to regret his decision. I didn’t know what to do so I just I just nodded and left the room. I managed to hold back my tears until I had left the hospital but I broke down in front of the door.
I collapsed to my knees and allowed the tears to stream down my face and allowed my throat to choke out sounds I didn’t even know I could make. I could have been there for a matter of hours or minutes. My sobs and moans became louder and people started to stare but nothing could have stopped this feeling from taking over. I was pining for Jared and a loss of dignity wasn’t my priority at that time.
A compassionate nurse came over and asked if I was ok. There was nothing I could do but shake my head, stand up and head back to my car. I’d only just sat down when I heard the ring of my mobile in my coat pocket. Frankie was ringing, probably to ask after Jared.
“Hey Gee” Frankie said. “How’s Jared? Look I know you might not want to but the guys are going out, maybe it’ll do you good. You don’t have to, we get that you might want to stay with Jared” This last sentence drove me to tears again. Frankie was uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say over the phone. But the sound of my tears evoked his sense of friendship.
“Gee, what’s wrong? Are you at the hospital? Is it Jared? Is he ok? Do you want me to come or do you want to come to mine?”
“I’ll come over” Was all I could say before I became inaudible with crying and hung up. The drive to Frankie’s seemed to take forever because all I had was my own thoughts to contend with. Questions kept flying around my mind and I was unable to answer them without hating the answer or I couldn’t answer them at all. I had questions like: why had he decided to do this now? And why didn’t he love me anymore? The worst possible question was is he protecting me from something else?
I had to leave Jared’s hospital room before I ended up saying something I regretted in front of Jared. Leaving like that also meant I didn’t get any of the answers I needed. All I could think about was Jared, how he had broken my heart but also, how I couldn’t leave him altogether without knowing that his cancer was gone.
I arrived at Frankie’s and sat in the car for a while. All I did was sit there wondering if I could go in a replay all the events leading up to me sitting there in that car. After all that had happened I was left emotionally drained and didn’t think I could relive the events of the past hour to anyone, even my best friend Frankie.
After a lot of considering I decided it was best to go in. I needed to talk to someone and the closest person to me besides Jared was Frankie. Frankie had always been there for me. He was always in the background in all the important events in my life, there for me if I needed him. I was constantly trying to return the favour if he needed me, but he was always such a strong person. That’s why he is one of my best friends. When I found out about Jared’s cancer, I couldn’t speak to him about my worries and concerns because he was the one who needed to be comforted and cared for. But Frankie made sure that I didn’t go insane with worry and stress.
I was stood there at his front door and I could hear his footsteps growing nearer and nearer. He opened the door and studied my appearance. I knew he could tell that I was in a bad way and he invited me in. As we walked through to the living room I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror hanging on the wall of his hallway. No wonder he knew I was in a bad way, my face looked ghostly and my eyes were red and blotchy, my clothes were tear-stained.
“Gee, no offence but you look awful, what’s happened?” He asked with concern in his voice. He came and sat down next to me, placing a hand on my knee as his way of showing me he’s worried about my welfare. “You seemed really cut up on the phone, and, by the look of you you’re in a bad way. So, how can I help you?”
“Frankie, it’s all gone wrong, he broke up with me and I have no idea why. I need him Frank and he just dismissed me as if I was nothing” I moan. “Why doesn’t he need me like I need him?”
“Gee, did you ask him why he was finishing it?” He asked with a somewhat disapproving look.
“No, I couldn’t, I just left without another word to him. I practically collapsed in tears after I got out of the hospital. I had to pullover twice while driving to you as well. I don’t think I could handle it if he just didn’t want to be with me anymore and used me while he was in trouble. I didn’t think he could do that to me. There are only two reasons’ I can think of why he would do this” I stopped. Not knowing if I could actually commit myself to either of these awful thoughts.
“What are they?” He asked with apprehension. He knew as well as I do what the two reasons might be. He needed me to say them as a way of checking that he wasn’t wrong.
“The first one is that he actually doesn’t love me and he’s cutting the cord now before I become even more hurt and think he used me” I paled at the thought. “The second is that he’s dying. That he did this as a way of protecting me” I broke down but needed to carry on so that I could hear Frankie’s opinion. “This seems most likely. Oh God I hope it’s not this. What do you think?”
“Gee, I don’t know what to say. Either will break your heart and I can’t do that to you. I love you to much to see you pained anymore than you are now.” Frankie seemed to be unable to look at me. “You should go back to the hospital. Tell him you love him and ask for yourself. Either way you’ll have an answer”
I knew from his response that I had a tough decision ahead of me. I knew that I had to go and see Jared. But I didn’t know if I could hear what he had to say. I left Frankie’s and got in my car, determined to prove to Jared that he had made a mistake and that I was there for him, no matter what.