It’s no mistake if it’s always repeated.
- Taking Back Sunday (Follow the Format)
As we walked up to the bus I could feel the beginnings of a bad hangover.
Frank stepped onto the bus and I followed in behind trying to hide the guilt. As soon as Frank sat down Gerard was standing in front of me. He smiled. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it; Frank wasn’t too bad was he?” The word Liar came to mind.
“No worries love, he was well behaved. I’m glad you sent him, it was a nice dinner.” I pulled him into a hug; I looked over at Frank and he smiled. “I love you” were the words he mouthed, my body immediately tensed up. Here we go…
“Heidi! Heidi, wake up!” I could feel cold hands moving across my face. “Hmm?”
“Heidi Paramore!” I quickly shot up hitting my head on the top bunk. “Shit! What do you want?” I looked over at Mikey annoyed. “Gerard told me to wake you up, we’re in Dallas right now.” Rubbing my head I used Mikey as a crutch to get out of the bunk. My head felt like a ton off bricks were rolling around inside of it. Somewhat stumbling I sat down on the seat holding my hands over my eyes to keep the sun from intruding.
I felt the seat sink as someone sat down next to me.
I froze, it was Bob. I looked over at him, “How did you know?”
“I’ve seen Gerard the same way; sensitive to sunlight and the stumbling really gave it away.” I nodded my head. “I see.” He looked down at the other end of the bus then back at me. “I’m guessing Frank and you had more than dinner.”
“We had some drinks, if that’s what you’re talking about.” I nervously adjusted in my seat; I could feel my palms becoming sweaty. “Just drinks? Last night Frank came on the bus with a big goofy grin spread across his face.”
I panicked. “I’m sorry. Bob, please don’t tell him!”
“Why shouldn’t I Heidi?” I could see the anger in his face.
“I was drunk, it didn’t mean anything. I wasn’t trying to hurt Gerard, I know he’s been through a lot. He has enough to worry about, don’t make him worry about the things I do.” Obviously he could see the sincerity in my face because he agreed to keep it a secret.
How could I do this to him? I swore not to hurt him because I watched him go though so much pain. Now I’m involving the band; I swear if I tear this band apart I’ll leave and never come back.
Before the show…
I sat against the cold gate smoking a cigarette, hoping it would make my stomach stop hurting. I spent most of my day with Gerard, just holding hands and conversation. It reminded me why I wanted to be with him in the first place; just sitting next to him he could make me feel so special. I wish I was in love with him, I’m trying so hard to fall in love with him. I just can’t figure out what love is with him. I blew out a big smoke ring letting my head fall back against the gate.
Suddenly I felt the gate shaking against me, I opened my eyes quickly only to find Frank standing next to me. I looked up at him smiling. “Sit.” he sat down next to me sticking his fingers out for a cigarette. “Have the rest of mine, I’m trying to quit.”
He laughed loudly. “Aren’t we all!”
“Anything you need Frank?” He placed his hand on my leg while he used the other one to put out the cigarette. “I just wanted your company…I had fun with you last night Heidi.”
I looked at him confused. “So did I, but I think we should stay away form each other best to our abilities.” I regretted saying that.
“Well, I don’t have the ability to do that. I know last night I said we have to pretend, but I can’t. I refuse to hide my feeling for you.”
I shook my head; I felt the same way. “No! You have to hide your feelings, I’m hurting him! I shouldn’t have given into you…”
“But you did. I’m glad you did, we can figure this out.”
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I looked at him trying to squeeze out a smile but the tears started to pour out uncontrollably. I wiped the tears away but they came out just as fast as I wiped them. Frank pulled me into a hug, I wiped my wet face on his jacket. “I’m sorry to put you in this position, but I can’t help the way I feel.”
“Neither can I, that’s why I’m crying. There is no way to make these feelings go away…”
He let me go and pulled my face towards his. “Don’t try to make them go way. I love you.” He did the unthinkable, he kissed me right there next to the bus. I thought about someone seeing us but I couldn’t stop myself. I could hear footsteps on the gravel, I quickly pulled myself away from him. “Time for the show!” it was Bob.
Frank helped me off the ground and we walked to the back of the arena. The whole time I could feel Bob staring at me.
I stood at the side of the stage watching Gerard singing his heart out. What he said earlier came to mind. “Sometimes I want to throw the mic down during shows. The pain of the lyrics gets to me sometimes, but then I think of you and it makes me want to scream my heart out on the songs.” When he said that all I could muster up was a smile and a quick kiss. The reality of things started to hit me harder as I watched both Gerard and Frank on the stage. I want both of them but I need only one of them.
How do you tell the person you want that you don’t need them anymore?
That you need their best friend instead.