Categories > Original > Humor > Five Minute Soap Dish
Week 47
“So then what happened?” Nick asked.
“Well, I called a taxi, took her back to my place-“
“Steve!” Nick shook his head in disappointment.
“Hold on! I took her back to my place, and that’s all. She slept on my bed, I slept on the couch,” Steve explained, “When I woke up she was gone. I lounged around the flat for a while then called you. Nothing else happened.”
“Good, because, you know, if you took advantage of a friend of mine-I’d hurt you. Plus, I’d feel guilty for having her alone with you last night. The shift was good and all, but if I had known Kelly was going to be busy-nothing would stop me from being your barrier to her,” Nick said, “Now, is there anything else, or did you come to my flat, wake me up after a late shift, and thoroughly annoy me just to give me a standard ‘I screwed ‘er,’ or rather ‘I coulda screwed ‘er but for some reason didn’t,’ stories?”
“It’s not like that, Nick. I’m confused. I thought I was clear with Gia. She didn’t like me, but was prepared to be friends, but now I’m lost. I mean, did she actually like me, or was that just the alcohol talking?”
“So you came to me-a guy who knows nothing of women or alcohol-for advice. Brilliant, Steve, just brilliant,” Nick said sarcastically, getting up from the couch to the fridge, “Want a juice or anything?”
“But you know Gia. You’ve known Gia for years. Surely you have some sort of insight into how she thinks.”
Nick groaned loudly at that, and mimicked Steve’s voice, “But you know Kelly. You’ve known Kelly for years. Surely you have some sort of insight into how she thinks. I bet you know what she’s thinking right now!”
Steve thought it over, “How did I end up with this guy?”
“Hey!” Nick pointed, “No one implies Kelly’s a slut except for me…. And anyone who has first hand experience. And if I remember correctly, you never got that far.”
Steve ignored him, “Could Gia be telling me how she truly feels, like without all her inhibitions and shit? Her subconscious right? That’s what alcohol does, right?”
“Once again I remind you I don’t drink, but from second hand perspective,” Nick said, bringing over a glass of orange juice, “Once when you were drunk, you declared yourself King of France, and did a totally inaccurate paper on geometry. Now, unless your secret repressed desires are to be French royalty, and write about geometry, badly, your theory has some problems. And if these are your secret desires-dammit man, you’re more boring than I am!”
“So you’re saying she might not have been telling me how she truly feels, but just some random shit that came into her head? Then what should I do? Should I ignore what happened, and just go on as normal, or talk to her about it or-“
“STOP!” Nick shouted, “I can’t stand this shit in the afternoon, let alone at midday! I know when you fell in love with Gia you lost your balls, but did you have to lose your mind too?”
“Come on man, help me out here!”
“One month ago! Only one month! That’s how long ago it was when I knew a guy called Steve who could do everything by himself. He could speak to women, sleep with them, eat, drink, bathe, and in most cases, relieve himself against a tree without asking someone for advice. Why has that guy gone from my life? I loved him…like a brother.”
“I guess…I guess Gia’s changed me. Like a de-evolution or something. Like I can’t live as a single being anymore-I gotta have her!”
“That’s pathetic,” Nick said, groaning, “Why did you come here, Steve?”
“To ask you for your ad-“
“Seriously, why did you come? I can’t tell you what Gia’s thinking, anymore than I can really tell you what you’re thinking.”
“But you did psychology-“
“Years ago, Steve. Now I wash kitchens for a living. So, unless Gia’s a type of detergent, I really can’t help you,” Nick yelled, “You want my permission to go after Gia?”
“Well…okay but-“
“You never needed it before. Before your great epiphany you’d do all kinds of things I didn’t want you to do! Many of which directly harmed me! But if you want my permission to date Gia, you can have it. Free of charge,” Nick explained, “But the one thing I can’t give you is the thing you want. I can’t tell you what the right thing to do is. I can’t tell you whether you should replace your fledging friendship with Gia for a relationship. I can’t tell you if Gia actually fancies you or not. I can’t tell you what decision you should make. You are going to have to decide all that on your own. Either you talk to her about your feelings, or you don’t. Either way it’s your decision and either way you’re going to have to regrow your balls again. I can’t help you. Now piss off.”
Steve nodded, “All right, Nick. I can’t exactly say that was nice, or kind, or even helpful but….but it was what I expected. It gave me something to think about. I’ll get out of your hair now.”
Steve went to leave Nick’s flat, but stopped when Nick called out to him.
“One last thing, Steve,” Nick said, walking towards his friends, “You know the deal about my friends?”
“Yeah, I know, don’t fuck around with them.”
“Good. Now let’s make it more specific. You break Gia’s heart. I break your face. Instantly. Understand?”
Steve nodded.
“Good,” Nick said, patting his friend on the back, “Now, you go and make me proud…for once.”
“So then what happened?” Nick asked.
“Well, I called a taxi, took her back to my place-“
“Steve!” Nick shook his head in disappointment.
“Hold on! I took her back to my place, and that’s all. She slept on my bed, I slept on the couch,” Steve explained, “When I woke up she was gone. I lounged around the flat for a while then called you. Nothing else happened.”
“Good, because, you know, if you took advantage of a friend of mine-I’d hurt you. Plus, I’d feel guilty for having her alone with you last night. The shift was good and all, but if I had known Kelly was going to be busy-nothing would stop me from being your barrier to her,” Nick said, “Now, is there anything else, or did you come to my flat, wake me up after a late shift, and thoroughly annoy me just to give me a standard ‘I screwed ‘er,’ or rather ‘I coulda screwed ‘er but for some reason didn’t,’ stories?”
“It’s not like that, Nick. I’m confused. I thought I was clear with Gia. She didn’t like me, but was prepared to be friends, but now I’m lost. I mean, did she actually like me, or was that just the alcohol talking?”
“So you came to me-a guy who knows nothing of women or alcohol-for advice. Brilliant, Steve, just brilliant,” Nick said sarcastically, getting up from the couch to the fridge, “Want a juice or anything?”
“But you know Gia. You’ve known Gia for years. Surely you have some sort of insight into how she thinks.”
Nick groaned loudly at that, and mimicked Steve’s voice, “But you know Kelly. You’ve known Kelly for years. Surely you have some sort of insight into how she thinks. I bet you know what she’s thinking right now!”
Steve thought it over, “How did I end up with this guy?”
“Hey!” Nick pointed, “No one implies Kelly’s a slut except for me…. And anyone who has first hand experience. And if I remember correctly, you never got that far.”
Steve ignored him, “Could Gia be telling me how she truly feels, like without all her inhibitions and shit? Her subconscious right? That’s what alcohol does, right?”
“Once again I remind you I don’t drink, but from second hand perspective,” Nick said, bringing over a glass of orange juice, “Once when you were drunk, you declared yourself King of France, and did a totally inaccurate paper on geometry. Now, unless your secret repressed desires are to be French royalty, and write about geometry, badly, your theory has some problems. And if these are your secret desires-dammit man, you’re more boring than I am!”
“So you’re saying she might not have been telling me how she truly feels, but just some random shit that came into her head? Then what should I do? Should I ignore what happened, and just go on as normal, or talk to her about it or-“
“STOP!” Nick shouted, “I can’t stand this shit in the afternoon, let alone at midday! I know when you fell in love with Gia you lost your balls, but did you have to lose your mind too?”
“Come on man, help me out here!”
“One month ago! Only one month! That’s how long ago it was when I knew a guy called Steve who could do everything by himself. He could speak to women, sleep with them, eat, drink, bathe, and in most cases, relieve himself against a tree without asking someone for advice. Why has that guy gone from my life? I loved him…like a brother.”
“I guess…I guess Gia’s changed me. Like a de-evolution or something. Like I can’t live as a single being anymore-I gotta have her!”
“That’s pathetic,” Nick said, groaning, “Why did you come here, Steve?”
“To ask you for your ad-“
“Seriously, why did you come? I can’t tell you what Gia’s thinking, anymore than I can really tell you what you’re thinking.”
“But you did psychology-“
“Years ago, Steve. Now I wash kitchens for a living. So, unless Gia’s a type of detergent, I really can’t help you,” Nick yelled, “You want my permission to go after Gia?”
“Well…okay but-“
“You never needed it before. Before your great epiphany you’d do all kinds of things I didn’t want you to do! Many of which directly harmed me! But if you want my permission to date Gia, you can have it. Free of charge,” Nick explained, “But the one thing I can’t give you is the thing you want. I can’t tell you what the right thing to do is. I can’t tell you whether you should replace your fledging friendship with Gia for a relationship. I can’t tell you if Gia actually fancies you or not. I can’t tell you what decision you should make. You are going to have to decide all that on your own. Either you talk to her about your feelings, or you don’t. Either way it’s your decision and either way you’re going to have to regrow your balls again. I can’t help you. Now piss off.”
Steve nodded, “All right, Nick. I can’t exactly say that was nice, or kind, or even helpful but….but it was what I expected. It gave me something to think about. I’ll get out of your hair now.”
Steve went to leave Nick’s flat, but stopped when Nick called out to him.
“One last thing, Steve,” Nick said, walking towards his friends, “You know the deal about my friends?”
“Yeah, I know, don’t fuck around with them.”
“Good. Now let’s make it more specific. You break Gia’s heart. I break your face. Instantly. Understand?”
Steve nodded.
“Good,” Nick said, patting his friend on the back, “Now, you go and make me proud…for once.”
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