How hard it is to turn back time?
"Where do you think you're going?", Frank pulled me back to my seat, "We have a user name to decide on and a title to think of".
"You do that, I'll go socialize with Bob", I jerked my head at Bob.
"How about deep purple for user name?", Mikey chipped in, ignoring the fact I was leaving.
"Lame", Frankie kinda coughed.
I stretched and walked up to Bob who still lay on the sofa reading, "Whatcha reading?".
He glanced up from the magazine then looked back down, he sighed and then finally put the magazine down, looking me straight in the eye, "You've been talking to press, Skyler?
"Huh?", I frowned, "What press?".
"This press", he showed me the cover of the magazine he was reading.
I snatched it from him, they were on the cover and on the side was the caption 'Exclusive! Gerard Way's girlfriend spills the beans on the guys behind the make up!'.
"What the fuck?", I quickly found the page of the interview...I read it twice and then some and nothing clicked, I did say some of what was written but not to any motherfucking press, like they mention me saying it's hard to deal with Gerard's drinking and I did say it but the only person I said it to was Pete...We sat one evening talking about shit and he told me he has a brother with a drinking problem and that it put a strain on his entire childhood so I mentioned Gerard's drinking problem and I told him it started way back and that was exactly what the magazine said.
Something suddenly clicked in my head and my jaw dropped without me noticing. Pete.
A deep sense of hurt sipped through, I considered Pete to be one of my best friends...After the guys and Billy he was next on my best friend list...I couldn't believe he'd stab me in the back like that...And why would he even do it?
Bob was watching me the entire time I was reading the article, everytime I read it, it was like someone was stabbing me...Twice today I felt violated...I felt like I was on display...Like when you shower and someone walks in...How could Pete do this to me?
"Sky, are you OK?", Bob's tone was still kinda cold but the edge was gone. How could he believe I'd do this to them...Intentionally, "You're really pale".
"I'm fine", I muttered, "I told these things Pete, like we talked and I trusted him...".
The hurt faded away and anger gripped me so hard I was starting to shake...I know what I'm gonna do, "I'm gonna kill him", I gripped the magazine like my life were depending on it and stormed off the bus.
I knocked someone off with the door of the bus, it was Ben.
He was standing there with Gerard smoking I guess, they looked kinda like they were doing something they knew I'm not gonna like, but I didn't have time to discuss it, I had a person to murder.
I just made sure Ben was conscious and stormed off, I heard Gerard calling my name and Ben was yelling obscenities at me but I just didn't stop, Ben already thinks I'm crazy so one more proof won't hurt me.
I wasn't really thinking, it felt like I was on autopilot, I just had to find Pete and kill him.
These were the only thoughts crossing my mind, different ways to murder him.
I thought about choking him or making him eat the magazine in my hands and the ink would toxicate him...
By the time I found him, I was outraged.
He was standing with his back on me, talking to some chick, she wore a my chemical romance shirt, he was probably telling her everything I told him about Gerard.
I threw the magazine at his head with all my might, he turned around looking angry but then he saw me and smiled, "What the fuck, Skybaby?"
"You motherfucking son of a fucked up bitch", I hollered.
The girl gasped at my choice of words and kinda looked at me funny. Bitch.
Pete frowned innocently like he have no idea what I'm talking about.
"How could you do this to me?", I snapped.
"Huh?", he cocked his head to the left like I lost my mind.
And maybe I did...Maybe Ben was right, I was insane...Maybe Pete had nothing to do with this...But then how come the article said exactly what I told only him?
I pointed at the magazine at Pete's feet, "This. How could you?"
Pete turned the magazine with his foot and looked up to me, "I'm sorry, if you want we can split the money".
My ears ringed with rage, I clenched my hands into fists, "You got paid for this?!".
"Of course", he smiled, "I would never betray your trust for free".
"You slut! Motherfucker!", no words could express the rage I was feeling...I wasn't that angry in my life, no actually I was but other then my mother nobody never ever made me lose it like that. I was never violent, I know it's hard to believe but I'm pretty laid back and besides my mother it takes most people a lot to get me even upset.
I wanted to cause him pain, to hurt him. To make him sorry.
That's what I really wanted to do, to make him real sorry so I charged at him but before I could reach him I was grabbed by the waist and I was pulled back.
I was prepared to hit the person who stopped me but it was Gerard and all my hunger for blood was gone and replaced with hurt, I buried my face in Gerard's chest and cried.
He sat on the curb and seated me on his lap, asking what happened.
Which was weird cause usually he avoided public display of affection because Bruce didn't approve of them...I wondered if it was his way to rebel against Bruce.
"He was my best friend", I sniffled, coming to my senses slowly while Gerard kissed my tears away, "How could he do it to me?".
"He's not worth your tears, sugar. You can trust no one around here", his lips turned blackish because of my eyeliner and eye shadow and mascara.
"You trust Liz and Ben", I looked around but Pete and the girl were gone, "How come I can't have friends like that?"
"What about me?", now that rage and tears weren't blocking my view I examined Gerard. He was looking strange, he slurred his words and had this kinda drunk voice and had a blank expression accompanied by glazed gleaming eyes, I kinda sniffed him but I didn't smell booze, how could he get wasted without smelling the part? I knew he and Ben were up to no good but I let it slide because I really didn't have the energy to fight with him now, I really needed a friend right now, one that won't quote me to the press, "I'm your friend".
I shook my head, "You're not really".
He smiled, "What do you mean I'm not?"
"I dunno", I shrugged, "You can't be friends with someone you love". Basic logic dude!
"How come?", he squeezed me closer to him.
"So you basically don't love Mikey?", he smiled at me. A weird smile.
"I do...", I bit my lip, "Just not how I love you".
"And how's that?"
I frowned...How do I describe feelings?, "I dunno".
"Could you breathe without me?"
I nodded, he stopped smiling, "But I wouldn't want to".
He grinned again ,"Could you kiss someone else?"
I shook my head.
He carried on, "Would you laugh without me?"
I shook my head again.
He nodded with a smile, "Would you hug someone like you hug me?".
"So I'm special?"
"You need me?"
"More then anything"
"And what if I go away and won't come back?"
"Why do you keep saying it?"
"It can happen", he shrugged, "I'm tired".
"But it won't", I half asked half stated.
He shrugged again, "How much do you love me?"
I stretched my arms wide open, making him laugh, "That's it?"
"That's how much I'm physically capable of", I tried to pull my arms a little more but shoulders are there for a reason.
"Yeah", he nodded, looking beyond me.
"I'm just human, Gee"
"I'll miss you", he traced my features like he wanted to study them by heart.
"You're not going yet", I closed my eyes.
"I'm not going yet", he repeated.
"You're gonna leave me?".
"I don't wanna", he sighed, "Come with me".
"I know", he nodded, "You gotta live"
"Do you love me?"
"You're my best friend, did you know that?"
I shook my head, "You don't love me?".
He chuckled, "Who told you, you can't love your best friend?".
I shrugged, "So do you?"
I usually wasn't really clingy or touchy feely, it was just part of growing up with my mother, in order to keep myself sane, I got detached...I learned that once you grow soft to someone, they'll take advantage of you and hurt you and I got so sick of getting hurt that I turned cold.
But right now I just needed to hear that someone cares about me...Because all the Pete scenario proved to me was that I was right, once you open up to someone they'll stab you in the back and twist the knife around but I got so tired, so worn out, and Gerard's cryptic words about him going away...I just couldn't handle another goodbye, another twist of the knife.
"You're my best friend, sugar, I love you more then anything", Gerard tucked my hair behind my ears.
"More then Liz?", I asked like a kid, and that's how I felt. Little and fragile like a kid in a big supermarket.
Surprisingly, instead of getting all liz is the shit on my ass Gerard smiled a little, "More then Liz".
"And more then Ben?", I quizzed.
"Even more", he nodded.
"How high on the list?", I brushed his hair out of his eyes, I gotta see his eyes when he says it.
"What list?", Gerard frowned slightly but was still smiling.
"Your people I love list", I explained.
"I don't keep lists", he chuckled a little.
"But if you had one", I insisted.
"If I had one", he squinted like he's calculating something, "You'd be in the zero slot"
"Zero?", I gasped.
"Zero", he nodded.
"But that's not good", I pouted.
"How come?", he looked surprised, "Zero comes even before one"
"But usually zero doesn't even count", I whined.
"Not on my list", he kissed me, "You're my angel, sugar, OK? Will you remember that when I'm gone?"
I didn't want to answer, he scared me.
He had this final tone to his voice and I don't know....
I felt alarmed and overwhelmed and I wanted things to go back to what they used to be, before all this band shit exploded in my face, before I was stalked by people who hated me, before the strange phone calls in the middle of the night, before Gerard was everyone's hero when he was just my fucked up guy, before all his traveling, before everything, before Liz, before Ben...I wanted to be unknown, I wanted to fade away and I wanted him to fade away with me...Just the two of us...And maybe the guys for entertainment...I mean let's face it, Ray could play a killer guitar and Mikey didn't want to be there as much as I didn't.
Why can't I run away to a better time? Is it too much to ask to turn back time?
A little voice in my head scolded me 'Gerard wasn't happy before', and is he happy now? I argued.
I looked up to see him staring at me, I stared back, trying to find a clue in his eyes, are you happy Gerard? I asked without words.
He didn't say anything, he blinked a few times and kept on staring at me.
Maybe he didn't hear me, are you happy Gerard?
He beamed at me but that wasn't an answer that was just a thing you do when someone stares at you for far to long.
I gasped, it wasn't Gerard looking back at me...I don't know who it was but it wasn't Gerard...My Gerard doesn't have such a blank stare...Unless he's waisted but I couldn't smell anything on him or taste for that matter...I frowned and kinda leaned deeper into him and stared into his face.
Gerard laughed and pulled back a little, "So did you write me in your story"
I nodded, still examining him.