You're walking away, and I will drown in the fear...
He lowered his paper in surprise, "You're up early. It's not even noon yet".
I smiled and opened the fridge, it was full of my favorite things courtesy of Billy, if it wasn't for my friends I would've starved to death, "Yeah I finally had a good night sleep".
"I know, it's like the 3rd night in a row you didn't have nightmares and you don't cry in your sleep anymore", he turned his chair around to look at me, "Told you it would get better".
I shrugged. I would never get better, not ever. I lost Gerard and there's not one fucking thing to make me feel better. The best I can do is survive, not get better.
"I was thinking", Billy shifted in his seat like he was thinking how to phrase what he wanted to say, I knew he has been wanting to say something for a few days now but I didn't want to ask, I didn't want to deal with whatever it was, "Now since you're getting better...", the getting better shit again, is he really that blind to see I'm merely surviving?, "Maybe it's time to think about getting that divorce..?".
I clenched my jaw, "No".
He sighed, "Come on, Skyler. It's been months. Don't you think it's time to put the final stop to it?".
"No", I put down my coffee. I thought I'd drink some coffee, shower and maybe make a few phone calls to people I've been blowing off for months but all I wanted to do now was crawl under my blanket and disappear again.
"Sky", Billy softened his tone, "You've been doing so good recently, do you honestly wanna be in your 50's still mourning Gerard and what could have been?".
"You don't understand", I growled, "He was my entire life, he was part of it for so long...", I chocked.
"I do understand", Billy stood up and came closer, "But you gotta learn to live without him there".
"No", I yelled sharply, almost hysterically, "No"
"I know this good lawyer", Billy carried on like he didn't hear me.
"No!", I screamed on top of my lungs, like by screaming I could turn back time and undo the last couple of months, "Nnnooo!"
"Just hear me out", he asked.
"No you hear me out", my tone was cold, I was breathing heavy, "I don't want to get a divorce and don't you ever mention that again".
I stormed off and banged the door of my bedroom as hard as I could...How he even dared to bring it up?! Me divorcing Gerard...I would never do that.
A little voice inside my head laughed bitterly, you wanna wait until he does that?
Because he probably found someone to be with him no matter what by now.
Tears started rolling down my cheeks, you're gonna wait until he finds some good loyal girl who will be with him in thick and thin and divorce you.
You wanna know how it feels to get that piece of paper that says that Mr. Gerard Way is filing for divorce, and why? Because he doesn't want to be married to a bitch that dumped him in his lowest, who ran away like a coward, who told him she loved him only to leave him when he most needed her!
I cried myself to sleep but nothing new there.
I dreamt about Gerard's wedding.
It was really dark, it looked like a dark gazebo and only a little yellow light fell on his mother and my mother, I was dressed in black. Gerard was late, but when he arrived with a lemon pudding (that was out desert) he was wearing black too.
He kissed me and his mom and mine, but she kinda turned away.
Then another girl came in and he kissed her, she was wearing white and had this kinda pure vibe about her and they walked off, leaving me with the pudding in my dark gazebo.
I cried but not hysterically, just a few tears.
He never looked back, he took her hand and our mothers walked them somewhere.
I woke up with my face and pillow wet but I was determined to make it easier for Gerard. He deserved some happiness in his life, he has to find his pure girl and merry her and let her make him happy.
I gotta let him go and leave his life cause let's face it, I'm too fucked up to make him happy. He needs someone normal who can't help him lead a normal life, without issues, without struggles, without problems, without fights.
Someone who'll make his life complete and happy. Someone who'll open up to him and let him in and share shit with him.
I'm a complete fuck up, my mother was right, she was completely right, I should've listen to her before putting my sick head in someone's bed.
It's completely my fault Gerard turned to drugs, he did it because I couldn't give him the comfort and security he needed.
Everything I touch turns into something disturbed and sick and dirty. I don't deserve happiness or joy and I will never be happy or have the life I always dreamed of, but I can't pull Gerard down with me.
Once I set him free, he'll be OK again and I'll drown in my fear and hatred.
I'm contagious, I can't be around normal people, all I do is drag them down with me into a pit of misery and fear and hate.
I stumbled out of bed and went to the living room.
Night fell and the apartment was dark except for the blue glow of the TV.
I watched Billy for a moment, he was smoking in front of the TV which was muted, his expression was troubled and I guess he wasn't really watching TV because some cartoons flashed on the screen and you wouldn't catch Billy's cold body watching cartoons.
I starlet him, appearing out of nowhere in the dark, kinda like a ghost, "Sky".
"So who is this lawyer", I muttered, determined to let Gerard be happy and the only way he's gonna be happy is without me.
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