2/2 of updates
I stared down at my half eaten food on my plate. I could feel Gerard’s eyes on me.
“If you don’t want anymore Rachel, don’t play with it.” Mum said sternly.
I sighed and looked up, placing my knife and fork and in my plate neatly.
Mum then stood up and started to clear the table. I stood up and helped clear the table, taking any alternative to get away from the tension that hung around Gerard and I.
I dried the dishes, as Mum washed them, and Donna hovered around us, insisting she were to help since we were so polite to invite them.
I kept my head down and focused on the job at hand the whole time. Aware that Gerard’s Dad was starting to pick up on the tension that was an invisible cloud that floated around us, getting thicker with every passing second.
Dinner hadn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. I stayed mostly silent and listened to the conversation going on between the adults and chitchat between Mikey and my brother. It could’ve been worse.
Besides the few times Gerard and I were brought up. And the constant staring contest that was going on between Gerard and I. And the awkwardness. The wanting to talk to him, but stopping myself before I actually did it.
I gently placed the last clean plate in the cupboard where it belonged and announced I was going outside for a bit for some fresh air.
I ignored the angry expression my Mum gave me, the knowing expression Mikey shot my way, and the expression Gerard held on his face as he more than noticeably fought with himself on weather to follow me out there.
I took a deep breath of cold air as I walked outside and shut the door behind me.
I bent down and sat on the edge of the verandah, my white socked feet dangling off the side.
I stared ahead blankly at the rapidly darkening sky, a few stars just starting to appear as the sun shone its last light for the day.
I heard a door open behind me, but I didn’t take any notice. That I didn’t really care.
“You planning on staying out here by yourself the whole night?” Mikey asked quietly as he sat beside me, his long skinny legs dangling off the edge if the verandah just like mine.
“You know how awkward it is Mikey? Your parents know. My Mum knows, and so does Matt. Gerard tenses up every time I’m near him or you simply mention my name. We avoid each other’s glances, but when the other isn’t looking, we can’t help but stare. It’s just… Hard.” I explained quickly.
“Why don’t you’s two just get back together? It’s what you both want; everyone can see that. It’s what everyone wants.” Mikey suggested reluctantly.
“I want to, but I just can’t.” I said slowly.
“Why?” Mikey asked, confused.
“I don’t know.” I replied quietly.
“Why? What the fuck is stopping you? You’s two are lost without each other. Gerard is just, not the same, and you’re quieter. I haven’t seen you jump off something you’re not meant to be jumping off in ages. It’s unnatural.” Mikey said, really getting into the conversation.
I shrugged, looking down. Not having anything to say.
“Okay, yeah. What he did wasn’t the most smartest, respectable thing he’s done. But he’s learnt. The hard way.” Mikey sighed.
“He, so desperately wants to make everything better, make it the way it used to be before he fucked up. For you’s two to be together again, but he can’t. He’s stuck in the same situation you’re in. The ‘I want to but I can’t.’ If you’s two don’t do something soon, you’re going to let a good thing go to waste.” Mikey said, getting up and walking back inside, leaving me by myself, sitting alone of the edge of the verandah, to dwell on my thoughts.
I sighed and leant back until I felt my back collide softly with the hard wood of the verandah.
Maybe Mikey is right? Maybe I’m just blowing things out of proportion. Okay, he didn’t say that, but I am. Maybe I’m making a too big of a deal out of this.
Maybe I need to do something? Do something before it’s too late.
I watched her secretly as she constantly stabbed the piece of lasagna she had left over.
I’d been doing this the whole night. Shooting my head down as soon as she looked at me, but letting my eyes wonder to her again when she wasn’t looking.
And I could swear she was doing the same thing.
Her Mum told her off and she sighed and put down her knife and fork.
Monica then got up and started clearing the table. Rachel shot up quickly and joined in her assistance. And I couldn’t help but feel some hurt, as I knew that it was an attempt to get away from me.
I didn’t really want to come here tonight. I had fought with Mum and Dad, pleading with them to not let me go. I even went all the way with faking sick, but Mum being a mother and having that motherly instinct, she knew I was faking, which ended in another argument, and for Mikey and my Dad to drag me to the car.
I didn’t want to come and see her room, in it’s usual messy state, with the walls covered with so many posters I wasn’t even sure what the actual colour of her walls were anymore.
I didn’t want to see her house, remembering all the memories we’d had in every different room, friends or something more.
My Dad continued to look from me, back to Rachel. Catching on about the tension between us.
I decided to preoccupy myself and join in the conversation Mikey and Matt were having. They were talking about video games, nothing too major, but at least I could actually get involved.
I was actually going all right with taking my mind of her before her sweet voice announced that she was stepping outside for a bit.
I fought with myself to take the chance that was open freely to me.
But Mikey bet me to it, standing up and walking the same path Rachel had just took to escape.
I continued to talk to Matt, but also taking quick glances at the door to see if anyone was going through it.
A few minutes passed and I felt Mikey’s hand on my shoulder. He was alone.
Which meant that Rachel was still outside. Alone.
“You need to talk to her man. There isn’t a better time.” Mikey muttered in my ear so no one else could hear.
I looked at him and followed him with my eyes as he sat down on the other side of Matt, across from me.
His eyes caught mine and he nodded slightly, giving me reassurance and a push.
I thought for a minute.
Did I really want to go out there? Yeah, I did, I was just too scared to actually go and do it.
I sighed and pushed myself up; it was now or never.
I forced my suddenly heavy legs to move towards the door, I looked behind me and saw Mikey smiling at me. He’s going to hound me later to know what happened; I can see it.
I started to get butterflies in my stomach as I took a few deep, panicked breaths and reached for the door handle, turning it and feeling the cool breeze on my skin as I stepped outside…