Jack was on the stage, tuning his guitar. Frank should have been up there by now, he probably never would now. Though, he was almost ready, he knew he would have to tell the rest of the band about his problem sooner or later, and as soon as he did he knew they would want rid of him as soon as they could.
He had caught up with Brock earlier, got what he needed. It was his lifeline, it calmed him and made everything seem better.
Originally he had liked the way that he controlled that factor of his life, that it was up to him whether or not he took drugs, it was at the point where he felt too worthless to do anything else. Now, though, it was his oxygen, his way of life, he didn’t feel complete without it, he was too far in to be rescued, even though Gerard was trying, he seemed to just appear next to Frank whenever his mind wandered to drugs. He had to lock himself in the bus bathroom to get away from Gerard whilst he sniffed more of his deathly addiction. More than once he had been tempted to tell Gerard to leave him alone, but he didn’t want to hurt his feelings any more than he already had. And after all, he was keeping his secret, and he was taking the break up really well, maybe Frank could just cope with Gerard stalking him around for a while. It wasn’t as if they had to stop being friends aswell…
Right on cue, Gerard mystically emerged at Frank’s side.
“Hey, Frank! That’ll be you there soon!” He said, pointing to Jack, who had proceeded to warm up with some of Ray’s solos… Show-Off..
“Yeah.” Frank replied, unenthusiastically. That’s unlikely. he thought to himself.
In no more than 10 minutes the stage was set for the show, and Gerard and the rest of the band (And Jack, To Frank he didn’t really count as a member) were on stage and kicking off their performance with Helena.
To the screaming fans Gerard probably sounded the same as he did every night, amazing. Frank, though, could tell a slight difference. Gerard’s voice lacked some of the spark it usually owned. He lacked the confidence he usually had when he commanded the crowd to clap their hands or jump up and down. Frank knew he was the cause of this, but he would rather that Gerard’s voice was affected by emotion rather than intoxication. Frank lit up a cigarette and looked over at Brock on the other side of the stage, giving him a curt nod before continuing to watch the show.
The way Gerard held his microphone, the faces he made and the stances he took all made Gerard… Gerard.
Though Frankie had known it all along, he still loved Gerard. Just as much as he had yesterday, and the day before, and that day at the hospital, and that day in 10th Grade when he had been pushed in that cold locker for hours, to be unlocked by Gerard – his knight in shining armor. To that day Gerard had still always been there to protect him through thick and thin. And though Frank had been there to return the favor, he would always be grateful for Gerard’s support.
Frank didn’t care that the tattoo was there forever, because in his own heart he knew that Gerard was the only person that his heart belonged to in the first place, and he knew that was where it was going to remain forever.
Sometimes we have to destroy the things we love before something much worse happens. Their relationship as lovers would have to end before the drugs tore both of their lives apart in a much more brutal fashion. He would never forgive himself if that happened, at least now he would be assured that Gerard still had his sobriety, even if it would mean being apart from him.
Just at that moment Ray kicked in the intro to a song, but the particular song held such relevance to the past 24 hours.
Yea, that’s right-
“Guys, this next song is I don’t love you, remember to enjoy every moment you experience of love, before it’s too late…” Gerard trailed off from his announcement and glanced over to where Frank was sat, fidgety and uncomfortable.
As the song progressed, Frank knew that Gerard was putting his all into each word, note and gesture. During the solo Gerard didn’t take his eyes off Frank, he still loved him and always would, but if Frank didn’t feel the same way…
/When you go,
Would you have the guts to say –
I don’t love you,
Like I loved you yesterday?”/
At that point Gerard fell to the floor on his knees and sobbed. It hurt him to think that he couldn’t lay in Frank’s arms again and look up at the night sky through the large window. And that Frankie was being so careless with his precious life.
Gerard could remember his mother telling him so long ago – “Everyone goes through this, Gerard, It’s what makes us human, but you’ve got to move on and forget, love. It’s better off like that….”
Gerard knew he could never forget what he once had with Frankie.
If I have to go through that much pain, I don’t want to be human. Gerard thought to himself as he clambered to his feet after the final note, receiving screams of adoration from the crowd, just like the night he had displayed his pure love for Frankie live on stage.
He was thankful that was the final song, he couldn’t have managed another song that night. Gerard completed the routine night, signing autographs for screaming pre-pubescent girls, playing video games with the guys, waiting for Frank to re emerge from some random place, higher than a kite. Only this night, everything was just an act, he wasn’t the real Gerard.
The real Gerard was buried within layers of skin deep within him, awaiting the point when he was alone to cry himself to sleep, washing away his pain with tears, but the pain he felt at that moment couldn’t be washed away, it was a stain.
It was there forever, just like his love for Frank.