Hey Bev. Nice story. May I make a few suggestions though? well, when you wanted to say for example "I want to go home" you're saying "I want 2 go home". That's okay if you're like...IMing someone but in a story its a little unprofessional. Also, when you're writing numbers (like 2 bedrooms) you should always write out the actual number (two bedrooms) if the number is below twenty. I'm quoting my IRLA teacher, but I agree with her. These little things can make a huge difference. Sorry for the excruciatingly long review. Great idea, I'm gonna read the other chapters now.
XOXOXOXO
Author's response
thanx for the advice!