Hi love!
I noticed that you'd reviewed my story, and I wanted to thank you for that! In fact, you reminded me to update my profile!
I browsed through your fics a little bit. I wanted to give you some constructive crit, because you obviously have some talent and passion for writing, and some good themes to develop.
If this is your first short story-- congrats! It's a good "point of no return" tale. And you use dialogue to move the story along-- I love that!
I'd love to see you make his dawning realisation deeper, more poignant.
You start with this; And I know he gets back together with her only because I manage to convince him every time. Why do I convince him? I don’t know. and end with, (more or less)
And I don’t understand why I should be obsessed with somebody who will never care for me. Get out.”
And that is fantastic-- it's a great bit of growth-- but we don't see the steps in between. That first position is repeated over and over-- he keeps on musing on how helpless he is with her. Suddenly-- he isn't, and he calmly tells her so. What made him snap? What was the one thing she said, the one move she did wrong, the one thought that changed everything for him? I'd love to see that be the climax of this story. Because that's what the story is about, really, Ryan's growth as a person. Him telling her to leave is the coda, the illustration of his newfound strength. What's important really, is what's gone on in his head...
Does that make sense? Or am I getting bossy? weak grin
One very important technical quibble; Pick out a tense and stick to it!
I can see that you are using past tense for actions, present for Ryan's thoughts-- it's not necessary, really. As a reader, the switchover is annoying and distracting. As a writer, I can tell you that I know this by virtue of the hundreds of times I insisted that it DOES work, LOL! AS I've gotten better at my craft, I've found a screaming need to edit all of those switchover stories and make them either past or present. And my ratings and scores went up immediately...
Author's response
First of all, let me say, this is EXACTLY the kind of review I've always wanted, and I've got to shower you with thank you's and kisses for that.
Yeah, this is the first standalone/one-shot/whatever-you-call it I've written. I've got to say it was really hard, I'm a person who usually needs a good fifteen chapter story.
Thanks for the advice. I also thought when I was re-reading this that it was a little strange that he suddenly went from helpless to "Get out you bitch!". I want to fix that...I'll be trying. I think I'll do a rewrite of those parts you pointed out and maybe even some other parts that I find rusty.
And as for the past/present tense, I've got to say I get that a lot. From my teacher in school. That's something I'm aware of, yeah...I just can't seem to let go of the past.
And I am totally a fan of your writing, I just wanted to say. As a sidenote. lol. Thanks for all the help. Best review I've gotten so far for any story that I wrote. I bet I thanked you enough to piss you off, if so, I'm sorry. I just really mean it from the bottom of my heart.