good discription and vocab. You did have coma issues though. Ex: "They where all including her quite competitive" should be, "They were all, including her, quite competitive." You're also having issues with your dialogue format. Ex: "Hi." She said" should be "Hi," she said." good writing :)
Author's response
Ok.
I would ask you to beta for me, but the thing is I think that would kinda defet the purpose of reivews. So how bout when I finish writing this I send you the whole thing and you can do your super cool fruit addict editing and take as long as you need? (by now im pretty sure you know that I am a very very impatient when it comes to beta readers.)
Lots of luv
Sarah Paige