Review for Twilight Girls

Twilight Girls

(#) Disenchanted 2008-01-03

Cool, cool. Pretty OK.

I have to nitpick and make a suggestion, though. You're just saying things too plainly. It kind of bores the reader before anything actually happens. I know this is just the intro chapter, but I think you could definately do something more with it.

Like...add more similes/metaphors in your writing, even simple ones can make the sory so much better. Work on the imagery some more. Instead of saying, "Leigh was drawing" you could get more creative and go, "Leigh sat, leaning over a sketch pad with her pencil scratching against the paper furiously." Or something like that.

I think you should try those things for the next chapter, but maybe that's just me. To me, the chapter's like a song that goes, "There was a boy. There was a girl. They went out. They broke up. The girl cried." Don't make your story like that, it's just...blehhh.

Author's response

hey...thanks i needed that!

I know this chapter was bad. I wanted to just state some things and then i back myself into a corner. I needed to get myself out. It will get much better.