This was a decent story, but I do have some words of advice that you can take or leave, its entirely up to you but it will hopefully help you if you decide to take it.
Reading this story was hard on the eyes because everything was basically together--- when a new person speaks, try starting a new paragraph, that way its not all clumped together. It doesn't seem like it should make a difference, but it does for some reason, I don't know why I've just noticed it.
Other than that, all I can say is keep writing and practicing--- practice doesn't really make perfect but it does help people get better and because nobody's perfect, there's always room for improvement regardless of how well one person does.
Overall, not a bad story, keep working on it.
Author's response
Really?