if that was sleepover and everybody was there...i can imagine it. xD
it was good. there were some flaws, i just can't pinpoint it..some of your words are redundant..try using words with the similar meaning.
if that was your first lemon, i advise you to try reading yaoi manga, it will help you in describing their movements when they do "it", ok? ^_^
all in all, it was good.
Thanks very muchly ^o^
Yeah it was my first lemon but I've written and read more since then and I re-read this and I keep meaning to make alterations to it. It's my first fanfic actually ^^
I'm much more descriptive now but thank you for the PROs and CONstructive critasim ^^