FicWad

Okay I just finished reading all the chapters in one go. First, I want to say it has a lot of potential, and not to take this review as a flame because it isn’t though it may sound negative.

Slow down, things happen so fast with very little explanation, and very little character interaction. Introducing new forces when you haven fleshed out the characters you introduced in the last paragraph is disappointing to read. Its like going down a grocery list. Harry did this then this then this, and finally this, and the clones were loyal. Isn’t very exciting.

If you need more help with writing battle scenes look to actual history, and alter actual events that happened with your characters and slightly different happenings, and then detail the action.

Then there is this little problem though reading it was hilarious for me. Your little sound affect words were, well like I said hilarious. Not very descriptive though. When your writing a scene where blaster bolts are flying every which way, and the there is smoke and debris and chaos, try describing it instead. Think of all the things you would see in a combat zone. Wounded bodies, blood, everywhere, flames, wreckage, smoke filling the air ionization making armor spark, and static. Screaming, and confusion troops running and shooting dieing all around. Equipment being blown to hell. All of that can be written in great detail and really make the story come alive. “Shlam shlam” or whatever it was you wrote while semi amusing doesn’t do nearly good enough a job of describing what is going on. Using a word for a sound affect and then describing it works but not just the sound affect itself.

Also, get a beta reader, preferably one with at least a collage level English. It’s always nice to be able to hand off a chapter and have another look over it, and you tend to make errors with spelling and double posting words, or using words with similar sound but different spelling/meaning. Completely understandlable all authors have that problem to one degree or another. Which is why authors have editors.

As to the female force, for god sake NO, NO, NO! Leave the force as a mystic energy field, not an identity. Plus it makes me think you have been reading a story titled For Love of The Queen, which has such a force. It is annoying. Not to mention you get the whole Mary Sue aspect if the “Force” reveals “herself” to Harry and not the Jedi or Sith. What is so great about Harry? why is he able to see the force? Nope it’s to Mary Sue special.

Your interpretation of the Jedi in your writing was also a little lacking, you seemed to channel, the spirit of a drunk slacker instead of Jedi Zen Master, when writing them. Also your teaching Harry force techniques which is all well and good but all the techniques you are talking about are video game references, the proper name for them in writing is just telekinesis. What a Jedi or Sith can or cannot do with telekinesis us up to his abilities whether its lifting an X-Wing like Yoda or sending battle droids careening in every direction, levitating oneself, or forming a invisible barrier to block attacks.

I am glad to see you had Harry having trouble with battle meditation; he seemed to be doing a little to well for so little training. Which brings me back to the point of Jedi philosophy; you seem to be using Video games for a reference point for Jedi Lore. I’d like to recommend that you pick up three books, The Essential Guide to The Force, Power of the Jedi Source Book, and The Dark Side Source Book. You should be able to get them at your local library. It should help with the Jedi training scenes, if you take the time.

As far as the names of the clone troopers go, it would be nice to have them having a name to go with the number adds familiarity for the reader and will help us keep the characters straight in our heads.

As for how to get the names that’s easy. Look them up on the internet. Type in Baby Names in a google search and pick any of the sites most offer names from multiple cultures even mythology.

The continual asking for your readers to help you write the story is a little, …off. Especially when asking for reference material. You should already have a good idea of who is who and what’s what. You are the author after all.

Anyway probably a harsh review but, I tried to help and show things that could be improved, and like I said pay more attention to character interaction. Good luck with your story.