Pay more attention to the story you are writing. The Davis manor is under the "Fidelius charm" but the wards can't keep Harry out? If so, how do you justify it? What is the explanation for why the Fidelius was broken?
The Davis couple are a handsome man and beautiful woman? Not "wizard" and "witch"? How are they described? If their looks are unimportant then why qualify them?
[quote]:
Suddenly a soft whimper came from the corner, and Harry looked up to see his classmate, Tracey Davis. "She had long straight black hair that went down to her waist in soft, wavy curls." Her eyes were a dark violet, and she had a gorgeous figure. Had Harry not been so in love with Fleur, he may have been smitten. As it was, he simply looked upon her in pity.
Don't you see something wrong with this? How can 'long "straight" black hair' fall down to her waist in 'soft "wavy curls"'?
"(Awwww....I love it when guys are so in love with the girl they are with, they don't even look at other girls.)"
What is this line doing in the story? In what way is this related to the tale? Even if it is necessary, should this not be an A/N at the end?
Still the grammar is good so that's one good thing you can take away from this chapter.