**The story would be good if you:
Used a dictionary;
Used spell check;
/Proof read/;
Slowed it down a little you making things happen to quickly;
Use diverse vocabulary;
Don't use the same words over and over. It gets boring and people will lose interest quickly. A wonderful site to get synonyms from is dictionary.com just go to the thesaurus.
Also give the readers more details about the setting and characters, it helps the reader understand you better and allows them to paint a more vivid picture of what going on.
Anyway I wish you well with more of your writing in the future, just try using some of those tips and it should help you tremendously.
Author's response
Hey
yeh i do agree about this,
i feel that i could of done better with this story and myself am not extremely happy about it, but i've not been able to proof read, check spelling etc.. to well because i haven't had alot of time on the computer recently and i've been swamped with exams, but the next one should be better, plus i'm working on a new story that is alot more descriptive as i've had more time...
so thank you for the review it has really helped and i'll use it in my new story =]
xkellyx