Look, I like the idea of the story, but I have a couple of things to tell you.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you need to work on your spelling, grammar and punctuation. It's all the simple things you are forgetting, like putting apostrophes in the wrong places (you typed wer'nt, when it's actually weren't); not capitalizing names, forgetting commas to put breaks in sentences, and not turning the bold off, so the whole story seems like a giant authors note.
Now, I am sorry if I have upset you, but you need to work on these things. If you would like any help at all, please, e-mail me at ems_mcd@yahoo.com.au
or IM me on FrankGerardMCR on AIM
You have a budding storyline and potential to create a fantastic story, but you just need to look over your errors a little closer.
xox Emmi