This is good and very original, but you need a beta. Just read over what you write, you had like, three spelling mistakes in the first two paragraphs.
i wrote it over a year ago i think so i know there are mistakes i'm just too lazy to fix them. i like to think that with the newer stuff i'm working on the mistakes have stopped and the further into the story you get the mistakes also become more scarce.
how ever if your recommendation for a beta also came with a offer to be on i would gladly accept just pm me or something if u can do that on here.