FicWad

As a writer, I am sure you are eager for feedback. Before you read any further, I must warn you that what you are about to read may upset you. Before I begin let me just say that all of this is gathered from solely the first chapter of your story. You have one thing going for you that most of the better online writers do not. You're capable of writing twenty-thousand words without losing interest. In this aspect you are incredibly fortunate. Sloth does not plague you. Now, onto the bad news. Or good news if you're capable of learning from what I have to say. The thing I noticed the most is that you lack a higher understanding of grammar. I can't help you with that but there are plenty of resources in the world that can. I suggest you focus on sentence structure and comma usage. It is tedious at first but it eventually becomes second-nature. You also have a few common spelling mistakes and that's nothing to be ashamed of. I suggest you find yourself a chart of commonly misspelled words. In this chapter you typed vein but you meant vain. You shouldn't worry about it now as most people don't mind much but it is something you should work on eventually. You need to flesh it out more. Bring the writing to life. When you read it you understand everything that's going on because it came from your head. Readers do not have that luxury. Right now you're just telling the events that happened and that's what most would call an outline. You've got the bones but no flesh to move them with. As a result your story comes off as boring even though it may be very interesting. Also pertaining to this in part is the fact that your writing is plain. Play around with wording and you'd be amazed at how much of a difference it makes. Make sure you are showing and not telling. For example say she growled. You could just outright say that or you could imply it by describing her facial expression and her voice. Your characters' bodies are tools you can use to make your writing more engaging. When improving your writing it's important to use and practice every tool available to you at any given time. You may not use them all in the end but if you don't try them how can you know that it won't be the key ingredient in your own personal style? There's also an itty-bitty inconsistency in there. What does talking with your mouth full sound like? Not like dialogue that's for sure. Now there are only to more things on my list. The first is that conflict introduction. It's so cliche it feels like someone just put a fork trough my gut(simile you should use some). Come on you're more creative than that right? If you absolutely have to use it then I suggest you make the writing so good people won't think about it. That was the most anti-climatic action I have ever seen. I was expecting roughing up and maybe some dirt displaced. Ah, the bitter taste of disappointment. I'm not trying to be mean(It may come off that way but I'm not really). You're off to a good start but you and your writing have a long way to go before I can give you more enriching critique.I really want to say more that could be of real use but at the moment anything else I could say will be useless the aforementioned issues are addressed. I do have one last piece of advice. Read. Pay attention to the author's presentation of the story instead of just the story itself. You'll find you'll learn a lot more about writing from reading than from actually writing. While you're reading try to think about what parts of the presentation keep you reading. Plot isn't everything. Thank you for reading this. -Pinky