There are definitely some spelling and grammatical errors that make it difficult to read. The items you had in parenthesis should either be separated by commas or put in their own sentences. The story could use some streamlining as well. The gist of the excerpt was fine. Keep writing, learn more about sentence and paragraph structure, and take some creative writing courses. Good attempt.
Author's response
Wow... I just re-read this for the first time in several years. I wrote this almost five years ago and I cannot believe how terrible this is. Thanks for the advice... but I can assure you that these things have already been fixed. You should check out my more recent stories on fanfiction.net, they're newer and honestly better. http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1802223/BlackMasquerade
There's the link if you want to check it out, I recommend "Don't Let Go" and "Misfire", which are two of my best. To be honest, everything on that channel is pretty good save "Partners" and "Vendetta", they're not fantastic.
I would love to hear more of your criticisms, it's not too often that an honest reviewer comes along. Thank you very much for your comments!