I agree with Ithilwen on this one.
While it's cool idea and stuff, it needs a ton of work.
Split it into paragraphs, and do some more editting, and this story could be really good.
And, the "goth-looking dress" is a minor detail, but it shows that the author is too lazy to represent the correct time period. Alternative universe or not, the mixing of time periods is, if not pulled off properly, amateurish and we wouldn't want that, would we?
So, some extra work would be really good. But, this shows potential.
Good luck!