Ok I'm going to be harsh. I started reading this and couldn't even make it to the end of the second chapter. You really need to work on your writing. Seriously. The story does not develop naturally. It's all forced and unauthentic. I'm not gunna be an even bigger bitch and rate this negatively, but get some major help on your next story honey.
Author's response
its cool, im not bothered, i cant please everyone :) oh wait...its just you whos said something bad about this story, and the fact you didnt read past the second chapter really says alot about how you judge peoples writing. and you cant start telling me what to do with MY writing when you're talented enough to make your own writing. oops, sorry i guess i was a bit harsh there aswell :)
can start*
oh and ps. you dont need to rate this negatively for me to see you're a bitch :)