Okay, here we go. This should be fun.
Before I critique you, please know that I mean nothing malicious by my comments. I am merely trying to help you become a better writer.
First of all, this is roughly 500 words long, and even though it's a first chapter, it's really very short and unsatisfying.
Second, this is one of the worst 500 word long hyper paragraph I've ever read, mostly because there are three POV changes. You don't need that many. If you're having trouble with POV changes, or if there are about fifty in your story, at least change the POV to third person.
Your spelling is atrocious. You can't seem to spell simple words, such as 'strangley' (strangely), 'aty' (at) and 'absoulutley' (absolutely). Even if you don't possess the intelligence to spell correctly, (and I am sorry if you have dyslexia) most -- if not all -- computers now have spell check. I know, I was shocked too.
If possible, your grammar is even worse than your spelling. You have capital letters placed randomly in the middle of sentences and after commas ("same reasons Move there, Make friends, They use me, I get beaten up."). You do realise you only need to use capital letters after full stops, exclamation marks, and question marks, don't you?
Your story format is a giant, strange paragraph, which is confusing and very annoying to read. You also have characters start talking without starting a new paragraph.
Now on to the actual story.
As you have stated, this is an incredibly cliché storyline, which isn't a crime, but it doesn't encourage people to read your story. Now that I've read it and experienced the inherent badness that it is, I don't know why I read it.
Your characterisation is non-existent as your characters seem to have no personality at all. The main character, who I'm assuming is Frank, is written like he is a shell devoid of emotion, as are the rest of the characters. Gerard is written like he has Tourette’s when he yells at his class to "shut the fuck up".
Overall, one of the worst mini chapters I've ever read, I will not be reading the rest of this cess pool of terrible writing if you paid me, and you seriously need to practise writing before posting on the Internet, as it is full of people like me who won't bullshit you by saying this is a good story. Either that or the rest of your reviewers' standards have dropped so low, your writing is acceptable in their eyes.
Please don't be offended, I only mean to help. Flaming me will not undo this comment.
Author's response
Hi(:
Yes, I know it's bad.
Yes, I know I have spelling problems.
Yes, I know it's clichè.
I'm sorry that it's short, i have to write this on my iPod because my parents forbid me to write this sort of stuff.
Yes, I do have dyslexia. Oh, and this is all spelt right because my parents are currently out so I can use my computer. About the capital letters, it's because when I type it sometimes I accidently put them and it just all gets jumbled up in my head. Um, the only reason I change POV so much is because that's what I was told to do. One of my friends writes this sort of stuff but she doesn't put it on here and she told me that's what i should do.
I'm sorry.