This surprised me by being decent. But there are a few things you need to brush up on.
Some "I"s need capitalising. There are some which are lowercase and that pisses me off no end. Also there are some words in the genetive case which don't have an apostrophe, for example, "brothers" should be "brother's" and "Gees" should be "Gee's" etc. There are a few words which need a space before them as well.
The writing, especially description is actually pretty good. Well done. I'm interested to see where this plotline goes, could be another cliché but I'll read on before I pass judgement. Just look over the mistakes I pointed out but overall, really good work.
Author's response
Thank you for pointing all of my mistakes out for me.
Grammar isn`t really my strong point and I wrote everything on here when I was either very tired, or at the early hours of the morning. (I suffer from Insomnia or something simmilar.)
I am happy that it suprised you, personally I think that this story, along with everything else I write, is rather rubbish.
Thanks again.
Xoxo Dakota